I Want a Station Wagon

10

2012-02-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling much better today. Like I can do this again and again if I have to. Hopefully I won't have to.

So yesterday they got 14 eggs. My Doc said 9 or 10 looked mature enough to maybe fertilize.

So we waited for the fertilization report today. I started to talk myself down. If 5 fertilized it's okay. There's still a chance. You only need one embryo to have a chance, right?

Then we got the call. Of those 9 or 10 that could have fertailized.... ALL TEN DID!!!

100% fertilization rate?! Are you kidding me! The average is something like 75%. I feel extremely lucky right now. But what's crazy is I don't feel lucky like I'm gonna get pregnant in the next few weeks. I feel lucky like I my spirits are high again so I can do this. I can do this as many times as I need to.

Next step: on Valentine's day we find out how those 10 are doing. Fingers crossed.

Ouch

2012-02-11T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie. I'm sore. More sore than after any other ER. After my other two I was a little sore but by the end of the day it was all good. It's almost 8pm and dang. I really hurt.

When we were parking this morning my husband pulled in to spot 414. I told him that means we'll get 14 eggs. He said we should move to spot 418 then. I should have told him to, because we did in fact get 14 eggs. More than my previous cycles. The doctor said she though 9 or 10 would fertilized since some looked immature. I'll take it. We find out tomorrow.

Another difference between this ER and my last ones is that I remember EVERYTHING that happened between getting the twilight and being put out. I don't know if it's because the meds were less or because I willed myself to remember everything. But it made me more comfortable with everything. When he told me "Ok, now you're going to go to sleep" I was ready.

I don't know how I feel about all this. Hopeful? No. Defeated? Nope. Numb...maybe. We'll see what tomorrow's fertility report says. That my change my mood.

One thing I do feel is: Since my other ERs were so painless I was very comfortable with the idea of just going from ER to ER until something sticks. Now that I feel like this...it's harder for me to think like that. I know it's what we'll do (if we have to), but I don't want to think about it right now.

Triggered

2012-02-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

Today's monitoring appointment made me feel better than yesterday's. The biggest follicle didn't grow much more. And the others are starting to catch up. My Right Ovary is a super trooper. There are about 9 follicles there that might be something. Leftie has 5 (plus a bunch of little ones).

Now obviously some might not be mature enough. Some might be too mature. Some follicles might be empty. But there's a good chance we'll have something to work with.

I took a final anti-ovulating shot at 11. A little extra Gonal F at 2pm. And then I triggered at 10pm. As with every time I take a HCG shot to trigger I am expecting to wake up cramping tonight. Fun.

Back to the monitoring appointment, when the dildo cam showed what we were working it the nurse went "whoa!". My ovaries are HUGE and I am really feeling them today. Sore and bloated is the name of the game for the next few days.

Retrieval should be a bit of a relief.

And since this is a pretty rambling post - here's what freaks me out a bit about retrieval. During my first retrieval the IV went in and the next thing I remember is waking up. (I foggely remember telling my husband to take a picture of me in the hospital bed hooked up to the machines - Me wanting a picture of myself? You know I was still pretty drugged up).

But what I heard later is that that IV didn't put me to sleep. It was something called Twilight where you're totally conscious, you just don't remember any of it. Apparently I gave them my name. Joked a little. And then climbed into the operating table. THEN they put me to sleep.

I HATE that idea. It really freaked me out. So the next retrieval I told myself to pay attention to EVERYTHING. And when I woke up I had a memory of climbing onto the table. That's it.

Creepy right?! My mom says she likes going under for surgeries because you just wake up and it's done. I am not like that. I like being in control. I like knowing everything that's going on. I like asking questions. The idea that there is at least an hour of my life that I have no say in is horrible.

But I do it. Isn't that what this whole process is? Facing your fears and overcoming them. Over and Over again. Because nothing is as terrifying as not having the family you want.

Now that's scary.

Trigger Tomorrow

2012-02-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Today's doctor's appointment wasn't awesome. I've still got about 12+ follicles. The problem is some are way bigger than others. My biggest is at a 21. My smaller ones at a 13.

So my RE had to figure out when to trigger. Do we trigger tonight and risk the smaller ones not being ready or do we trigger tomorrow night and risk the bigger ones being too "ripe".

We're triggering tomorrow. And I'm nervous.

I know the odds of me ovulating early have more to do with my estrogen level than the size of that big follicle. I know the ovulation suppressing drugs I'm on work in the large majority of cases (and in my case last cycle). I know I'm probably going to be fine. I just can't shake the fear.

And then there is the more real fear. What if half these follicles are garbage because of the weird timing? Perhaps I just got greedy with my previous retrievals. I know it just takes one good egg to make one good embryo to make one great sibling for Bea.

So tomorrow I trigger. Let's hope that egg is there.

Holding Steady

2012-02-03T23:48:00.000-08:00

I won't bore anyone with the nitty gritty (thyroid up, sugar getting tested on Monday).

But in Follicle news I've got 14 that we can see right now. This time last cycle I had ten visible. These follicles are a little bigger than this time last cycle and my lining is already up to a 6.6 when last time at this point it was under a 3.

What's that mean? I don't know. Last cycle I stimmed for 10 days. Maybe this cycle it'll be 9 or 10. Which will have me triggering Thursday-ish for a Saturday retrievel. We'll see.

So we're doing well. I stay on the same drugs til Sunday when I get to add two more shots to my routine. Luveris and Cetrotide.

Third Time's the... Eh.

2012-02-02T00:54:00.000-08:00

Day 2 of stimming

IVF #1 - Holy crap we're doing this!
IVF #2 - Whatever. It won't work anyway.
IVF #3 - Holy crap, why the fuck am I doing this?

I'm really surprised at the hostility I'm feeling toward each injection. It's really hitting me this cycle how incredibly unfair it is that most people just screw and get knocked up and I have to suffer just to have a shot at it.

Even in the throws of IF pre-Bea I didn't feel the bitter too often. It was usually the scared and the sad and the desperate. I guess having Bea frees me of those feelings and it's really just pure bitter right now.

The First Poke is the Deepest

2012-01-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

I started stimming today. How many times have I stuck myself in the stomach and yet it's still so weird. I still get that nervous feeling before the jab brings it on home.

I had a moment of "what the hell am I doing?" tonight. This shit is serious. It's not fun. It means in less than two weeks I'll be hooked up to an IV and knocked out. My ovaries will be poked full of holes. And there's still not guarantee they'll be Bea's sibling(s) at the end of this. And lets face it. That's the scariest shit of them all. No matter how unfun the shots are. No matter how sore you are after you wake up from retrieval. The biggest pain is a BFN. Maybe that's what I'm the most scared of.

I'm trying not to think of it as this cycle ends in a few weeks. I'm trying to look at it as this hiatus from my job I am going to do as many IVFs as it takes to get pregnant. (God PLEASE let me have enough time - not need so many IVFs). So whether or not this one works I"m that much closer to being a mom of more than one.

For those that care I basically have the same drugs as my successful cycle (sweet Bea's cycle). Every night I inject 1 bottle of Menapur 300 of Gonal F and every other night a 1/2 bottle of HgH.

My first monitoring appointment is Friday. More drugs to come!

Here We Go

2012-01-26T21:34:00.000-08:00

Work has been tough the past few weeks. Leaving the house at 7am getting home at 2am kind of weeks. Working weekend kind of weeks. Working for seven hours on a scene only to have it torn apart in seconds kind of weeks.

But the season is over. It's time to start cycling again. Or is it? The big decision right now is do I sit out a month or not. Will the stress effect the follicles that are starting to grow? Should I let my body start to heal first? Eat healthy, exercise, get massages and accupuncture?

I went to the RE today. I have just a few small cysts, like my successful (Bea) cycle. I have more follicles than my Bea cycle. Things look good. So we're gonna see what happens. I'm getting blood work tomorrow morning and then I go in on CD3 (probably Monday). If things look good we start injections and then IVF #3 is just a few weeks away. Crazy.

BFN

2011-12-22T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was not surprised. I've been testing since 3dp5dt and saw nothing but bright white.

It sucks. No doubt.

It sucked every time I saw a white pee stick.

It sucked having to take the stupid PIO shots that gave me stupid night sweats even though I knew I wasn't pregnant.

It sucked having to get poked several times today to get enough blood to tell me I'm not pregnant.

It sucked when my RE called and gave me sad voice.

It sucked when that RE mentioned this might be an egg quality issues since someone my age should have more than one kid out of all the eggs I made.

It sucked when the fear came back....will it ever happen again?

What doesn't suck? This time when I was trying to hold back my tears my 13 month old daughter....the most amazing girl in the world....climbed into my lap and hugged me.

Yes it was a BFN but I am still so FUCKING lucky. I'm a Mom.

Should get AF on Christmas Day (joy) and start cycling for my next IVF in February.

Today Was the Day

2011-12-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

Transfer days are different when you have a child. I spend my drive in to work crying tears of gratitude again at the thought that the "Mom" necklace I wear is mine regardless of what happens today.

We got to the Transfer place early (maybe because it was an excuse to leave work early...). The first words out of the receptionist's mouth was "Arlene needs to speak to you." Immediately I assume something is wrong. Nope. Just needed to pay.

So we sit in the waiting room with other couples....couples with that desperate look that I had for so many years. I wanted to let them know it does get better. It gets so SO much better. But instead I waited the wait of someone whose whole life does not rest on the outcome of this transfer. As my DH put it "We're playing with house money now". We already got lucky.

But then we kept waiting. Every other couple went back to have their retrievals or their transfers. We were alone. Even the receptionist went to lunch. And my mind started racing. Thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

My RE showed up and told us the wait was just because the lab was backed up. It had nothing to do with us. But she did have news on our embryos. They thawed the first two and they only looked so-so. So they were now thawing the last two. We'd find out how those were doing in a few minutes.

We finally go back to the transfer room and we get the update. The last two thawed well and were looking "good." I asked does that mean Awesome, Really nice, or just fine. My RE said "good". She explained that since they were thawed more recently the hadn't fully plumped up yet so they could get great. But for now good was all we were going to get.

I feel like an embryo expert because of my IVFs, my BFFs IVFs and the countless photos I've seen online. But looking at the picture of my thawed Embryos I could not tell a dang thing.

So a speculum, u/s, catheter placement later and the embryologist came out and informed my RE that the two good embryos had plumped up and looked great. We were now working with 2 "Very Good" embryos!

Transfer went well. The U/S tech, nurse and RE kept complimenting my "cavity" (humble brag). My RE said a prayer over us (brought me to tears). And now we wait.

Tomorrow

2011-12-12T23:15:00.000-08:00

My FET is scheduled for tomorrow.

I feel so many things right now.

I'm feeling sore from the PIO shots. What the heck? I had a butt of steal the last few times.

I'm feeling awe at how easy (comparitively) a FET is. It doesn't feel real that tomorrow I will (hopefully) have embryos aboard.

I'm feeling nervous. I've had two transfers before this - both fresh IVFs. The first one I found out that only one blast (and a half assed one at that) had made it. The second gave me Bea. That's a 50% chance of crappy news tomorrow or a 50% chance of good news which leads me to:

I'm feeling excited. This really could work. We haven't told any of our parents we're doing this. We have both gotten the "When are you trying for #2" questions and we have shrugged them off. Why? Because last time we told them we were pregnant it wasn't that happy fairy tale moment. It was more of a "I'm technically pregnant, but the betas are low so don't get your hopes up".

IF we get pregnant this cycle we'll have a beta or two under our belts by Christmas. We'll wrap a book about being a big sister and have Bea open it in front of everyone. We'll even get to record the moment. God I want one of those...one of those happy, no fear, pure excitement "We're Pregnants!" like on youtube (BTW do yourselves a favor and watch them ...you'll cry your eyes out). IF we get pregnant this cycle I promise I will let myself get excited.

But if it doesn't work that's okay too. Why?

I feel SO VERY LUCKY AND BLESSED to have Bea. My sweet, sweet daughter. The greatest thing in my life. Knowing how much I love her now I realize how deeply my PPD ran. I missed out on so much of her early life because I just was not myself. I would really love a chance to do it again. But if that doesn't happen I am still the luckiest person in the world.

A co-worker left a few weeks ago and he sent out a fun email with predictions of where we would all be in a few months. His prediction for my best friend and I was that we would be breastfeeding in the office making my easily grossed out by lady things boss uncomfortable. Because that is who we are. We're mothers. It took me 3 years and 2 IVFs to get here, but I'm here. It took my BFF even more IVFs but now she has a son. No matter how hard our journey to get here was it doesn't change the fact that we are seen as mothers, because we ARE mothers. I'm a mom. If I show up tomorrow and there are 0 embryos left. If I never make another embryo again. It doesn't change that. I'm a mom. I'm Bea's mom.....Wow.

12.6.11

2011-12-06T18:58:00.001-08:00

Lining between a 9.6 and 10. FET scheduled for a week from today. We won't know if anything made the thaw until we get there.

PIO shots start Thursday night.

Holy Crap.

12.1.11

2011-12-02T19:46:00.001-08:00

Today my lining was at a 7.7. Estrace moved up to 2mg 3x a day.

My best friend just had her son. There is nothing like being in a maternity ward to pump up your desire to have another baby.

Next RE appt. on Tuesday. Getting my butt psyched up for the PIO shots....

I Make Good Lining

2011-11-29T21:55:00.001-08:00

If there is one thing that I normally don't have to worry about in a cycle, it's my lining. This cycle is no different. Things are progressing nicely. I go in for bloodwork tomorrow - another U/S on Thursday and then if all goes well my FET will be somwhere between 12/13 and 12/16. Which means I could have one hell of a Christmas gift.

CD 1

2011-11-21T20:48:00.001-08:00

Those of us who have been through IF know what CD1 means. Sometimes CD1 can be a kick in the gut. Proof that a cycle has failed. And some CD 1s can be a sign of hope. The start of something new.

That's what this CD1 is. I start Estrace on Wednsday for our FET #1.

I Knew It

2011-10-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

I don't do anything half assed. Month 1 of TTC I already had the ovulation tests out. The preseed. The temping. All of it. Little did I know it would all be kind of useless and it would take us years and lots of procedures to finally get our sweet Bea.

Those ovulation tests were not wasted money however. I noticed that my period came very close to my ovulation. Too close. I suspected by month 3 that I might have progesterone issues.

Fast forward years and my first IVF. After transfer I never had another blood test because I was at my FIL's funeral. My period started four days after transfer. If I had tested my progesterone I'm sure it would have been low.

2nd IVF (that gave me my perfect DD) - I had the progesterone test and as anyone (no one) who reads this blog would know my RE called to tell me despite taking PIO shots every night my progesterone was dangerously low and I needed to double it. I was not allowed to stop those shots til almost 16 weeks.

Clearly something was up.

And this cycle - Cycle #1 of TTC #2 - I got even more proof. I took ovulation tests and got a smilie face. Since I told my RE about my progesterone concerns she tested my Prog at 8dpo to see if I needed supplements.

She called. "You didn't ovulate." What?! So the next day I'm in her office getting wanded. And all the signs say I did ovulate. My lining. A giant blood filled cyst (that RE said happens after ovulation). The one thing that says I didn't was my progesterone....it was at a 1. A freaking 1! We retested that day and it doubled to a whopping 2.1. That's insane. My IVF#2 freakout was about progesterone at an 8.4.

So as I type this I'm taking two progesterone supplements a day. One up and one down if you know what I mean. Tomorrow I might POAS. We'll see.

My hope is not high for this cycle. We're MFI so even knowing I ovulated chances are slim. What I am feeling is excited. I was a little freaked out about getting back on this train, but now I'm ready for it.

Bea is so amazing right now. The first 6 months of her life were very hard for me. PPD, MRSA, breastfeeding issues - Now it's just 100% happiness and complete awe that this wonderful, smart, adorable little girl is mine. I feel nothing but joy and hopefulness and I can't wait to see what's in store for us.

I can't wait to do the baby thing again. If I am ever lucky enough to do it again. This time I'll get help for my PPD. This time I won't have a chunk of my stomach cut out. This time I won't hate myself if I can't breastfeed. This time I'll have sweet Bea next to me.

Let's go further back - to my pregnancy with Bea. I was so worried something would go wrong I never got to enjoy it. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again - This time I will be happy. This time I will get excited. This time I will bond with him/her. This time I'll tell my parents in a way other than "We're pregnant...for now."

And even further back. These cycles I will not have that blood curdling fear "What if I can never have children?". I will not have to avoid places that are full of kids - in fact I get to bring my kid with me.

I'm on the train - but this one is so much nicer.

Choo Choo

2011-09-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

Got the wand again today. Two big follicles (one on each side) racing to see who will ovulate first. The plan is ovulation tests. Regular old sex. Test progesterone and supplement as needed. The end.

Odds low. But low is not zero.

And we're back on the baby train.

Yes or No

2011-09-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Pre-Bea I would joke with the RE that I had a cervix of steel. I have literally broken/bent/ruined a half dozen catheters through my IUIs and Embryo transfers. I was expecting the same today. Instead the catheter went right in. Oh, right. I basically pushed a bowling ball through there. I guess things have changed.

I went to the RE today to make sure my UTE was empty and ready for the next step. It wasn't. There's something in there. Not sure what it is yet. It's either a little something that will leave during my next period or it's a polyp. A polyp will mean surgery to remove it. I don't want that.

So now me and my cervix of sticks/straw are waiting for next cycle to see if the mystery object leaves on its own or if we have to do something about it. It's nothing dangerous. If I wasn't TTC we'd just let it be. But if it is a polyp it could prevent implantation or lead to miscarriage.

That brings me to this cycle. DH and I are deciding if we want to be proactive this month. If the answer is yes I'll go back to the RE on Tuesday and get the wand again. If everything looks good I'll get my blood drawn and see what my progesterone is doing. I have always had a suspicion that I have some major progesterone issues. My luteal phase has always been short. I have moments of anxiety. Both issues of people with low progesterone. I also had to take a large amount of prog. supplements to sustain Bea's pregnancy.

So we'll test my progesterone and probably supplement and do old fashion ovulation tests and sex and see if miracles happen.

Or we could not do anything. No early morning appointments. No blood draws. No freaking out. No 2ww. We could just relax until the big FET.

I'll let you know what we choose.

It Begins Again

2011-09-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

The Long Road Ahead

Today I went back to the RE. It was just the preliminary workup. We scheduled blood work. Got the wand (looks like I just O'ed). Everything looks good.

The second I started driving towards the office my body knew what was happening. Each step made my heart beat faster. The freeway exit. The parking structure. The office building. The right floor. The office.

It knew what this all meant. Months and months of heartache, pain (both mental and physical) and disappointment.

We went over a schedule for my FET. Looks like sometime in December might work out. An awesome Christmas present or a sad reminder that we have to work hard to build our family.

I have four blasts left. She said one was really good, two were good and one was okay. She rated them 3 Bs and a C.

My head immediately went to Why no As? This isn't going to work. I'll have to do more IVFs. Pain, Sadness, Fear....

I have Bea now. Sweet, wonderful, perfect Bea. I know all the failed FETs in the world can't take her away. If this is my family I am unbelievably lucky. I feel bad wanting more. Like I'm pushing my luck. And yet there were other feelings that came back today. In the middle of the fear, sadness, anxiety... there was hope and desire the knowledge that I'm here to fight.

7 Months

2011-07-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't visited this blog in a while. Don't know what drew me to it today. But I checked out some comments and noticed I got my first judgemental one! I don't know why I'm so excited about that. Makes me feel like a real blogger I guess.

Anonymous (isn't that always the case?) if you are reading this , thank you for opening my eyes. Because you took the time out of what I can only imagine is a busy, fufilling and contented life, (I mean why else would you take the time to comment on some strangers blog unless you were happy with your own life) I now realize that yes I am an unfit mother. God knew it. That's why he made me infertile. If only you came in to my life sooner I would have saved my family a lot of heartache.

Now back to those of us who weren't blessed by god to not need an MD to get pregnant.

As hard as the first 5 months were for me, the past 2 have been incredible. I have the absolute best baby in the world. I would spend every second with her if I could. She's so smart and fearless. She's already crawling. Says "mama". She loves the water and is desperate to grab at the cats. I mean look at this kid!

I have never felt a need to hide my infertility. I'm not embarassed by it. Instead I'm proud. I'm proud of how tough I was for all those years. All the fears I had to face. How such a horrible time in our lives just brought my husband and I together. And all of it, every shot, every tear, every second of fear was entirely worth it. I want those of you who stumble on this blog using search terms like IVF or infertility to know that though you will never be the same, it does get so much better.

I am also not embarassed to admit how hard the first few months of motherhood were for me. Maybe it's just a normal thing that happens to some women (I have certainly met a lot of other mother who had similar feelings). Maybe it has to do with a kind of post tramatic stress that IF brought me ( I never let myself get attached to Bea while she was an inside baby). Maybe it was hormones. Or maybe anonymous was right and it's because I'm an unfit mother. Whatever the reason if any of you out there is feeling this right now let me tell you that this too gets better. Oh man, it gets so much better. It becomes everything you fantasized motherhood would be.

One year ago today...

2011-02-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

Was my egg retrieval. What a difference a year makes.

2 months old

2011-01-16T19:35:00.000-08:00

My RE told me that I can start trying for #2 when Bea is 7 months old. That's in June. May I'll be back at the RE getting tested. Crazy right?

Until then you can see Bea grow on her own blog

Babybeasblog.blogspot.com

The First 6 Weeks

2010-12-30T21:10:00.000-08:00

They're HARD.

I am not a newborn person. I feel bad typing this since I tried so hard for a baby and there are so many others still desperate to be where I am.

But the first month of Bea's life was really hard for me. First I suffered from a pretty bad case of Baby Blues. Thank God my husband felt an immediate bond with my daughter, cause I sure didn't. I didn't really want to hold her or take care of her - I just went through the motions.

I think a big reason for this was breastfeeding. My body decided to not make a lot of milk. So something that was already stressful (breastfeeding...also REALLY hard) became even more so. Bea lost a lot of weight and was not peeing at all - despite THREE lactation consultants. Every breastfeed (and there were a lot of them) was a horrible, painful experience. So basically every time I held my daughter I associated her with this horrible pain and stress.

We ended up supplementing with formula - and I felt like a HUGE failure. After all that I did during my IF days (lets face it...I'll always carry IF with me) the one positive was that I felt like I was so strong and could do anything. Here was something I was failing at and all of a sudden the accomplishments of the past 3 years meant nothing. I wasn't strong. I was weak.

Then I had to start pumping. Why you ask? Oh...how bout I picked up a crazy infection called MRSA while in the hospital (go ahead...google it...scare the shit out of yourself). I was super infectious and couldn't even TOUCH Bea nevermind skin to skin as she suckled at my teat. To sum up the worst of the MRSA I had a quarter wide, inch deep piece of my stomach cut out while I was totally conscious and felt all of it....and that was just a small part of the pain and fear I felt for a few weeks.

I cried my eyes out every day. Begging the universe to tell me why everything had to be so hard for me. When did I get a break.

So shitty couple of weeks right? What about now?

Everything is so much better. I'm still pumping and supplementing - but I feel less guilty about it. Still have a big old wound on my tummy - but the infection is gone, the pain is gone, and I'm on the mend. And Bea? I got my break. I could not love this child more. Look at that picture up there! I get to see that face whenever I want. (and at 3am...when I don't want to) The newborn stage is gone. Now she's smiling, making eye contact. She's giggling and recognizing me. I understand what her cries mean (most of the time). She's so much fun. And it's only getting better and better. I know I'm biased, by somehow I ended up with the cutest, sweetest, most easy going baby in the world. I can't wait to see what our future holds.

I think I wrote this post because like my IVFs and IF I want everyone to know what I went though. Just like I'm not embarassed/ashamed that my daughter was created in a lab i am not embarassed/ashamed that I wasn't head over heels in pure mommy bliss from day one.

I don't think I'm alone. And neither are you.

Beatrice Ann

2010-11-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

Finally after 3 years. 2 IVFs. 9 months. HUNDREDS of needles.... She's here.

A successful induction (it can be done). An epidural (held off as long as I could). 5cm-birth in about 3 hours. 30 minutes of actual pushing.

Nov. 17th at 5:32pm. 8 pounds 9 ounces. 20.6 inches.

Baby Bea.

The Final Two Week Wait

2010-11-14T19:14:00.001-08:00

Everything about pregnancy was new to me. Until now.

The last two weeks are so very familiar.

It's the two week wait. Except a little different. Every cramp, every twinge, boob pain, discomfort, back pain, temperature change, feeling "off", feeling "great"... they were all signs I read into every month for the past 3 years. And now they are all signs I'm reading into today. Instead of searching the TP for spotting to show implantation, I'm looking for the bloody show. Instead of twoweekwait.com I'm googling "how did you feel before labor".

Of course there is on amazing difference...I know how this will end. And pretty soon Beautiful Baby Bea will be here.

Very soon. If I don't go before - my induction is scheduled for the 17th.

11.17.10 That feels like a good day to have a baby.

Full Term

2010-10-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

Well in a day or two.

I don't know what to say.

Our nursery is done (almost). Our hospital bags are packed. There is a car seat in our car.

We're going to have a baby any day/week now.

Life is so insanely good I almost can't handle it.

That's all.

28w5 days a.k.a. When Things Get Good

2010-09-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been in third trimester for over a week now. I feel Bea moving everyday. I can even watch my stomach bumping up and down while I'm working. Despite the fact that I'm getting bigger and more uncomfortable I have never felt better.

THIS is what I was waiting for. Some sense of calm. Not questioning every weird CM. Ever minute without movement. Every new ache or pain. The JOY of pregnancy.

Is it any wonder my Blood Pressure has gone way down recently?

The nursery is in progress. We have a crib, dresser and glider. Every night I go in there, sit on my glider and just rock for a little bit. I really love that room.

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. (I'm obese and there is a history on both sides of the family...so not really a shocker). I've been on the diet for about 3 weeks. My sugars are great. I don't have that many cravings. And my OB is cool letting Bea stay put (if she wants) til at least my due date if not longer.

Speaking of long I'm growing one heck of a kid in here. At my last ultrasound roughly 2.5 weeks ago she was already weighing in at close to 3 pounds. Her legs are in the 97th percentile! She as a whole is in the 96th. Her stomach (a better indicator of GD related growth) is only in the mid-80s so this is not a crazy overfed sugar baby. This is a long legged (like her mother) big headed (like her father) chunky monkey.

And I can't wait to meet her.

Freak Out

2010-07-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

This week my boss's wife had a baby. A little girl. I was happy for them and excited for me. I realized that will be me in a few more months.

And that started my emotional downfall. Oh no. A little bit of faith. Actually letting myself think about a take home baby. Time to start sabotaging my happiness. First it was weird (explainable) discharge. Then a phone call to the OB office. A great conversation with one of the doctors saying if I'm not bleeding/crampy/feeling pressure it's all good.

Okay, I'm not feeling any of those things. Or am I? What's that pain? Is my discharge a little darker than usual? Would I call that a light brown?! That could be old blood! Oh God my stomach is hard. Braxton Hicks??!?!?! And did I always have that pressure feeling in my groin!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yes, that's right. The pure act of letting myself feel even for a second that this pregnancy will result in a baby caused me to forget what it felt like to be pregnant the day before. Every sensation was new and scary.

I knew it was all in my head. Everything could be justified. But the panic...the TERROR just built. So I went to my OB's office today. The receptionist asked me my symptoms. I told her they were all in my head. I just needed someone to tell me it was all going to be okay. The receptionist was so cool. Though I was crying she told me don't worry about it. It's my right to come here and get checked out whenever I needed it. She even came to check on me after my appointment was over.

Next I see the nurse practitioner. Another awesome lady who did a swab, blood pressure, weight and after hearing why I was there told me I needed to find a way to cope with the anxiety. Therapy/prenatal yoga were a few suggestions. I said I knew logically things were find, but I asked if I could still get an Ultrasound. She said I could get one whenever I wanted.

My two fears were low fluid and a shortening cervix. We immediately saw Bea's heartbeat. She's so cute. Over a pound now and "above average" (what a proud mom I am). The fluid was fine. Next stop the cervix. It has always been about a 4 and I was so scared it would be much shorter. Instead it had grown. It was now almost 5.

Proof. Proof that everything was alright. But honestly when has there ever been a moment in this pregnancy where an u/s should anything but a perfect Bea? And yet I still get scared.

So we have the final conversation with the nurse and she tells me more often than not things turn out fine. She's seen heroin addicts have healthy babies. Our bodies were designed for this. Things will be okay. And I listened. And I believed. She said I should be enjoying this time. Not wasting it. I totally agree. Then the kicker. She said if I'm like this now how will I be when there is a baby.

This got to me because I always assumed this was a pregnancy thing with me. I'm not one of those super anxious girls. I'm not a hypochondriac or anything like that. This is the first time I've ever felt this out of control. But what if it's not just about pregnancy? What if it bleeds into my parenting? I don't want to live like this.

So I'm going to try extra hard. We're going to buy the furniture and paint the nursery and why shouldn't we? We having a baby.

Pow!

2010-07-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a "fluffy" mom to be. In other words a fatty fatty fat fat. We thought it was going to take a while for my husband to get to feel Bea move. But we lucked out. She likes to kick hard in that little area between my stomach and my nether region. You know what I'm talking about. Right where the underwear stops. Think of a guy with a HUGE beer gut. See his pants below his stomach? She kicks at the belt buckle. You know from now on I'm going to call that area the belt buckle.

And when she kicks there I can put my hand on the belt buckle and feel it. And I tell my husband to come over and put his hand there. And then my stubborn little girl, who had been doing jazzercise up to that point, stops and he feels nothing. And we're in that awkward Twister type pose for ten minutes until he gets bored and stops.

Last night Bea was up to her usual antics and I told my husband to come over. He sat down and she stopped. But then POW. A huge kick. And my husband's face lit up the way it did when I told him we were pregnant. It was amazing.

I may be too cynical and too informed to be one hundred percent naively excited about this pregnancy, but thank God my husband can still enjoy it. And I can enjoy it through his enjoyment. I can enjoy it when we pull out the doppler and hear the heartbeat and he gets so excited. I can enjoy his texts that say "I love you two too". And I can enjoy it when my mom talks about her "Sweet Bea" and my MIL says she can't wait to see "what will Bea". (how lucky that we picked a name with so many puns ;o)

I feel so lucky that I can give that to them.

Half Baked

2010-07-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am officially on the downhill. Monday was 20 weeks. Friday was my anatomy scan. I don't want to brag but the word "perfect" was thrown around a few times. Also the term "Bigger mother" (I'm over six feet tall and obese) so we're going back at 24 weeks to look at everything again. We found out our daughter has a big head (like her dad), long legs (like her mom) and a tiny stomach (no idea where that came from).

I started feeling Bea move. A little at first. You know how they say it feels like butterflies or popcorn or other pretty little similes? To me it felt like when you are in a pool and you fart and the bubbles go up your bathing suit....just inside and not as hard. Now she's moving more and more. Kicks and all. I love it.

I also had another milestone. Today was my first post pregnant OB appointment that didn't involve an U/S. She just weighted me. Checked my (high) blood pressure. Listened for the (amazing/beautiful/still unbelievable) heartbeat. Then asked how I was doing. A couple of discharge questions later (yes mucousy discharge is fine...also your discharge can be yellowish in color....The more you know) and we were handed our bottle of orange soda for the glucose test in four weeks. That was it. How....normal.

In is she finally ready to accept the fact that she's having a baby news....there is a stroller in our house as we speak. There is also a collection of babylegs, a couple of onsies, paint to start the nursery, some nursery art and bedding has been ordered. How's that for a girl who has spent the last couple of months waiting for the other shoe to drop?

IF BFF

2010-06-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

My best friend and I share a lot. We are writing partners. We live about a mile from each other. We both met our husbands on the same website. We call each other "Wifie" because we are that big a part of each others' lives.

Well one thing we share that I wish we didn't was IF. We also share one failed IVF. And while my #2 was successful. She's still waiting for the go ahead to try it again.

Check out her new blog. She's funny.

mylazyeggs.blogspot.com

17 weeks

2010-06-13T16:39:00.001-07:00

I don't know why anyone would still be following this blog since I haven't posted in 9 weeks. It's difficult to update. Either I'm worried about something (bleeding at 10 weeks....menstrual cramping at 16 weeks) and I'd feel like a huge ass complaining about the fear on a blog that was once an infertility blog. If I was reading it I'd think WTF you're PREGNANT enjoy it. You want real fear? Don't you remember the fear of not knowing if you could actually get pregnant or not?

OR it's the rare day I actually believe I'm going to have a baby and it's such a fragile fleeting moment I don't want to disturb it or jinx it.

As has been the theme in many of my post pregnancy posts...IF takes a lot from you. Even when you get pregnant it still takes.

Now on to good (great, amazing, holy crap) news. I'm 17 weeks pregnant. My belly is growing. We're almost to the part where it's more baby than fat. We had a surprise U/S this week (see early menstrual cramping at 16 weeks) and we found out 1. baby is perfect and measuring right on time. 2. My cervix is still long and tight (TMI?) so the cramping is just my body handling pregnancy and is not affecting anything. 3. It's a girl!!!!!!

I still can't believe it. It's so surreal. I'm not feeling movement yet so every time I see HER on the U/S machine it just feels like I'm watching TV as a tech covers me with goo. But SHE'S real. SHE'S inside me. SHE'S coming in five months.

I'm getting more confident in this. I even ALMOST bought a stroller today. (then decided let's see what the 20week scan shows....)

8 Weeks

2010-04-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Though I am extremely appreciative to be here it still is this weird limbo place. I'm starting to believe the fact that I'm going to have a baby. I'm starting to get excited. But when I get excited I get nervous.

Yesterday was a great example of that. I had hit 8 weeks. A day I've been waiting for. I know I'm still not out of the woods, but pre-pregnancy I always saw 8 weeks as this mystical place. Your ultrasound shows something that kind of looks like a baby. Your m/c rate goes down to a small percentage. It was a safe(r) zone.

Well I woke up at 8 weeks with an intense case of food poisoning. Vomiting. Diarrhea. I was weak, tired, covered in sweat. And of course I assumed I hurt/killed my nugget. Horrible day.

Today we went in for an ultrasound and Nugget looked great. Giant compared to last week. Heart beating away. The doctor said everything looked perfect and we should be excited.

So at this moment I'm going to do just that...be excited....maybe.

You Know You Have a Great BFF When....

2010-04-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

She drives to your house to give you a shot in the ass.

And it's not the first time she's done it.

Thank you so much Jess. I can never repay you.

We Have a Heartbeat

2010-03-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, according to my RE it's not technically a "heart" yet, because it's too early for organs. And it's not pumping blood it's pumping fluids. But whatever it was...it was there.

Baby is measuring right on time. It's crazy how much more there was at this ultrasound than the last a mere 5 days ago. Last time it was a sac and a blur. Now there's a sac and a non-descript white thing. And it's awesome!

Today....later today....maybe tomorrow if I don't have the guts....I'm going to buy pregnancy books on Amazon. DH and I have been pretty cautious about buying things...as if it will jinx us. But we agreed when we see heartbeat we could buy a book or two. A stroller? That might be after my water breaks.

I want to take a minute to thank each and every one of you who read this. For Annie who was my angel last IVF sending me free meds all the way from the East Coast. Still now...9 months later, I think of how much that gesture meant to me. To Suzie (who has an amazing blog for those that choose/needed to formula feed) you have been there everyday for the last 2+ years of this. You have only ever said things to make me feel better which is amazing considering the landmines you had to navigate around. To those who have beaten IF and have been very comforting during these past extremely scary weeks. You have no idea how each "that happened to me" or "not a big deal" has calmed me down.

And finally to those still struggling with IF...if you're even still around. I know I used to stop going to blogs at this point because it was just too painful.... There is no reason this should be me and not you. It's unfair. This whole fucking thing is so unfair. People long removed from this hell say it was the worst time in their lives. And it lasts years....fucking years. And even when you get to this point....it still takes from you. Every second of the past 3 weeks I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like an imposter. I assume with ever cramp, every day I'm not sick, every time the ultrasound wand is inserted that this will be over and I'll be back to the woman who's trying to get pregnant...because that's who I am. Good luck to all of you and may your next IUI, IVF or break cycle bring you the utter fear that this IVF brought me.

We Have a Bean!

2010-03-25T10:54:00.001-07:00

There he/she is. No heartbeat yet and no fetal pole but a beautiful yolk sack, so I am thrilled.

Well, thrilled isn't the exact word. Thrilled would imply I thought in November I'd be a mommy. I think I think that, but I'm not sure.

I still feel like I'm in the trying to get pregnant mindset. Can you blame me? It's been like that for over two years. This is just another step. I feel like I did after my latest ER. Happy we got good eggs, but knowing the next step could be the killer.

I used to tell my body...Please don't bleed before I get to POAS...just let me have that. Then it was Don't get AF til Beta....just let me have that. Then, let's see one doubling BETA...let me have that. Well I just past the Please don't let me miscarriage before the first ultrasound. Next it's Please let me see a heartbeat.

Yes. I'm still the IF Pessimist, but don't let all that tough talk fool you....I'm starting to get a little excited.

Next UltraSound on Tuesday.

5 Weeks

2010-03-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry these posts are more facts than feelings. I'm just not ready to admit how I feel. I do not want to get my hopes up. I have no reason not to....there is no spotting (anyone know when I stop feeling extreme relief every time I wipe and don't see red?), no AF cramping (though lots of pulling tugging going on), I POAS yesterday for fun and the line is so dark now you can see it from the moon. My boobs are slightly hurting sometimes. My nipples are darker. I've had brief bouts of nausea and offensives smells...but only brief. I nap in the middle of the day if I can. I pee a lot and no matter how much I drink...and believe me I'm drink a LOT...it's dark yellow. Every night my dreams are crazy vivid. And lets not talk about the copious amounts of CM.

And yet even with all that if I didn't know for a fact I was pregnant, if I was searching for these symptoms, I don't think I would even be suspicious. I don't go around all day feeling pregnant. I go around wishing I felt more pregnant.

First Ultrasound in 4 days.

Question

2010-03-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not jinxing myself by putting a ticker in my blog right?

11dp5dt

2010-03-16T20:19:00.000-07:00

3rd Beta: 192

Average for 16dpo: 202

I'm practically normal!!

Doubling time: 32 hours.

No more Betas.....first ultrasound Thursday March 25th.

Still no cramping. No spotting. Just pregnant.

Holy crap. I'm pregnant. When do I start actually believing that?

Symptoms for those who care: One day of water CM. Tired earlier. Loss of appetite. Peeing ALL THE TIME....tiny bouts of nausea. Boobs still don't hurt which I hope is a comfort to those of you who also have boobs of steel that feel nothing when almost everyone else has painful nips as a first symptom of pregnancy.

9dp5dt

2010-03-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

This is not going to be long. I have a lot to say, but I'm afraid to say it. I don't want to jink myself or start getting my hopes up.

What I will say is:

6dp5dt HCG was 17
8dp5dt HCG was 44

Doubling Time is roughly 31 hours.

Next Beta is Tuesday, 11dp5dt

No spotting. No cramping. Lots of positive HPTs.

Still Pregnant....For Now

2010-03-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

Beta at 6dp5dt was 17.

Not great.

After a car ride home bucking myself up and then a few minutes convincing my DH that everything is going to be just fine..... I peed and wiped brown.

Really not great.

Nothing's over. But it's close.

Oh well. At least I go to be pregnant for a day.

I hate how hurt my husband is. He's a great man and deserves better than this.

5dp5dt

2010-03-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't test this morning. 5dp5dt feels like the day a lot of women get their positive tests. I didn't think I could take the glaring white pregnancy test. I have NO symptoms. Not a cramp. Not sore boobies. Nothing. But also no more blood so that's good too. If there is anything I guess it's a loss of appetite, which I chalk up to nerves.

We got out of work very early today so I figured I'd go to Walgreens and buy some pregnancy tests. The ones on sale of course...even with something this important I want a deal.

On the drive home I had to go pee so I figured why the hell not POAS? It was the afternoon (clearly not FMU), I'll use the least sensitive test and I had peed less than three hours early so when it came up negative I could blame all that and still believe there was a chance I was pregnant.

So I pee. I dunk. I flip through a magazine. I check the test....

And it's positive. And it stayed positive in indoor light, outdoor light, bathroom light, bedroom light....the line was still there.I grabbed a digital assuming because I got the test on sale at Walgreens it must be defective. (there is NO way I'm pregnant).

The digital said "Pregnant". I don't know if I believe it yet. But that's what it said.

So two positive tests.

I called my BFF and had her meet me at Walgreens to buy the same exact tests. We bought $70 worth of tests. Jess made a joke to the checkout guy that we were partying tonight.

We went home and I made Jess (on BCP) take the same tests to prove that they didn't give everyone the same "pregnant" results. Her's said "Not Pregnant". Holy shit...this is real.

When my husband got home I had a baseball shaped Easter basket with the positive test in it. I said I got him something from the new Walgreen's. He looked at it and it took him a few minutes to piece it together. He started shaking. "Is this serious?!?!" We hugged. He looked like he was going to cry. We compared the two positives to Jess's two negatives. He kind of believes it too.

This so weird. I think in theory I knew this would happen someday. But I didn't really believe it. I still don't really believe it.

Now what? I know what it's like to be infertile. I don't know how to be pregnant.

I'm Freaking Out

2010-03-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

I was so happy just a few hours ago. My how things change.

The doctor called to tell me my Progesterone test came back "Very Low". I shoved a suppository in and she had me double my PIO. She said to have Jeremy do it as soon as he got home....even if it's early.

Sounds panicky doesn't it?

I asked her what this means. She said we're at a point that too much lower would be "dangerously low" for sustaining pregnancy, but it wouldn't effect if I was pregnant or not. (which seems like bullshit since i just saw online low progesterone can effect implantation.)

This must be why I started bleeding this day last time. I just didn't know it cause instead of testing I was at my FIL's funeral. So of course every trip to the bathroom has become a search for spotting. A little bit ago I found the tiniest little bit of brown.

I want to throw up. It's over before it even started. Even if it's not over....it feels like it.

If there is a positive....and I doubt it....at least next time we'll know sooner.

FUCK.

3dp5dt

2010-03-08T13:09:00.001-08:00

I had four embryos left after transfer. I thought one had a real chance of freezing. Could you imagine actually having a frozen embryo? Neither could I.

So today was the day I find out if anything froze. Got a call from the nurse...a new one. This was my first time talking to her.

Nurse: "Hello, this is Vikki. Dr. B_____ wanted me to call and let you know about your embryos."

Me: "Great." (though inside I'm thinking "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ONE FREEZE!")
Nurse: "Looks like you have four frozen."

Me: "........ (speechlessness)" then "Holy crap! Seriously?!"

She told me 3 are considered excellent and 1 is average. That's right ALL FOUR remaining blasts FROZE!!! I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

Other than that amazing news, here's what's up... Last night I kept waking up either drenched in sweat (thank you progesterone) or just bloody uncomfortable. Bed rest stopped this morning. I celebrated with a shower. It felt good. I gave blood to check progesterone levels and was planning on going to the mall, but got super tired and sweaty so i went home instead.

I have no cramps. No bleeding. No painful boobies. No symptoms. And I'm okay with that. I've come to peace with the fact that 1. It's still early and 2. a lot of people feel nothing. We'll see what happens at Beta a week from today. (right...like I can wait that long)

To Lindsay RE: Diet Changes

2010-03-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

I did not significantly change my diet at all.

For the last two weeks I tried to eat more veggies, but that was more diet than IVF Diet. I also ate a lot less sugar for the same reason.

What did change? I had MUCH less stress. Last cycle I had just finished a job that caused me to break out in hives. Plus I was dealing with a dying FIL. This cycle my job is fantastic and luckily everyone I love is in good health. And of course the first IVF is so much more stressful than the second. This one has kind of flown by since I not only know what to expect, but I know it's not that bad.

I also really upped my vitamins. A LOT more vitamin D, Calcium, Fish Oil and Folic Acid than just what's in the Prenatals. Once again, this wasn't just for IVF, but for health in general.

Finally the biggest thing was just a change in protocol. I did antigone this time with no Lupron. There were other changes too, but I have a feeling Lupron was my downfall. I stress MY downfall, because what drugs work well for you is very personal.

Hope this helped though I bet it doesn't. I realized reading post after post with titles like "IVF BFPs What Did You Do?" the answers are so damn varied. I really wish there was a right way and a wrong way. Just today I spent hours reading about how much bedrest people did before they got BFPs.... it ranged from "I was gardening day of transfer" to "one full week I didn't leave the bed". As I type this I'm sitting next to a giant glass of grape juice cause I read somewhere that's supposed to help implantation. I doubt it does, but we're just so desperate to do whatever we can.

I hope whatever you do it's the perfect thing for you.

Transfer

2010-03-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

I'm on bed rest now so perhaps when boredom over takes me (thank you two hour Elizabeth Taylor Biography for warding that off a little longer) I'll write a longer post...but for now a quick recap.....

Last cycle only 1 blast made it (a grade C).

This time there were 6. Two A's are resting comfortably inside of me as we speak. We'll hear if any froze tomorrow.

I am extremely optimistic. Even if this one doesn't work, we can make quality embryos.

The very sweet nurse told me this is twins and that at the clinic everyone with A Blasts gets pregnant. I don't know if the odds are quite a 100% but I'll take it.

I'll leave with a quick tip.... Drink you 48ounces at least an hour before transfer so your doctor doesn't have to reschedule other patients while she waits for your bladder to fill.

Day 3 Fertility Report

2010-03-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

I went back to work on Tuesday. On the drive there I started feeling sick. I assumed it was becaue I'd been so lazy the last few days and my body wasn't used to being out and about.

But things got worse. By lunch time I couldn't stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I drove home..almost having to pull over to throw up...fell in to bed and stayed there til my husband came home from work.

I had a fever. I was so week I couldn't stand long enough to fill my PIO needle. I called my doctor fearful of an infection (not OHSS my bloating had actually gone down) or something that would keep me from transfer on Friday. She told me to go to the ER. I decided to wait til the morning to see if I felt better (the ER being the last place I'd want to go).

The next morning I woke up covered in sweat. The fever had broken. By the end of the day I was doing a little jig (you'll hear why soon). Crazy sick. Crazy fast. Then Crazy better. Just a flu nothing to do with the surgery and nothing to ruin the transfer.

So why the jig? Got my day 3 fertility report! At 6pm...which gave me plenty of time to worry that she was avoiding me cause it was bad news. She wasn't.

Last time at day 3 I had: "2 at 7, 1 at 6 and 2 a 5 cells" (isn't it nice to have a blog to look back on?)

This time I have 9 left! 3 at 7, 4 at 8 1 at 9 cells and a morula! -- I told my Ivf veteran friend at work and she started tearing up. Holy crow me might have more than one crappy blast on Friday!

I know this doesn't guareentee anything, but even if this cycle doesn't work doesn't it feel like they found the right mix of cocktails for me?

Last time I had a problem with egg quality. If you remember they were cloudy and looked older than they should (I'm 31). I asked my doctor about the quality of these eggs. She said she won't know for 2 weeks when she gets the full report, but that the embryologist told her based on the goo the eggs were surrounded by at retrivels (goo being the scientific term) the eggs looked great and healthy.

So to recap....embabies doing well. Way better than last time. Egg quality good no more talk of donor eggs. Sperm quality great. Transfer on Friday. And even if this isn't my cycle I have so much more hope for future ones! (but this will be my cycle!)

Update: IVF #2 Day after Egg Retrivel

2010-03-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of IVF #2. I've been reading a ton of IVF blogs and I know what a help they are while you're in limbo so I figured I should continue this one in hopes of giving insight/comfort/knowledge/your not alone feelings to others like me.

It's been a while since IVF #1. How long you ask? Well I just dipped my toe back in the infertility chat sites I used to frequent and I noticed the woman who had her retrivel the same day as mine's daughter is due NEXT WEEK.

A long time right? When I first saw that it took my breath away a little.

What else has happened in that time? Well friend who announced her pregnancy to me shortly after failed IVF just gave birth.

Two of the men at work have announced their wives are pregnant -- both first month trying.

Okay, on with the good. Cause there is good. (and this is just fertility wise cause not fertility wise my life is TONS of good....but who cares about new furniture or a trip to hawaii if they're reading this blog?)

Yesterday was my second Egg Retrivel. This cycle was a different protocol than the last. No Lupron. No Follistim. From BCP I went right in to 11 days of Gonal f (300-375), menupur (one vial) Lupenex (1 vial) 2 days of Human growth hormone, and toward the end a shot a night that was supposed to supress my ovulation.

Last time 18 follicles 13 eggs
This time 14 follicles 14 eggs! No empties....a good sign!

Last time 13 eggs 7 fertilized (all with ICSI)

This time 14 eggs 13 fertilized! (8 with ICSI 5 au natural!) another good sign!

Looks like we'll have transfer this Friday (day 5). I'm feeling extremely positive about this round. I don't know why...it just feels different. I'm excited. I wasn't this excited last time.

I'll let you know what happens.

When You Wish...

2009-08-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

When we got Grace she was a very scared kitty. In fact it took us about a year before she'd let me pet her. During that year my husband and I would lie on our couch and watch TV. Sometimes Newman joined us. I always talked about the day when our entire family...DH, me, and BOTH cats would all be relaxing on the couch at the same time.

It took a while, but it did happen. And it kept happening. I remember the first time I had that feeling of "this is exactly what I wished for". It was very meaningful to me.

Last night Jeremy and I sat in our backyard watching for meteors. I saw a giant one and a couple of small ones. It was pretty awesome. I told him that someday we'll be waking our kids up and dragging their little butts outside to join us. It will be our "thing". I can't wait.

It might take as long as it took Grace to jump on the couch. It might take a whole lot longer. But it is going to happen and when it does it is going to be that much more special.

You Did It. You Finally Did It.

2009-08-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

I met someone. One of my co-workers has a 10 year old daughter...through IVF.

I'm a sitcom writer. It's a job where hundreds of people fight for dozens of jobs. The hours are long. You work weekend. You don't take time off. Not a good place for a pregnant woman.

I'm not pregnant. But I don't want to announce to the writing gods that I am working hard to get pregnant. So for the past two years I have kept this HUGE part of my life a secret.

It's still a secret except for one person. That co-worker. I told her. She stopped her plans and took me to lunch. We talked for an hour. SHE UNDERSTANDS.

She was my age when she started. Her first IVF failed, too. She has been to the mountain top.

I cannot tell you have life-changing this is. I have never met one of us. I've heard their were others. I've read their blogs. But there is something about seeing one face to face. She knows exactly what I'm going through. She has advice. She has warnings. She has comfort.

I am on the Planet of the Fertiles. I woke up in a world where what is the "norm" is not my norm. Where I don't belong. But fortunately I found one more of my species.

Tick Tock TIck Tock

2009-08-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

I love my husband's best man's wife.

She's funny and creative. A great "mate" at all those functions where I'm surrounded by people our husbands went to college with and I could care less about.

Before they were married a year they got pregnant with their son. Who is unbelievably cute. He's three now.

It was inevitable they were going to go for number two.

She told me they were going to start in May. They are 12 weeks pregnant. You do the math.

At my FIL's funeral they must have known, but she didn't tell me. I'm sure she had her reasons. Maybe they weren't telling anyone yet. Maybe it was the fact that my IVF just failed and we were mourning the loss of a father AND a child. The point is she said nothing.

I respect her for that.

When she sent me the email saying she was pregnant, it was caring and sensitive.

I respect that too.

Though I am happy for her, I broke out into "sad for me" tears. But I sent her an email full of the good. None of the bad feelings.

Perhaps I should have added some of the bad. Because this paragraphed was included in her response....

Thanks for being happy for us, I knew you would be, but it's okay to
wish me another week or two of morning (afternoon/evening) sickness.
;)

WTF?!  Like the last two years of my life....the suffering, the tears, the shots, the surgery, the hormones, the blood draws, the MONEY...did I mention the tears?  Is equal to another week (or two) of morning sickness.  Morning sickness I would give my right arm (or stab myself repeatedly in the stomach) for.

This is not a bad person.  This is just a person that has NO IDEA what our side is like.  She didn't mean to be insensitive.  I wish her no ill will.  I am still happy(ish) for her.  But Dang.  If this is one of my friends who know about our IF what are the ones that don't going to say?

Do you know what's crazy?  I wonder if I would be in such a rush to get pregnant if there weren't all of these timebombs surrounding me.  A lot of that feeling of rush is because I want to prevent this pain from happening again and again.

Don't get me wrong...I want a child DESPERATELY.  But each BFN isn't just a loss of that child, it's another month that I have to hold my breath whenever a friend calls to "talk".  Another month of avoiding facebook.  You get the drift.

Enough lonelyness - tomorrow I talk about actually talking face to face with someone who has done IVF.  And she's my workmate!

I'm Back

2009-08-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect to be gone so long.

So much has happened in the time since my last post.

I am going to spread out talking about it so I actually get my butt back into the blogging every day gear.

But the first awesome event was the arrival of our "IVF twins"...a.k.a. the two kittens we adopted in immediate response to not getting knocked up after our actual IVF.

So may I present.....Milo

And Lizzie (after getting into our sooty fireplace)....

So for those of you counting that is FOUR cats. I keep feeling like I need to also mention that I have a husband whenever I bring up the fact that I now have FOUR cats. Like that somehow makes it better. FOUR!

Speaking of the other two .... Newman and Grace are not happy. It's only been a month so here's hoping they learn to love the kittens. It's so weird seeing teeny tiny little Liz all brave near big FAT Grace and it's Grace that is scared.

Tomorrow's post - The first pregnancy announcement since my failed IVF or What not to say to an infertile friend when presenting the news of your easy conception.

Did You Ever Notice

2009-07-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

How many other things there are to think about other than IF?

Now that I don't have doctor's appointments, shots, pills, OPKs and HPTs - what I do have is a life....of some sort.

I was on a work hiatus for three months. But I was also going through fertility treatments. Now I'm working full time and I feel like I have so much more free time.

I used to sleep til ten and nap during the day. Now I have to be up by 7am yet I and so much less tired than I was.

Don't get me wrong...I still think about IF most of the day. But it used to be all of the day. So that is progress.

I'm curious what our next step will be and when. But not so curious I'm planning it out yet.

This weekend I'm going to sleep in, drink, swim, maybe take a nice hot bath....spend every second with my DH.

That's not a bad place to be.

Maybe next weekend I won't feel as positive. But that is next weekend's problem.

WTF

2009-07-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

a.k.a "What? They're Forty?"

Yup I have the eggs of a forty year old according to my RE. They had darker centers. There were a lot of empty follicles. They died before they made it to blasts. These are things commonly found in older women.

Sweet.

Oh, yeah...DH's sperm had lots of white blood cells we hadn't seen before.

Sweeter.

As I was hearing this, basically being told this is even more of an uphill battle than we previously thought...it hit me that I was in the exact same office, the exact same chair, looking out the exact same window that I was when we first heard we probably needed IVF.

I cried both times. But now I cried as an IVF veteran. One of "those women". The failures.

Needless to say I stress ate like a mo-fo last night.

We have a plan. DH will get more tests. I will get more tests. When we do IVF again it will be without Lupron....maybe it's the lupron making my eggs so shitty.

I also learned some interesting things. Of the 12 mature eggs we had 8(!) matured in the lab. Perhaps we triggered too early?

I was told there were 7 fertilized. Well another 4 fertilized later.

I was told we had 5 eggs on day 3. We actually had more.

Everything looked great, the stims, the follicle growth, the E2 levels, the retrival. There was no way to know how f-ed up we are.

I also learned my early bleeding could have been a VERY early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy. And that the blast they transferred was a Grade C.

I'm glad it was a Grade C. It takes a way a little of the guilt I have that if I didn't rush off to a plane...if I didn't pick up their dog....if I wasn't so stressed....maybe that egg would have stuck around. But there is still some guilt there.

I know this will eventually work. But it is going to take a long time and a lot of money.

I don't know how much of either I can spend. It isn't limitless.

I need a break. Fortunately we are in one.

De Nile

2009-07-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm pretending I'm not IF or what....

I deleted a lot of "baby shows" off my Tivo. You probably have them too.... In the Womb, Dummies Guide to Pregnancy.....Deliver Me..... you get the drift.

I didn't call my RE right away to make a WTF appointment. Could have gone today. Am waiting til Monday. Just don't want to deal with it.

I found myself terrified of the TTTC board. I was obsessed with this board on the Nest. I mean EVERY DAY I would read EVERY post. But a lot of those girls were going through IVF with me and I didn't think I could handle BFPs after BFPs.

Today I snuck a peek. I thought all the BFPs would hurt. Instead they were mostly BFNs. And though I felt empathy for those going through what I did.... there was a sick little part of me that felt relieved to not be alone. To not be the only broken one.

There is one exception. There is a very nice girl on the boards who said this IVF was her last chance. Her BFN was almost as painful as my own. To see her vocalizing that this is it. The end. She will never have kids.... I cannot even imagine what that must be like.

It's weird. There is half of me that knows we'll keep going til we have kids. 5 more IVFs? Fine. Donor eggs/sperm? Okay. We'll do it. BRing it on.

Then there is the other half that can't even conceive of an end game. I don't think of a BFP. I can't even imagine it. Honestly. When I do it is as foreign and unobtainable as imagining making out with Bradley Cooper. It's be cool, but it's not happening.

All the money, time, pain - it's not for a baby. It's just cause that's who we are. I brush my teeth. I pay my mortgage. I shoot myself in the stomach. That's me.

I'm Back

2009-06-30T20:50:00.000-07:00

And life is....

Not bad. I'd actually say it's good.

My first two days of work have been so amazing. It's so different from the last show I was on. Instead of stress hives I break out in smiles (Holy crap that was cheesy...I'm tired...I haven't written an entry in a while...I'm rusty....back off!)

On my last show, the day I found out my FIL had cancer we were shooting an episode my partner and I wrote. She was on set. I was in the writers' room. My husband called up crying because he found out his dad had a short time to live. I rushed home. My boss dragged my writing partner off set to fill my place. When she protested (there were a DOZEN other writers in the room and NO ONE else on set) he made some snide remark like, "Why? Are you so Brilliant they can't do without you?".

Cut to my new job. I take the ENTIRE first week off because of the funeral. Instead of guilt trips and bitchy comments the new show sends me flowers saying "We're thinking of you. From you new Family at NAMEOFSHOW". These people are amazing. This is life changing.

I didn't realize how my last job was until I got into a normal, healthy, HAPPY situation.

I drive home now to gorgeous weather, in my gorgeous town, to my gorgeous house (that's it above....GORGEOUS right??) and the greatest husband ever. I got to sleep with my cats curled around me. I wake up excited to go to work.

Yes. I wish this IVF worked. Yes. I wish my FIL didn't have to die at 62. Yes. Those are two unbelievably horrible things to have to deal with.

And still I would classify myself as lucky. I am so lucky. Life is good. And after a short break we'll jump right back in to the wonderful world of IVF.

Ouch

2009-06-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

This isn't spotting. This is AF.

WTF?! 3dp5dt? Faithfully doing PIO. Why is she here? She couldn't have given me hope for a few more days? At least past the funeral.

I was wrong. This still hurts. Badly.

I'll call my RE tomorrow.

3dp5dt

2009-06-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Already started spotting.

It's over.

I know IVF BFNs are supposed to be the worst. Helping to plan your FIL's funeral helps numb that pain.

Don't get me wrong. Still sucks. Will suck more at the funeral when we meet ILs best friends' new grandkid and realize I couldn't give my FIL that.

Funny story....the funeral director started talking about his pregnant wife and how they are going to call the baby Jack. Good for you.

I know this is a HUGE downer post, but DH and I were talking and we realized how with all the shit thrown at us we are somehow so much closer. I love my husband very much.

Bad Day

2009-06-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

My FIL died today. Father's Day.

After an all to brief battle with cancer. Diagnosised in Decemeber. 6 months from the healthest 62 year old I've ever known to a shadow of his former self.

He died at home. His wife, son and daughter were by his side. He had a couple of bad hours, but the end was peaceful.

Yesterday he had taken a turn for the worst. Only one day that he couldn't get out of bed. Felt pain. Was incoherent. I feel like the worst part of cancer is the suffering at the end. The loss of dignity. Thankfully this was also brief.

I'm sure the rush to the airport, the luggage, the stress is not great for em-baby. Honestly at this point...who cares?

My mom seems to think this embryo will stick. It will be a boy. We'll name it Jack after my FIL.

If this was a movie that's how it would happen.

I have been reminded over and over the past six months that our life is not a movie.

And Then There Was

2009-06-19T13:55:00.000-07:00

One survived. One Early Blast Transfered.

He's a cute little blast. And he was placed in a perfect location in my uterus where if we are VERY lucky, he'll stay for a while.

Yes, there was disappointment. Yes there were tears. But my doctor and the ladies at the clinic were awesome. My doctor even had me, her and my DH hold hands so she could say a blessing when it was all said and done.

There is still a chance. This guy is clearly the best of the (dead) bunch.

New problem....All along we were worried about MFI. Now because the eggs made it a decent distance before dying it looks like I have shitty eggs too.

If this doesn't work....and I'm not saying it won't, but I am saying it's a long shot, our up hill road just got a lot more steep.

Beta next Monday. I'm going to try to avoid googling "bfp with one early blast" and just sleep and eat like a big fat tick all weekend.

Short and Sweet

2009-06-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

ET is tomorrow.

I'm nervous, but a little positive.

I bought my first "baby" thing today at our local Supermarket. It's a kids' book called "Cat" (see above). When I showed my husband he said we can either read it to our child if this works or use it to pick out what kind of kitten we're going to get if it doesn't work.

Huge win/little win.

The PIO shots have been pretty painless, but they are just starting to take their toll. My butt is feeling a little achy. I'm also unbelievably tired which is probably good cause I'll go to sleep early and wake up early for the transfer. (Not too early...sytycd results show is tonight). Have to leave my house by 5:30 AM (eek!) so I can get acupuncture done at the clinic before and after the transfer. Whipping out the big guns I am.

My parents are here because they are awesome. My DH is leaving right from ET to the airport to visit his dad. So since I'm stuck in bed my parents very happily drove the 7 hours to come stay with me and cater to my every whim.

I am very lucky. I know this. Whether this works or not, I am VERY lucky.

Okay so maybe this wasn't that short...

Too Good To Be True

2009-06-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I should have known I wouldn't be super hopeful for too long.

Don't worry we still have some live embies. 5 or 6 to be exact. But perfect embies at this stage (day 3) should be 8 cell. Some advanced little buggers get to 10! Well mine. Not so much. 2 at 7 cells. 1 at 6 and 3 at 5 cells.

I'm already convinced this cycle has failed and I haven't even had my transfer yet (which will be Friday day 5).

I know, I know...7 cells aren't that bad....they can still turn into awesome blasts.....etc. etc. etc.

Sure they could. But today google is not my friend. And when you search around for women who had BFPs with 3dt all you see is "transferred 2 beautiful 8cell embryos." They are always beautiful and they are always 8 cell. I have desperately tried to find people talking about sub-par embies at 3dpr that turn in to rockstars by day 5. I found one story. I freaking hate google.

I know the best thing to do is not worry about it. They are still alive. That is the important part. And a lot can happen by Friday. I should just go to ET with my hopes up and expect to hear the words "perfect blasts".

I just don't feel that optimistic right now.

If (and more likely when) this doesn't work, we are going to take a long break. Maybe 6 months. We have a dying FIL, my new job and depleted finances to worry about for now. I think that is the thing that worries me the most. That long 6 month void. 6 more months I lose out on with my kids.

*********EDITED LATER**********

I just looked at my cell phone. The last text I sent to my husband was "5 Left!!!" I was so excited when I first heard the news. I had been having dreams all night that we had three still alive. Why did that excitement last mere minutes?

This can still work. Even if I heard you have 7 8cells I would have found something to worry about.

This ends now. As of this moment I am going to be positive about this!....well for a few more minutes anyway.

Lucky Number 7?

2009-06-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

13 eggs

12 matured

7 fertilized - all with ICSI.

I don't know how I feel.

Before I got the call today I told myself I'd love ten but I'd be happy with 5. That was a load of poopie. Cause I'm not happy with 7. Shouldn't I be? It's not a terrible number. Half of those suckers could die and I'd still have more than enough to transfer.

But I had these dreams, since we're MFI, that I'd have tons of eggs and we freeze a litter and whenever I wanted a new baby we'd just go to the fridge and pick one out. Not gonna happen.

Now what if that was 8 matured eggs and 7 fertilized? Would I be happier? Yes. Absolutely. Cause the fact that only a little over half fertilized (58.33%) is what has me worried. Is there something wrong with my eggs? Something more wrong with my husband's sperm? Something wrong with my RE?

How many times have I cheered girls on who have had less embryos than this? Told them they had great reports. Great chances. And TRULY meant it?

Why can't I see this and think, "SEVEN! Woot!" instead of "Seven? Wah!"

(great I'm so upset I'm writing like freaking carrie bradshaw...)

Lucky Number 13

2009-06-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

That's how many eggs we got. There were a handful of empty follicles, but who cares? 13 is okay by me. They will all get the ICSI treatment and we find out tomorrow how many fertilized. 13 was my husband's number when he played baseball. His other number was 10. Wouldn't 10 be a lovely number of Embryos? I think so too.

I freaked out a tiny bit when they were putting the IV in, but the nurses I had were super awesome and it was pretty painless. Than the anesthesiologist came in and gave me something to "make me more comfortable." It made me feel like I was gassed at the dentist office. I remember being wheeled away and then nothing.

When I woke up I wasn't sure if it was over or hadn't started yet. But it was all done. My lovely RE was there kind of stroking my hair telling me it was all good and there were 13 eggs.

I'm in bed and my husband is already out doing my bidding (lunch, extra strenght tylenol, pineapple and pomegranite juice...and maybe some chocolate cookies that I won't admit to)

The craziest thing was seeing all those other women at the clinic who were there for IVF. They see around 10 a day. Just in that one clinic. IF makes me feel so alone, but there are so many of us. It is crazy.

Another thing that made me feel kind of alone is that I got very few "good luck" calls last night. My Suzies (there are two). My parents. That's it. No inlaws. No BFF. That last one really stung.

I guess I have to remember that thought this is by far the most important thing in my life it isn't so important in everyone else's.

But that's cool cause I got 13!

VICTORY!

2009-06-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

First let me thank you all for your support.

I iced my butt for like a half hour and then laid face down on my bed. My husband sat next to me as "1985" played on my ITunes. He grabbed a hunk of butt (he had plenty to choose from) and waited. And waited. And waited. I was Soooo nervous.

Then he said, "There was no blood."

Excuse me? He wasn't waiting. He was ALREADY FINISHED!!!!!

All I felt was the tip of the needle kind of tap my butt. It felt like when I'm scouting the right place to put the Lupron or stims and I just graze my skin with the needle. So I thought he was still trying to figure out the perfect spot. But nope one and a half inches of metal was in my butt and I didn't know it.

I know for those of you that haven't done this yet, there is nothing I can say to take away the fear. I read all those women talking about how easy it was....I just wouldn't believe it til I was stuck myself.

But please believe me it is easy peasy one two threesy.

You CAN do this.

Eek....

2009-06-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

One Hour and Forty Three Minutes until I get my trigger shot. My first IM shot. I am so scared. I googled "HCG Trigger Shot Hurt?" Four out of five say no. That fifth one though...it's all I can think about.

What am I really scared of? Even if it hurts it will only take a second. I'm scared of the moments leading up to the shot. Man I want this over. But there is still One Hour and Forty One Minutes left.

It's a Go

2009-06-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day.

This was the last monitoring appointment before my ER, now officially scheduled for Sunday morning.

My RE counted 9 big follicles on each side. Let us hope they grow grow grow. And the little ones too...please catch up.

I am at a point where I feel like I have to pee all the time. I am bloated (I know this will only get worse) and always tired. This is just a list not a bunch of complaints. I love each of these symptoms cause it means things are working. I appreciate every pee. Every tug. I appreciate my dirty dirty house cause I don't have the energy to clean it. Yes. This is uncomfortable, but it is far from the worse thing I've experienced or will experience during this journey.

I trigger tomorrow night. I am scared of that needle. Anyone out there who has done an IM needle PLEASE give me any advice. Tell me it's going to be okay.

Hey, Want to See Something Cool?

2009-06-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

Those are some of my follicles.

Not bad huh? My RE visit went well today (a trend?). Lefty has tons of follicles. 6 of them between 14mm and 16mm. And in a crazy shakeup Righty must have been pissed that I talk badly about him (I don't know why an ovary is a him, but he is) and decided to kick it in to high gear. That is correct. Righty has surpassed Lefty in large follicles with a whopping 8 between 14mm and 16mm. It turns out ovary rivalry is a good thing.

The blood draw was a little dramatic. I have one "good" vein. If blood doesn't come out of that one we are pretty screwed. Well that poor little vein is covered in holes. My nurse said she could feel the scar tissue. But we needed to get blood today damn it! So Vein was asked to go back to work. 2 nurses, a little digging and two needles later we got just enough blood to test. And we fought for that blood. I even had to pump on one of those little foam balls the whole time because each pump brought another tiny drop into the vial.

This above paragraph is something I could never have read let alone written before all of this stuff. I have locked myself in a doctor's bathroom so he couldn't draw my blood. Now I laugh at the face of needles. Ha Ha! (okay...they are still super scary so maybe it is more of a giggle).

ER now looks like either Saturday or Sunday. But I'm still hoping for Monday.

It Came!

2009-06-09T13:13:00.000-07:00

UPS just dropped off a little brown box. Sent all the way from North Carolina. Looking at it you'd never guess what magic is inside. But once you open it you already get a feeling this one is special.

For one thing it is cold.

Why is it cold? Cause it holds my new Follistim! Donated by Annie who gave me so much more than medicine.

It is not easy to ship medicine COLD across country. When she offered to do it I tried to give her as many outs as I could. I didn't want her to have to stress about a favor. I even mentioned I bet I could find someone near her that would like the meds who would drive to her and pick it up. But she wouldn't hear of it. She said this Follistim was mine.

She went out of her way to get it to me right when I needed it.

I still remember the day she offered. It was the day before I found out we could start cycling for IVF. Annie's kind gesture has changed my luck for the better. Since that day I have had nothing but good news.

Even if this cycle doesn't work...I feel so much more hopeful. I finally feel like things are on my side.

That is what Annie gave me.

Thank you Annie.

Today's RE Visit

2009-06-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

My mom came with me to the RE. I was kind of prepared for the IVF cycle to get canceled. As I was in the stirrups waiting for my doctor I started to tear up. I knew they was going to be one giant follicle. We'd do another IUI and we all know how well those work.

So the dildo cam enters and there is my lining. 3 layers . 7.1mm. So far so good. Then it's Lefty's turn. There are at least 8 follicles between 10mm and 12mm. Perfect. Next Righty...the troublesome ovary. No trouble today. At least 5 or 6 follicles. Once again between 10mm and 12mm.

My doctor even said it's exactly what she wants to see. It looks like ER will either be Sunday or Monday. Holy Crap! This is gonna happen!

And another HUGE thank you to Annie who is sending me Follistim. It should arrive tomorrow - exactly when I need it.

Life is great. Things are happening as they should. It's all so perfect it's almost scary. But instead of scary it's really exciting. There is a chance this is it. I'm going to let myself believe that for a while.

Lets Talk Side Effects

2009-06-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

So Menopur isn't awesome. There is the burn and I'm getting headaches.

But then there is the more interesting side effect. My brain has turned NC-17. And my dreams...hum a na hum a na.

The crazy thing is who my subconscious has deemed dream worthy. First there was this guy...

The one on the left I mean. It's Evan crazy last name from this season of So You Think You Can Dance.

Next we have a more acceptable option. From last night...

Jonathan from Make Me A Super Model. Nice job subconscious!

Tonight? Who knows.... Though I did see the preview from that new Dillinger Movie and was pleasantly surprised Christian Bale was in it. But which Christian Bale will it be?

My crush from 15 years ago aka Newsies Christian Bale....

Yes. That is "McDreamy".

Or the Christian Bale of my slightly later teen years...aka...Laurie in Little Women....

But then there was my Swing Kids Christian Bale thing....

To give me some credit he wasn't a Hitler Youth for the whole movie....

Or a more modern day Bale...

Jesus Menopur...what are you doing to me?!

I can't be alone in this. Who did you dream about while stimming?

Keep On Trucking

2009-06-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

Friday's RE appointment went... surprisingly well. I think I need to stop being surprised when things turn out okay.

My levels are all good and the blood draw happened on the first poke. We saw about 14 or so follicles all pretty small but still there. She even did a mock transfer and the little tube went in without a problem. This from a girl who has destroyed many a catheter during IUI attempts. That's right. My cervix could crush walnuts.

But before we get too excited there was this conversation -

Me: "This might actually happen."

RE: "Don't get your hopes too far up. You know your body is predictably unpredictable."

I will know Monday if I have to pay for this IVF cycle. I think the fact that we haven't had to fork over the money is a good indication of how this cycle is hanging on by a thread.

But we are still hanging on. That's the important part.

Jeremy went back East on Thursday so rather than spend another weekend alone (sorry cats), I drove to my parents' house in AZ. I'm there now. It's nice to be around them. I had to pack all my meds in a cooler for the drive. My mother takes insulin so we do our shots together. Mine are waaay more impressive...come on ONE shot? If you can even call that a shot...

Today we went to a local casino. With my family, if there are more than two of us together for any substantial period of time (let's say a day) there is usually a casino involved. I had my meds in the car (once again the trusty cooler) and I was going to stick myself in the parking lot. I just couldn't. Even after washing my hands and swabbing the sites..it felt so dirty. So I waited til I got home. A few hours late, but done none the less. All went well even if in my post-casino daze i did stick myself with the Follistim before dialing the dose. So four pokes instead of three, but who's counting?

Hope

2009-06-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I have hope.

It appears my luck has started to change. I'm a little scared to talk about it for fear tomorrow's RE appointment will snap me back to reality. But there is a bigger part of me that really feels like this is going to happen.

First my good RE appointment yesterday giving me the okay for IVF.

Then a wonderful person is sending me Follistim that should be here about the time I'll need it for the end of this cycle. THANK YOU.

My new job was supposed to start June 15th which means I'd have to take quite a few days off for ET. Now it got delayed to June 18th. Still might have to take a day off. But that's easy to explain away (I think I'm already feeling a little food poisoning... don't I look a little pale?).

My father in law got to have chemo yesterday. He hasn't been able to for a few weeks. This means his health is actually starting to improve.

Unbelievable! Life is sooo good right now. I am almost ready to assume this IVF will work and let myself enjoy this cycle. Because you know what? It totally could work. And if not now, the next one or the next one. But here's hoping it is this one.

Guess What I Just Did?

2009-06-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

Oh...nothing...just started stimming for an IVF!

That's right! My body worked! My lining was thin. My ovaries were cyst free. My E2, FSH and all those other letters in my blood were low and good to go!

This is what I wanted. But when my RE told me this morning I got scared. Last IVF attempt I had a long time to prepare for it. First I had a cyst that needed to go away. That was a month and a half of BCP. Then I had to wait for AF. CD3 showed I still had a lot of lining (which was INSANE cause we all know what CD2 and CD3 are like). Then I finally got ready to stim and my bloodwork came back with high estrogen levels. IVF Canceled.

Well, this time I had no time to mentally prepare. I honestly didn't think I'd get to do this. I still might not. Anything can go wrong. But so far....and this is weird to say....things are going right.

I'll be doing a flare protocol which means I find out I'm doing IVF today and my ER is probably going to be around June 13. TEN DAYS from now. You can see why I'm kinda freaking out.

I'm on 3 shots a night. 10 IUI of Lupron - easy. I'm an old Lupron pro.

300 IUI of Follistim - Whatever. Did it before. No problem.

1 vial of Menopur - Okay...now we have a new one. And a quick google showed over and over again the words "Menopur burn". I was not looking foward to this one. YES there is a burn. But if you're reading this and haven't done it yet...don't be worried. It's not bad. I don't WANT Menopur burn, but I can do it.

Isn't that the IF mantra? I don't want it, but I can do it. The shots. The bloodwork. The ultrasounds. It ain't easy. But we can do it.

Yes I'm scared of the IVF unknown. But I CAN do it.

Unlucky

2009-06-02T16:48:00.001-07:00

Today on one of the message boards I frequent someone offered up some free follistim. I jumped at the chance and was SOOO excited to get the email saying she was sending it my way. I immediately called my husband and told him. I was giddy.

Five minutes later I get a follow-up email. She made a mistake. Someone emailed her before me. What did I want her to do?

What am I going to say? Screw that girl I WANT IT? (Cause I did want it). Instead I said if she was first she deserves it.

Here's the kicker... I started crying. WTF? Yeah, I'm in the middle of AF so that would explain a little of that, but seriously? Crying?

Then I realized why. "Winning" that follistim felt like the first good luck of my entire IF journey. Every cycle delayed cause of a cyst. Every BFN. Every cancelled IVF...I almost always get the bad news. Here I was finally on the right side. For once.

And it was taken away.

I think there is very little chance that the kind soul donating the follistim reads this blog. She's been pregnant longer than I've been writing it. But on the off chance you are.... PLEASE don't feel bad about this. You are doing a really nice thing. This is my issue not yours.

In AF news...cause what's a Tuesday without talking about my menses? It is fast and furious. And man oh man the cramps....ouch. Tomorrow I have my RE appointment and we'll learn what my immediate fate is.

Of course I'm expecting bad luck..... that's the point of this post right?

*************************************************************

I just checked my email and found this from my husband re: the follistim

"We’re very fortunate overall, and I love you very much. Don’t forget that"

I guess it's not all bad luck....

A Couple Quick Things

2009-06-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

1. I got to spend a weekend with my husband stress free. How nice was that? The above picture is what I woke up to on Sunday Morning. They were both asleep til my camera woke up Grace. Next weekend he is going back East to be with his dad.

2. Period is kind of starting. I'm not sure my lining will be thin enough to get an IVF in before work. But I've got a day 3 (ish) appointment on Wednesday. We'll see.

3. I'm not sure how I feel that said IVF may not happen right away. A break would be nice. A child would be nicer. IVF doesn't mean I get a child though.

4. I use google reader and when I went to see who has updated their blogs there were 8. Each of them newly pregnant or more than newly pregnant. How depressing to be left behind.

That is all.

Pick Yourself Up - Dust Yourself Off - And Start All Over Again

2009-05-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

The post title is a song Fred Astaire sang in the movie Swing Time. I've always liked the song. Now I love it. The woman he's dancing with up there is Ginger Rogers who if you're not an old movie fan and haven't seen many of her movies she's gorgeous and spunky and funny and way more than his dance partner. But I digress....

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do to a person. I don't feel happy. But I feel better.

This is also the first weekend my husband and I have had together in a while. So that make everything better.

I think we are going to do whatever my body tells us to do. If I get AF in time, have no cysts, have good hormone levels and my lining thins enough we'll jump right in to the IVF. Those are a lot of ifs and as my previous attempt at IVF will show my body's not great at doing what I want. So we'll see.

Today I'm drinking alcohol (raspberry lambic). I'm drinking caffeine (pepsi throwback...I'm a coke girl, but a sucka for real sugar). I had carnal relations with my husband. I think I'm going to take a hot bath. So screw you IF. Today I'm just a normal girl.

Well, almost normal. Something I wasn't expecting was how PAINFUL my pre-AF cramps were going to be. I guess stimming and progesterone and all the other shit I did to myself is taking it's vengeance.

When I'm not crumpled over in extreme pain I'm am cheering my uterus on. Come on ute! Let's start AF! We've got an IVF in our near future!

Negative

2009-05-29T16:41:00.000-07:00

Big Fracking Surprise. So why do I still feel so bad.

Maybe you readers (the two of you) would have an opinion on this. I will be starting a new job on June 15th. My RE seems to think if all goes well I could start stimming CD3 and that means if all works perfectly (and really when does it ever?) I could have ER on June 13th. That means no showing up late for a new job. No missing work for Retriv. It would mean going in to a new job saying "hey, i scheduled a procedure before I got this job. I will be taking two days off (for transfer...they don't need to know why).

If I don't do this I have NO idea when I'll have another chance at IVF. I guess next hiatus which is in roughly 9 months.

Here is the reason to not do it. My DH's cousin's wedding is the weekend of the 13th. It's cross country. It is also another chance my DH can see his dying father. He could go and freeze his goods but how sad will ER be without him? I can't make him stay with me. But boy I wish he would.

I guess our other option is we take a break. I thought I could handle that, but just talking to my RE I'm feel like "What's next? Let's go go go!" But seriously. This isn't fair to my husband. He is dealing with a DYING FATHER. He doesn't need more shit on his plate. I think I'm being selfish. What's a few months off? A few pressureless months where I get used to work and he doesn't have to choose between the people he loves.

Fuck.

Beta Tomorrow

2009-05-28T22:13:00.001-07:00

No hope really. I cried a little today. Just a quick mourning for this cycle. But IF is a cruel bitch and she doesn't just let it go at that.

I went to my acupuncturist today. She started taking the needles out and each and every one bled. (don't worry no pain) This is weird. I usually at most have one tiny drop of blood come out after the needle that goes between my eyes. That is usually it. Today not only did ALL of them bleed, but one on my tummy formed a welt and another one on my tummy formed a bruise. Oh! And one on my ear bled for a few minutes.

So because I like to torture myself I start thinking "Hey...don't you make more blood when you're pregnant? Women get nosebleeds and have bleeding gums...maybe that's it..."

That's not it. It's just a little bit of hope that crept back in after I had ALREADY mourned my loss. So now tomorrow when I get my negative beta though I KNOW I'm not pregnant I'm going to have to mourn again.

My FIL took another down turn. They are thinking he won't last through June. I know it's not my fault logically, but deep down I can't stop blaming myself that he will never know he was even going to have grandkids. I know technically we're MFI, but if I wasn't so obese. If I ate better. If I got off my fat ass and went to the gym more often each of these treatments would have a better chance at working.

After tomorrow's beta I am going out to dinner to celebrate my new job. I am going to drink to mourn my loss. Then I'm going to get up on Saturday and hit the gym so I don't hate myself so much.

Hate is a harsh word. It's so weird. Sometimes I think I'm great. Like really awesome. I think I'm funny and witty and smart. Creative and talented. People seem to like me. DH's family tells him how great I am. I think how lucky my husband is.

Then there is the other half of me that thinks I'm lazy and ugly and so morbidly obese I can't imagine why my husband hasn't left me yet. I think about how great he is and how he deserves a pretty wife. And he could get one to. He's quite a catch. I call myself lazy and gross. Why can't I just stop eating/sitting on the couch.

I know, I know. My physical self is such a small part of the whole me (well honestly a huge fat part), but it clouds everything else. I'm such a schizo. When I love myself I LOVE myself. When I hate myself I HATE MY LAZY ASS SELF SOOOO MUCH.

IF has caused the days of hate to dominate. My body is not just gross. It doesn't work. Not only is my inability to stop eating keeping me from cute clothes and higher self esteem, it is keeping me from a CHILD. And my FIL from a grandchild.

Wow. I don't know where any of this came from. I knew this was a down day...didn't realize I was this low.

I will make this long post longer by saying that other than my weight/IF/FIL life is pretty much perfect. As sad as I sound here I am usually pretty happy and optimistic. My house is gorgeous. My Family is amazing. My career is soaring. My friends are fantastic. My Husband. Well, I hit the jackpot.

Tomorrow will be a better day...even with a negative beta.

The Opposite of Pregnant

2009-05-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Today I have never felt less pregnant. I'm not nauseous. I'm not crampy. I'm not tired. In fact I haven't felt this good since before we started seeing our RE and getting medicated.

My Beta is on Friday. I'm sure it will be negative. I **think** I'll be okay with that. Don't get me wrong. I only ovulated about 9 days ago so I'll still be peeing on everything stick shaped for the next few days. I just don't expect to see much.

9 DPIUI

2009-05-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

Once again. These mean nothing. I just want my future self to be aware of what is "normal" for a failed cycle.

Last night was a horrible night. I woke up dozens of times. Sometimes cause of cramps. Sometimes cause of bloat. Sometimes cause of hot flashes. Sometimes cause my back hurt. I just could not get comfortable.

I had a dream I got a BFP. We didn't know if the test was faulty so we ran to the pile of Dollar Store tests I keep next to the toilet. I had used them all! We Panicked. I woke up.

I have had three small bouts of nausea today. I think it's cause of the stress.

I had an acupuncture appointment today. I walked in to the office and asked if she'd put the space heater on cause I was cold. 2 minutes later she was testing my pulse and I had a HUGE hot flash. She could feel the heat radiating off my body. She shut the space heater off. By the time she was done poking me I was cold again and needed the heater back on.

I have cried so many times today. I'm an emotional wreck.

I did POAS today. BFN.

Why am I starting to get my hopes I? Don't I know how bad it will hurt if/ WHEN I'm not pregnant?

On a happier less psychotic note.... I got a job. Woohoo!

Shame on You California

2009-05-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

Can anyone see a difference? Cause I can't.

And one for good messure.

8dpiui

2009-05-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

(someone else who is fishing like me)

No symptoms. I hate this. Not even the ones that progesterone is supposed to bring on. (well I did have a dirty dream which is common with the big P). No sore boobs. No nausea. No tiredness. Only slight cramps. No nothing. I think I'll start POAS tomorrow and lose all hope by Thursday. Thank you 99¢ Store for allowing me the opportunity to be let down over and over again for the next few days.

****************************************************************

I wrote the above sentence this morning. Since then there have been a few things. Now Let me just say up front that I do NOT think these things are signs that I'm pregnant. I know the odds of being KUed right now are low.

I am typing these out so that if and most likely WHEN I get a BFN I will have something next cycle to remind me what I felt like when I wasn't pregnant.

Today I felt flutters in my lower stomach. Kind of like what I imagine it feels like when you feel a baby move for the first time.

I have sharp pains once again in my lower area. These aren't common, but maybe a half dozen times today.

My left nipple is slightly sore.

I have peed 5 times today. This is crazy for me. I've driven cross country 3 different times. I've driven from Mexico to Canada. NO MATTER who I am driving with I am never the one that has to stop and use the rest room. I pee maybe twice a day. 3 times if I'm feeling adventurous. Plus I haven't been drinking much today so that doesn't explain it. Of course now I'm wondering if I really do pee a lot and I just Think I don't.

Don't you love the 2ww?

Memorial Day

2009-05-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

You know how some people feel like they're in the wrong time period? I've always felt like I was born about 60 years too late.

I love movies and music from the 30s and 40s. And I'm fascinated with WW2. Not so much the battles and dates. But the people. Those men who ran towards the fire. The women who rationed, riveted, and remembered their loved ones. This went on for years. The fear. The suffering. The death. And they just kept on fighting.

What's crazy is that at 31 I'm a good 10 years older than most of those men and women. Could I do what they do? Could any of us? I hope so. I think so. Every time this country has had to step up and fight it has done so. Americans may not be perfect. But I'm proud of them. America may not be perfect, but I am thankful for those that fought so we could have it.

Whatever I feel about this fight we're in now, I truly respect those that are fighting it. And I hope they come home safely.

The Kittens are Coming!

2009-05-24T17:20:00.001-07:00

This has been a pretty sad weekend. My DH is in PA visiting his father. Things are getting worse and it's just a matter of how many months til he is no longer with us.

This dwarfs my problems I know.

But it is hard not to feel lonely without DH around. I've spent the past few days on the computer-watching tv- eating- and sleeping. Oh right also taking a big pile of pills and suppositories. Fun.

The cats were out of food so I took a trip to PetSmart where they were having cat adoptions. I always torture myself by looking at the cats and imagining all the ones that aren't lucky enough to be fostered or adopted. So I started talking to the lady running the adoptions and....

We going to foster a litter of kittens!!!!

How does this not make everything sooooo much better?

The last time we had bad news about FIL we bought a tie for Newman to wear. Cute cats make everything better.

Okay...now for "symptoms" aka why do I torture myself?

This morning I was constipated. Aren't you glad you know that?

I had bad stabbing pains in my lower parts last night. Could it be the suppository I had just thrust up in there?

My back hurt a lot last night. Oh wait, I often have back pain.

Vivid dreams....like I always have.

Actually the dream was kind of funny. I often have night terrors. I've had them since I was little (best moment...at a sleepover I was the first one asleep "woke up" and swore all my friends were dressed in civil war uniforms.) so I've learned that if I think I'm covered in spiders or if looks like there is a giant in the corner....I should just go back to sleep.

But last night I "woke up" and there was this shiny little embryo looking ball that was flying towards me. Now instead of going back to sleep, I panicked, brushed it away and ran in to the bathroom before I had my moment of clarity. "Oh, yeah. I'm probably dreaming."

I returned to my bed and the two grumpy cats whose beauty sleep I had disturbed.

6dpiui

2009-05-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm doing the same stupid shit I always do. I'm looking at twoweekwait.com. I'm googling 6dpiui. I had to pee at 5am this morning clearly that's a sign and not just a symptom of the giant amount of liquids I've been consuming.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why do I do this to myself EVERY. FREAKING. CYCLE?

You think I'd know better by now. Why can't the next week go by as fast as the last week? Why can't I go about my life and then BAM either Beta or AF. Then I could move on to the next cycle.

The chances of me being pregnant are this slim. Please Please Please don't get your hopes up. Just get through this week and we'll celebrate with a Mountain Dew and a Hard Cider (not at the same time). Cool?

5dpiui

2009-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Still exhausted. Still a little pulling. Some sharp pains that are somewhere between my stomach and my uterus. Just typing that word reminds me of Homer telling Marge "It's uterUS not uterYOU". Ahhh good times.

I know it's still too early for symptoms. But my hopes are rising just a teeny tiny bit. I keep thinking this is the absolute best chance we've ever had to get pregnant.

And my odds are still only about 15%.

If this doesn't work there will be more.

That's how we do it here. When there is even an inkling of hope I have to knock it down and protect myself.

4dpiu....zzzzzz

2009-05-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's the drugs, the cats that think the slightest movement in my sleep means I want to play or the fact that this is staffing season and I'm waiting to find out if I have work next season (It's looking really good) but Dang it all I am TIRED.

I'm going to assume it's the drugs.

So this is day two of estrace and progesterone and I'm patiently waiting for sore boobies. I have never had sore boobies and I kind of want them...for no other reason than so I can say "oh, that's what it feels like."

Probably TMI but I took my second pill vaginally last night. I had my husband do it. This is our conversation.

Me: Was it okay? Were you cool doing it?

Him: It was fine. Not sexual at all. It was just to get the job done.

And if that isn't the perfect infertility conversation I don't know what is.

3dpiui

2009-05-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

I know it is way to early to feel any pregnancy symptoms (especially since the odds of me actually being pregnant are slim), but for the next cycle (and the next...and the next...) I just want to point out how I feel.

I have had weird pulling in my nether regions. Not cramps....more like a fullness with a little bit of pain. Kinda like after you eat way to much and your stomach feels like it's going to burst.

My left ovary has been letting me know it exists. Lots of sharp pains.

I feel pretty bloated. This is a new one. I couldn't suck in my stomach this afternoon which was not good for the shirt I was wearing.

Tonight I started estrace and progesterone. I'm taking each twice a day. The progesterone can be taking orally or vaginally. I figured I'd swallow my first one. Now, as my RE warned, I am so tired I could pass out. I expect my symptoms to increase now that I'm on the drugs. I just have to keep on reminding myself it's the drugs. I'm probably not pregnant. But I could be....

Cats! Cats! Cats!

2009-05-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

(My cats as stuffed animals)

I don't want to talk about IF today. Today I want to talk about my cats.

First we have Newman....

We think Newman is eleven and I've had him for about six years. I've had my husband for about 4 and a half. Therefore Newman is top cat. And is there any wonder?

He's artsy...

He's a snazzy dresser...

He's flexible...

And just plain chill...

Next we have Grace. Grace has been part of our family for about four years. There are two things that stand out about her. One - she is very sweet. Two - she is very fat. Check it out...

Sweet...

Fat...

Sweet...

Fat...

Grace has the size advantage and she always wants to cuddle with Newman (from here on out referred to as Shrooms, Pooman or just plain Poo) but it usually means Poo just gets kicked out of where ever he was hanging. Here is an example.

First Shrooms wants to drink out of the sink...

But then Gracie sees him and wants in on the sink action. Goodbye Poo.

But sometimes Pooman puts up with it....

And it's happy every after...

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2009-05-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

(fakey-fake-fake)

A (fake) positive pregnancy test!

Brought to you by the good folks at Orvidrel trigger shots.

Looking at this (fake) positive pregnancy test I wondered how I'd feel if it was a real one. I have no idea. It's like that part of my brain doesn't work. IF is all about getting pregnant. That is the goal. My eye is on that prize.

My thoughts don't drift to what pregnancy actually means. I don't think I'd see a BFP and assume we're going to have a baby. I think I'd see one and think...ok, what's the next step? Hope my Beta is good. Then - Hope my next Beta doubles Then - hope I see a heartbeat etc. etc.

Before I went through all this crap I would bookmark all these baby sites. I'd research cribs. I knew what stroller works best for tall girls. I'd look at bedding. I was :this: close to buying a glider that was on sale. (god, what an idiot I was). Now, those bookmarks are covered with the interweb's version of dust and cobwebs.

It's like they belonged to a past life. I don't even know the person who put them there. But it must have been fun to get to be that excited. To get to plan without a doubt that those plans would come true.

I wonder how long it will take from BFP (if I ever see a real one) to feeling that excitement again. Hope I get to find out.

Tight Like a Tiger

2009-05-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

(An image I got when I googled "cervix")

I had my IUI today. There were amazing things and not so great things, but the bottom line is I'm lying on the couch with the best chance I've ever had to get pregnant.

My follicle count keeps getting smaller. Today we only had one. But that one was abig beautiful follicle already spouting. I didn't know follicles can spout, but I guess that means they are getting ready to release the egg. Pretty cool!

My husbands sperm....FANTASTIC NEWS. They don't test morphology before an IUI, but they do test count and motility. His count was up a little, but his motility rose from about 20% last time to over 80% this time! So there was something like 30 million sperm ready for transfer this morning. Now we also have severe morphology issues, but I'm hoping that those numbers also rose a little big.

The actual transfer. So my body doesn't like to give anything up. I've already talked about how I'm a hard stick. Here's my bruised arm for proof.....

(Should have seen it at it's darkest...)

Well it turns out I'm a hard IUI too. I don't want to brag, but my cervix is tight. REALLY tight. I broke several of the Doctor's catheters today. Let just say after twenty minutes, a cervical clamp (youch!) the words "I'm going to tug on your cervix now" and a swabbing to clean up the blood (gross!) it finally happened. Doctor 1 - Cervix - 0.

I don't feel very positive today, but I do believe there is a chance this will work. Beta on my father's birthday, May 29th. POAS commences in 8ish days. Wish me luck.

Look at that a full post and I haven't even mentioned the two babies born this week to my friends and family.

Trigger

2009-05-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe I got a little tipsy tonight. This was my first drink (or two) in I don't even know how long.

I also did my trigger shot. I was a nervous. I know it's the same size needle that I used for Lupron...but something about putting in that much liquid....I panicked. I wasn't sure I could do it. But as it happens again and again during this journey I do what has to be done. And also like it happens again and again...it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I feared.

So soon I should be testing (fake) positive!

99 Thanks for Visiting the 99¢ Store

2009-05-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Check out my stash. Pretty impressive isn't it? Ok, honestly that's not mine. That's my best friend's. Mine were already bagged. But trust me my 99¢ pregnancy tests are just as bountiful.

I trigger Friday Night for an IUI on Sunday. Should be fun. What will definitely be fun is testing out that trigger. I can't way to see positive pregnancy tests no matter why they're positives.

And why is my friend buying a ton of tests, too? (Sweet alliteration!) She went off the pill a few months ago and hasn't gotten her AF yet. So I have now taught her the art of the OPK and the beauty of the cheap Pregnancy Test.

This is an exciting time for us. Who will win the conception race? And when she does how much will I hate her? Only time will tell!

A Good Day

2009-05-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

So many good things today:

My favorite nurse got my blood with only one poke (compared to the FIVE and twenty minutes of digging on my last visit....until we gave up without giving blood)

I found out I'm doing an easy trigger shot in the stomach instead of a big ol' needle in the butt.

I have two very pretty follies that will hopefully finally let me see a positive pregnancy test. (but honestly I think since I'm triggering I might just have to POAS to see that positive)

My husband is taking me to San Fran on Saturday to see my beloved NY Mets play.

And professionally me and my writing partner kicked ASS today! This is our staffing season which means we meet with lots of different people and hope that one of them will hire us. Today we NAILED our interview. I think it's not a matter of will we work but where will we work. Plus our agent called our pilot idea "genius". And I kind of agree. How cool to be excited to write again?

Happy Days!

I Need to Remember This

2009-05-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

A mother of 2 (through IVF) posted this on our board today....

The most beautiful stones are washed by the waters and polished to brilliance through life's strongest storms.

--Irish proverb

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

I got a great gift today. I occasionally post and ALWAYS read on the Nest TTTC board (Trouble Trying to Conceive...a name that doesn't quite fit the crap the wonderful women on that board have gone through). One of those ladies organized an angel exchange and had the fantastic idea to open our angels on Mother's Day. A day that you can imagine, is not an infertile's favorite day.

So this morning I got to open my beautiful angel and card from RosieDoll. First off let me just say how excited I am for RosieDoll who gets to celebrate this Mother's Day with the BEST gift...a BFP!

This angel couldn't have come at a better time. As anyone (does anyone?) who reads this blog would know the past few days have been among the hardest of my life. With my FIL's horrible prognosis, my canceled IVF and lots of other little things that seem extremely insignificant...I felt like I was given too much to handle. My angel is COURAGE. The thing I need the most right now. Thank you again RosieDoll.

As I type this I'm in my house with my parents. My mom and dad who the moment I called up crying about FIL, DH out of town and IVF, knew I needed them and by the end of the phone call were packing to drive the 6 hours to be with me. So instead of this Mother's Day being a sad one I was giving Courage and reminded what an incredible and supportive mother (and father) I have.

What a great thing.

GAME OVER

2009-05-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

IVF #1 is cancelled. We'll do a medicated IUI with only a 10-12% success rate.

FUCK.

But since I said I'd try to be more positive, here is a really great thing.

I called my mom crying. I said two sentence. #1 I dropped Jeremy (DH) off at the airport. (he's going home til Monday to see his dad). #2 They canceled the IVF.

As I finished that last sentence she said, "we'll be there in 7 hours" and her and my dad packed and jumped in the car and are now driving from Phoenix to Los Angeles so I don't have to be alone right now.

How cool is that?

Unhappy Birthday to Me

2009-05-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. 31. A very unexciting year to be.

And yesterday was probably in the top 5 worst days of my life.

We found out my FIL's cancer is pretty aggressive. Yesterday they gave him weeks or months to live.

(I know the following pale in comparison to the previoius - but I'm listing them anyway)

I had a really hard blood draw. I HATE needles. And yesterday, as two nurses tried to dig around and find a vein it was just proof that I'm not a wuss...I'm a SUPER hard stick.

I thought I was going to start stims but my estrogen level came back elevated so now it looks like there is a chance we'll have to cancel this IVF.

All this piled on top of the regular stress I have.....

And yet this morning is another day. I feel better. I'm not crying non-stop. I'm surprised at my optimism.

Here is hoping this is the last downer post for a long time. Nothing but good news from now on.

2009 Can Bite Me

2009-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

This has been the hardest year of my life. No question.

My FIL was diagnosed with Stage Four stomach cancer. Earth Shattering. Add to it, it was the day we closed on our house sucking any joy out of that little nugget. We always thought his dad would love our garden, now he might never see it. The next month we found out we would have to do IVF... now I am more comfortable with this, but then it felt like our world was crashing down AGAIN. My work was so stressful I broke out in hives and have had crazy high blood pressure. We ended up owing a shitload more in taxes than we even thought. My job is up in the air right now and the taxes and IVF has taken a huge bite of our savings. Tomorrow is my birthday but my FIL will be getting the results of a CatScan that could very tell him the cancer has spread despite the chemo. My FIL might never get to see his grandkids. Talk about pressure for an IVF cycle. Today I dropped a glass jar of garlic. :op

Despite this shit storm I know I have a pretty great life. We can afford to pay those taxes. We can pay for IVF without going into debt (at least this time). We can live on one salary (we just have to cut back). His dad has great insurance and is being taken care of by excellent doctors.

My husband and I have battled every storm and come out stronger on the other side. I love him more now than ever before and it is comforting to know that tragedy brings us together and doesn't tear us apart.

Sigh.... I know my last few posts have been downers. I'm just sick of this. Sick of the storms. Sick of the shots....sick of the sick.

But I'm still optimistic. Isn't that sick?