B +

Still not sure if this is AF or not.  The nurse told me that since I'm still on Lupron, AF is probably going to be light.  So I go to the RE tomorrow morning, fifteen minutes early so they can show me how to inject my stims.

I went to my acupuncturist today.  When I started I was not sure how much faith I had in it, but the more I go the more I think it really does work.    Even if it doesn't the twenty minutes of meditation are awesome.

Today, on the table, with needles in my head, ears, feet, hands, stomach, legs ankles and cheeks, I tried to use my meditation time to think about a positive IVF outcome.  I really spent time and went in to great detail, thinking about giving myself stims (painlessly), watching the follies grow on the ultrasounds.  I was at my ER and I wasn't scared of the IV.   I woke up and found out they got 20 eggs.  15 fertilized.  2 beautiful blasts get transfered, 10 froze.....

Then the acupuncturist came in.  I had to stop.   Never got to the BFP.  Maybe next time ;o)

It's Heeerrrrreeeee. I think.

This post will be about my period.  So for the zero men that read my blog.  You might want to skip this one.

I think it came last night.  In the six hours between the times I checked, my liner was half full.  I also wiped a lot of red. 

This morning, not much on pad.  Wiped a lot of red.    TMI, I know. 

So I call the RE's office and the nurse asks me if this is "Full Flow".  Why is that question so hard? Full?  I don't know.  Maybe like half?  I mean I've had full before and the above picture doesn't even do it justice.  I can say it's more than spotting.  

So because I am anxious to get the stim ball rolling I answer, "I don't know....um....Yes?"  Which was good enough.  I'm told to half my Lupron starting tomorrow and I sit and wait for my doctor's call.

The end.  Period.

omg

Someone left comments!  

Someone besides me reads all this.  

How Cool.  

Thank you so much.

For your sake I will try to be more interesting in the future.

Favorite Onesie of All Time

When I get pregnant I might just have to get this....

On the IVF front.  Patiently waiting for AF.   

My back hurts, but that has more to do with vigorous cleaning than nightly Lupron.

I've decided it is better to be positive than negative so until it is proven otherwise I will be pregnant this cycle.  

No More BCP

Today I took my last birth control pill.  Come on AF!!!

My RE said once you start cycling it goes by very fast.  I know I still have a long way to go, but it really is moving along.  Next stop CD3 bloodwork and hopefully we start Stimming!

Lupron Symptoms or My Subconscious Wanting to Get Waited on Hand and Foot

I feel like crap.  I've had a constant, low-grade headache for a few days now.  I never get headaches.  I have been crying over the littlest thing.  But I always cry.  And most notably, some crazy monster occasionally takes over my body and yells at my loved ones.  My husband.  My mother.  My sweet little aunt.  No one is safe.  

I think this is the Lupron.  I HOPE this is the Lupron.  I fear it is my subconscious wanting an excuse to lie in bed and watch tv.  An excuse to have my husband do the food shopping and make me lunch.  An excuse to be a big ol' bitch and have people feel sorry for me rather than angry at me. 

Whatever it is it's not pretty.

R.I.P. Bea

I love Bea Arthur.  Tall, tough, funny.  She's a broad.  As far as I'm concerned there is no bigger compliment than being called a broad.

This hit me hard.  I knew she wouldn't last forever.  But I kinda wished she would.

Spoke to Soon

Remember that perhaps boastful post about how painless Lupron shots are?  Last night it hurt.  Dang it.  Not much, but enough that now I have to spend the rest of this cycle wondering if every jab will be a good one or a bad one.   

I also have a bit of a Lurpon headache.  

And remember that bruise from the first shot?  It's HUGE.  If one out of every three shots bruises me that badly, by the end of this my stomach will be one giant blue and bloody mess.

And I couldn't be happier!    I'm cycling!  If all goes well in a few weeks I'll have eggs and then embryos!  Life is so freaking good right now I could cry.

Of course that could just be the Lurpon making me emotional....

Bestest Best Friend

I feel really sorry for my best friend right now.    She tries her best to be supportive and not say the wrong thing, but it's a battle she can't win.  She has no idea what I'm going through.  She knows it's hard.  She knows I'm aching.  And try as she might she can't do anything about it.  Even worse, until we learn otherwise she is Fertile and that makes her the enemy.

The simplest statement can cause me to blow up at her.  For instance....  Best Friend: "I was talking to someone who knew somebody that had to take a loan out for her IVF.  Thank god you have enough in savings!"   Me: "This time!  But what if I have to do this again?!  And again?!?  I'm terrified this will wipe out everything we have!!! (break out into tears)  "I don't want to talk right now."  ( slam down phone)

See what she has to deal with?  And despite all that she sticks around.  And yesterday she went one step further.  She gave me an envelope that said "Prenatal Coupons".  I opened it up and there were dozens of tiny colored pieces of paper.  Each shaped like a diaper or a pregnant woman etc.  And each piece had a favor written on it that I could use when times got tough.  The dirty diapers...."Free snack of you choice brought to your house when on bedrest"  The pregnant lady?  "Free mani/pedi".  And the list goes on and on.  Once again I cried (I cry a lot these days) but for an entirely different reason.

Lupron Injections

I've been taking BCPs for a while now to help get rid of a cyst on my right ovary.  

The next step is Lupron.   Lupron is a medicine that you inject in your stomach that is supposed to suppress your hormones and keep your ovaries nice and quiet.  That way you won't ovulate before your egg retrival.    

When I knew I was going to start IVF I read as many IVF blogs as I could.  I was terrified of needles and the thought of self-injecting made me wet my pants.  But on all those blogs the women would talk about how painless the Lupron shots are.  It sounded like a big load of poop.  How is sticking a needle in your stomach NOT painful?

Well let me tell you...they were right.  It is the easiest thing.  Sure each time I do it there is a moment of panic and the thought "Holy Shit.  I'm really going to do this?" flashes through my head.  But it's done in a second and utterly painless.  

Plus I got my first bruise!  It's tiny, but it's there....my badge of honor as an IVF survivor!

How I Learned to Love My Cysts

(not my actual cyst)

I thought I'd be done with my first IVF by now.   I was told we needed IVF in February.  I panicked.  But after a failed IUI I came to some terms with it and gave the go-ahead in March. 

Then the cyst showed up.  2 of them.  Right ovary.  They grew til one was over 54mm.  I was put on birth control.   Two weeks later, another dildo cam showed it was down to 44mm.  I started acupuncture.  2 more weeks....24.  Another week and a half 14 and the relization that the other one was still there and 11mm.  5 more days... both GONE.

Now if I quickly add those up we're looking at over a month and a half on IVF hold.   A VERY LONG month and a half.  But now I realize what a good thing that time was.

The old me (pre-a month and a half ago) was an entirely different person.  I was a stress ball.  My body broke out in hives.  My blood pressure was up.  I was terrified of the needles that IVF would bring.  

That month and a half let me prepare for IVF.   I started acupunture.  I started seeing a therapist.  I started being selfish and really putting me first.  I've lost weight.  I'm healthier.  I'm happier.  

And the needles don't really scare me anymore.  I don't know how the hell this happened, but it did.  

I'm not a religious person, but there was a good reason for those cysts.

Somewhere Over the Rainbows

(the view from our RE's office when we heard we needed IVF)

We were TTC (trying to Conceive) for about a year with no such luck.   And by TTC I don't mean whoops I forgot birth control, let's see how it goes.  I mean charting, pre-seed, opks and pineapple cores.  I mean no caffine, no alcohol, daily CM checks and morning temperatures. 

We didn't get pregnant.  So we went to an RE.  The first visit I got an 

ultrasound.  Good news!  I had eggs!!! I had ovaries!  A uterus!  Hooray!

I figured a little clomid, maybe an IUI and BAM we'd be with child.  

Then we had the sperm analysis.  Not good.  They were there...just misshapen and slow.  

This was a surprise.  I always assumed the problem was me.  My husband is a college athlete.  I am a big fat ass.    

Our RE said our best chance at getting pregnant was IVF.  I cried.  I thought we had so many steps before that one huge one.   I was scared.  IVF sounds so scary.  So painful.  So...final.

Then we looked out the window and saw a double rainbow.   A little nod from Mother Nature that we could do this.  We were strong enough.    

We shall soon see.