Did You Ever Notice

How many other things there are to think about other than IF?

Now that I don't have doctor's appointments,  shots, pills, OPKs and HPTs - what I do have is a life....of some sort.

I was on a work hiatus for three months.  But I was also going through fertility treatments.  Now I'm working full time and I feel like I have so much more free time.

I used to sleep til ten and nap during the day.  Now I have to be up by 7am yet I and so much less tired than I was.

Don't get me wrong...I still think about IF most of the day.  But it used to be all of the day.  So that is progress. 

I'm curious what our next step will be and when.  But not so curious I'm planning it out yet.

This weekend I'm going to sleep in, drink, swim, maybe take a nice hot bath....spend every second with my DH.

That's not a bad place to be.

Maybe next weekend I won't feel as positive.  But that is next weekend's problem.

WTF

a.k.a "What?  They're Forty?"

Yup I have the eggs of a forty year old according to my RE.   They had darker centers.  There were a lot of empty follicles.  They died before they made it to blasts.    These are things commonly found in older women.

Sweet.

Oh, yeah...DH's sperm had lots of white blood cells we hadn't seen before.  

Sweeter.

As I was hearing this, basically being told this is even more of an uphill battle than we previously thought...it hit me that I was in the exact same office, the exact same chair, looking out the exact same window that I was when we first heard we probably needed IVF.

I cried both times.  But now I cried as an IVF veteran.  One of "those women".  The failures. 

Needless to say I stress ate like a mo-fo last night.

We have a plan.  DH will get  more tests.  I will get more tests.  When we do IVF again it will be without Lupron....maybe it's the lupron making my eggs so shitty.

I also learned some interesting things.  Of the 12 mature eggs we had 8(!) matured in the lab.  Perhaps we triggered too early?

I was told there were 7 fertilized.  Well another 4 fertilized later.

I was told we had 5 eggs on day 3.  We actually had more.  

Everything looked great, the stims, the follicle growth, the E2 levels, the retrival.  There was no way to know how f-ed up we are.

I also learned my early bleeding could have been a VERY early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy.  And that the blast they transferred was a Grade C.

I'm glad it was a Grade C.  It takes a way a little of the guilt I have that if I didn't rush off to a plane...if I didn't pick up their dog....if I wasn't so stressed....maybe that egg would have stuck around.  But there is still some guilt there.

I know this will eventually work.  But it is going to take a long time and a lot of money.

I don't know how much of either I can spend.  It isn't limitless.  

I need a break.  Fortunately we are in one.

De Nile

I don't know if I'm pretending I'm not IF or what....

I deleted a lot of "baby shows" off my Tivo.  You probably have them too.... In the Womb, Dummies Guide to Pregnancy.....Deliver Me.....  you get the drift.

I didn't call my RE right away to make a WTF appointment.  Could have gone today.  Am waiting til Monday.  Just don't want to deal with it.

I found myself terrified of the TTTC board.  I was obsessed with this board on the Nest.  I mean EVERY DAY I would read EVERY post.  But a lot of those girls were going through IVF with me and I didn't think I could handle BFPs after BFPs.

Today I snuck a peek.  I thought all the BFPs would hurt.  Instead they were mostly BFNs.  And though I felt empathy for those going through what I did.... there was a sick little part of me that felt relieved to not be alone.  To not be the only broken one.  

There is one exception.  There is a very nice girl on the boards who said this IVF was her last chance.  Her BFN was almost as painful as my own.  To see her vocalizing that this is it.  The end.  She will never have kids....  I cannot even imagine what that must be like.

It's weird.  There is half of me that knows we'll keep going til we have kids.  5 more IVFs?  Fine.  Donor eggs/sperm?  Okay.  We'll do it.  BRing it on.

Then there is the other half that can't even conceive of an end game.  I don't think of a BFP.  I can't even imagine it.  Honestly.  When I do it is as foreign and unobtainable as imagining making out with Bradley Cooper.  It's be cool, but it's not happening.

All the money, time, pain - it's not for a baby.  It's just cause that's who we are.  I brush my teeth.  I pay my mortgage.  I shoot myself in the stomach.  That's me.