Freak Out

This week my boss's wife had a baby. A little girl. I was happy for them and excited for me. I realized that will be me in a few more months.

And that started my emotional downfall. Oh no. A little bit of faith. Actually letting myself think about a take home baby. Time to start sabotaging my happiness. First it was weird (explainable) discharge. Then a phone call to the OB office. A great conversation with one of the doctors saying if I'm not bleeding/crampy/feeling pressure it's all good.

Okay, I'm not feeling any of those things. Or am I? What's that pain? Is my discharge a little darker than usual? Would I call that a light brown?! That could be old blood! Oh God my stomach is hard. Braxton Hicks??!?!?! And did I always have that pressure feeling in my groin!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yes, that's right. The pure act of letting myself feel even for a second that this pregnancy will result in a baby caused me to forget what it felt like to be pregnant the day before. Every sensation was new and scary.

I knew it was all in my head. Everything could be justified. But the panic...the TERROR just built. So I went to my OB's office today. The receptionist asked me my symptoms. I told her they were all in my head. I just needed someone to tell me it was all going to be okay. The receptionist was so cool. Though I was crying she told me don't worry about it. It's my right to come here and get checked out whenever I needed it. She even came to check on me after my appointment was over.

Next I see the nurse practitioner. Another awesome lady who did a swab, blood pressure, weight and after hearing why I was there told me I needed to find a way to cope with the anxiety. Therapy/prenatal yoga were a few suggestions. I said I knew logically things were find, but I asked if I could still get an Ultrasound. She said I could get one whenever I wanted.

My two fears were low fluid and a shortening cervix. We immediately saw Bea's heartbeat. She's so cute. Over a pound now and "above average" (what a proud mom I am). The fluid was fine. Next stop the cervix. It has always been about a 4 and I was so scared it would be much shorter. Instead it had grown. It was now almost 5.

Proof. Proof that everything was alright. But honestly when has there ever been a moment in this pregnancy where an u/s should anything but a perfect Bea? And yet I still get scared.

So we have the final conversation with the nurse and she tells me more often than not things turn out fine. She's seen heroin addicts have healthy babies. Our bodies were designed for this. Things will be okay. And I listened. And I believed. She said I should be enjoying this time. Not wasting it. I totally agree. Then the kicker. She said if I'm like this now how will I be when there is a baby.

This got to me because I always assumed this was a pregnancy thing with me. I'm not one of those super anxious girls. I'm not a hypochondriac or anything like that. This is the first time I've ever felt this out of control. But what if it's not just about pregnancy? What if it bleeds into my parenting? I don't want to live like this.

So I'm going to try extra hard. We're going to buy the furniture and paint the nursery and why shouldn't we? We having a baby.

Pow!

I'm a "fluffy" mom to be. In other words a fatty fatty fat fat. We thought it was going to take a while for my husband to get to feel Bea move. But we lucked out. She likes to kick hard in that little area between my stomach and my nether region. You know what I'm talking about. Right where the underwear stops. Think of a guy with a HUGE beer gut. See his pants below his stomach? She kicks at the belt buckle. You know from now on I'm going to call that area the belt buckle.

And when she kicks there I can put my hand on the belt buckle and feel it. And I tell my husband to come over and put his hand there. And then my stubborn little girl, who had been doing jazzercise up to that point, stops and he feels nothing. And we're in that awkward Twister type pose for ten minutes until he gets bored and stops.

Last night Bea was up to her usual antics and I told my husband to come over. He sat down and she stopped. But then POW. A huge kick. And my husband's face lit up the way it did when I told him we were pregnant. It was amazing.

I may be too cynical and too informed to be one hundred percent naively excited about this pregnancy, but thank God my husband can still enjoy it. And I can enjoy it through his enjoyment. I can enjoy it when we pull out the doppler and hear the heartbeat and he gets so excited. I can enjoy his texts that say "I love you two too". And I can enjoy it when my mom talks about her "Sweet Bea" and my MIL says she can't wait to see "what will Bea". (how lucky that we picked a name with so many puns ;o)

I feel so lucky that I can give that to them.

Half Baked

I am officially on the downhill. Monday was 20 weeks. Friday was my anatomy scan. I don't want to brag but the word "perfect" was thrown around a few times. Also the term "Bigger mother" (I'm over six feet tall and obese) so we're going back at 24 weeks to look at everything again. We found out our daughter has a big head (like her dad), long legs (like her mom) and a tiny stomach (no idea where that came from).

I started feeling Bea move. A little at first. You know how they say it feels like butterflies or popcorn or other pretty little similes? To me it felt like when you are in a pool and you fart and the bubbles go up your bathing suit....just inside and not as hard. Now she's moving more and more. Kicks and all. I love it.

I also had another milestone. Today was my first post pregnant OB appointment that didn't involve an U/S. She just weighted me. Checked my (high) blood pressure. Listened for the (amazing/beautiful/still unbelievable) heartbeat. Then asked how I was doing. A couple of discharge questions later (yes mucousy discharge is fine...also your discharge can be yellowish in color....The more you know) and we were handed our bottle of orange soda for the glucose test in four weeks. That was it. How....normal.

In is she finally ready to accept the fact that she's having a baby news....there is a stroller in our house as we speak. There is also a collection of babylegs, a couple of onsies, paint to start the nursery, some nursery art and bedding has been ordered. How's that for a girl who has spent the last couple of months waiting for the other shoe to drop?