Choo Choo

Got the wand again today.  Two big follicles (one on each side) racing to see who will ovulate first.  The plan is ovulation tests.  Regular old sex.  Test progesterone and supplement as needed.  The end.


Odds low.  But low is not zero.

And we're back on the baby train.

Yes or No

Pre-Bea I would joke with the RE that I had a cervix of steel.  I have literally broken/bent/ruined a half dozen catheters through my IUIs and Embryo transfers.  I was expecting the same today.  Instead the catheter went right in.   Oh, right.  I basically pushed a bowling ball through there.  I guess things have changed.

I went to the RE today to make sure my UTE was empty and ready for the next step.  It wasn't.  There's something in there.  Not sure what it is yet.  It's either a little something that will leave during my next period or it's a polyp.  A polyp will mean surgery to remove it.  I don't want that.

So now me and my cervix of sticks/straw are waiting for next cycle to see if the mystery object leaves on its own or if we have to do something about it.  It's nothing dangerous.  If I wasn't TTC we'd just let it be. But if it is a polyp it could prevent implantation or lead to miscarriage.

That brings me to this cycle.  DH and I are deciding if we want to be proactive this month.  If the answer is yes I'll go back to the RE on Tuesday and get the wand again.  If everything looks good I'll get my blood drawn and see what my progesterone is doing.  I have always had a suspicion that I have some major progesterone issues.  My luteal phase has always been short.  I have moments of anxiety. Both issues of people with low progesterone.  I also had to take a large amount of prog. supplements to sustain Bea's pregnancy.  

So we'll test my progesterone and probably supplement and do old fashion ovulation tests and sex and see if miracles happen.

Or we could not do anything.  No early morning appointments.  No blood draws.  No freaking out.  No 2ww.  We could just relax until the big FET.

I'll let you know what we choose.

It Begins Again

The Long Road Ahead

Today I went back to the RE.    It was just the preliminary workup.  We scheduled blood work.  Got the wand (looks like I just O'ed).  Everything looks good.

The second I started driving towards the office my body knew what was happening.  Each step made my heart beat faster.  The freeway exit.  The parking structure.  The office building.  The right floor.  The office.

It knew what this all meant.  Months and months of heartache, pain (both mental and physical) and disappointment.

We went over a schedule for my FET.  Looks like sometime in December might work out.  An awesome Christmas present or a sad reminder that we have to work hard to build our family.

I have four blasts left.  She said one was really good, two were good and one was okay.  She rated them 3 Bs and a C.

My head immediately went to Why no As?  This isn't going to work.  I'll have to do more IVFs.  Pain, Sadness, Fear....

I have Bea now.  Sweet, wonderful, perfect Bea.  I know all the failed FETs in the world can't take her away.   If this is my family I am unbelievably lucky.  I feel bad wanting more.  Like I'm pushing my luck. And yet there were other feelings that came back today.  In the middle of the fear, sadness, anxiety... there was hope and desire the knowledge that I'm here to fight.