I Knew It

I don't do anything half assed.  Month 1 of TTC I already had the ovulation tests out.    The preseed.  The temping.  All of it.  Little did I know it would all be kind of useless and it would take us years and lots of procedures to finally get our sweet Bea.

Those ovulation tests were not wasted money however.  I noticed that my period came very close to my ovulation.  Too close.  I suspected by month 3 that I might have progesterone issues.

 Fast forward years and my first IVF.  After transfer I never had another blood test because I was at my FIL's funeral.  My period started four days after transfer.   If I had tested my progesterone I'm sure it would have been low.

2nd IVF (that gave me my perfect DD) - I had the progesterone test and as anyone (no one) who reads this blog would know my RE called to tell me despite taking PIO shots every night my progesterone was dangerously low and I needed to double it.     I was not allowed to stop those shots til almost 16 weeks.

Clearly something was up.

And this cycle - Cycle #1 of TTC #2 - I got even more proof.    I took ovulation tests and got a smilie face.  Since I told my RE about my progesterone concerns she tested my Prog at 8dpo to see if I needed supplements.

She called.  "You didn't ovulate."  What?!  So the next day I'm in her office getting wanded.  And all the signs say I did ovulate.  My lining.  A giant blood filled cyst (that RE said happens after ovulation).  The one thing that says I didn't was my progesterone....it was at a 1.  A freaking 1!  We retested that day and it doubled to a whopping 2.1.     That's insane.  My IVF#2 freakout was about progesterone at an 8.4.

So as I type this I'm taking two progesterone supplements a day.  One up and one down if you know what I mean.  Tomorrow I might POAS.  We'll see.

My hope is not high for this cycle.  We're MFI so even knowing I ovulated chances are slim.  What I am feeling is excited.  I was a little freaked out about getting back on this train, but now I'm ready for it.

Bea is so amazing right now.  The first 6 months of her life were very hard for me.  PPD, MRSA, breastfeeding issues - Now it's just 100% happiness and complete awe that this wonderful, smart, adorable little girl is mine.  I feel nothing but joy and hopefulness and I can't wait to see what's in store for us.

I can't wait to do the baby thing again.  If I am ever lucky enough to do it again.  This time I'll get help for my PPD.  This time I won't have a chunk of my stomach cut out.  This time I won't hate myself if I can't breastfeed.    This time I'll have sweet Bea next to me.

Let's go further back - to my pregnancy with Bea.  I was so worried something would go wrong I never got to enjoy it.  If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again - This time I will be happy.  This  time I will get excited.  This time I will bond with him/her.  This time I'll tell my parents in a way other than "We're pregnant...for now."

And even further back.  These cycles I will not have that blood curdling fear "What if I can never have children?".  I will not have to avoid places that are full of kids - in fact I get to bring my kid with me.

I'm on the train - but this one is so much nicer.