BFN

I was not surprised.  I've been testing since 3dp5dt and saw nothing but bright white.  

It sucks.  No doubt.

It sucked every time I saw a white pee stick.

It sucked having to take the stupid PIO shots that gave me stupid night sweats even though I knew I wasn't pregnant.

It sucked having to get poked several times today to get enough blood to tell me I'm not pregnant.

It sucked when my RE called and gave me sad voice.

It sucked when that RE mentioned this might be an egg quality issues since someone my age should have more than one kid out of all the eggs I made.

It sucked when the fear came back....will it ever happen again?

What doesn't suck?  This time when I was trying to hold back my tears my 13 month old daughter....the most amazing girl in the world....climbed into my lap and hugged me.

Yes it was a BFN but I am still so FUCKING lucky.  I'm a Mom.

Should get AF on Christmas Day (joy) and start cycling for my next IVF in February.

Today Was the Day

Transfer days are different when you have a child.  I spend my drive in to work crying tears of gratitude again at the thought that the "Mom" necklace I wear is mine regardless of what happens today.

We got to the Transfer place early (maybe because it was an excuse to leave work early...).   The first words out of the receptionist's mouth was "Arlene needs to speak to you."  Immediately I assume something is wrong.  Nope. Just needed to pay.

So we sit in the waiting room with other couples....couples with that desperate look that I had for so many years.  I wanted to let them know it does get better.  It gets so SO much better.  But instead I waited the wait of someone whose whole life does not rest on the outcome of this transfer.  As my DH put it "We're playing with house money now".  We already got lucky.

But then we kept waiting.   Every other couple went back to have their retrievals or their transfers.  We were alone.  Even the receptionist went to lunch.  And my mind started racing.    Thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

My RE showed up and told us the wait was just because the lab was backed up.  It had nothing to do with us.   But she did have news on our embryos.  They thawed the first two and they only looked so-so.  So they were now thawing the last two.  We'd find out how those were doing in a few minutes.

We finally go back to the transfer room and we get the update.  The last two thawed well and were looking "good."  I asked does that mean Awesome, Really nice, or just fine.   My RE said "good".  She explained that since they were thawed more recently the hadn't fully plumped up yet so they could get great.  But for now good was all we were going to get.

I feel like an embryo expert because of my IVFs, my BFFs IVFs and the countless photos I've seen online.  But looking at the picture of my thawed Embryos I could not tell a dang thing.  

So a speculum, u/s, catheter placement later and the embryologist came out and informed my RE that the two good embryos had plumped up and looked great.  We were now working with 2 "Very Good" embryos!

Transfer went well.  The U/S tech, nurse and RE kept complimenting my "cavity" (humble brag).  My RE said a prayer over us (brought me to tears).  And now we wait.

Tomorrow

My FET is scheduled for tomorrow.

I feel so many things right now.

I'm feeling sore from the PIO shots.  What the heck?  I had a butt of steal the last few times.

I'm feeling awe at how easy (comparitively) a FET is.  It doesn't feel real that tomorrow I will (hopefully) have embryos aboard.

I'm feeling nervous.   I've had two transfers before this - both fresh IVFs.  The first one I found out that only one blast (and a half assed one at that) had made it.   The second gave me Bea.  That's a 50% chance of crappy news tomorrow or a 50% chance of good news which leads me to:

I'm feeling excited.  This really could work.  We haven't told any of our parents we're doing this.  We have both gotten the "When are you trying for #2" questions and we have shrugged them off.  Why?  Because last time we told them we were pregnant it wasn't that happy fairy tale moment.  It was more of a "I'm technically pregnant, but the betas are low so don't get your hopes up".

IF we get pregnant this cycle we'll have a beta or two under our belts by Christmas.  We'll wrap a book about being a big sister and have Bea open it in front of everyone.  We'll even get to record the moment.  God I want one of those...one of those happy, no fear, pure excitement "We're Pregnants!" like on youtube (BTW do yourselves a favor and watch them ...you'll cry your eyes out).  IF we get pregnant this cycle I promise I will let myself get excited.

But if it doesn't work that's okay too.  Why?

I feel SO VERY LUCKY AND BLESSED to have Bea.  My sweet, sweet daughter.  The greatest thing in my life.  Knowing how much I love her now I realize how deeply my PPD ran.   I missed out on so much of her early life because I just was not myself.  I would really love a chance to do it again.  But if that doesn't happen I am still the luckiest person in the world.

A co-worker left a few weeks ago and he sent out a fun email with predictions of where we would all be in a few months.  His prediction for my best friend and I was that we would be breastfeeding in the office making my easily grossed out by lady things boss uncomfortable.    Because that is who we are.  We're mothers.  It took me 3 years and 2 IVFs to get here, but I'm here.  It took my BFF even more IVFs but now she has a son.  No matter how hard our journey to get here was it doesn't change the fact that we are seen as mothers, because we ARE mothers.  I'm a mom.  If I show up tomorrow and there are 0 embryos left.  If I never make another embryo again.  It doesn't change that.  I'm a mom.  I'm Bea's mom.....Wow.

12.6.11

Lining between a 9.6 and 10.   FET scheduled for a week from today.    We won't know if anything made the thaw until we get there. 

PIO shots start Thursday night.  

Holy Crap.

12.1.11

Today my lining was at a 7.7.   Estrace moved up to 2mg 3x a day.

My best friend just had her son.  There is nothing like being in a maternity ward to pump up your desire to have another baby.

Next RE appt. on Tuesday.  Getting my butt psyched up for the PIO shots....