Tomorrow

My FET is scheduled for tomorrow.

I feel so many things right now.

I'm feeling sore from the PIO shots.  What the heck?  I had a butt of steal the last few times.

I'm feeling awe at how easy (comparitively) a FET is.  It doesn't feel real that tomorrow I will (hopefully) have embryos aboard.

I'm feeling nervous.   I've had two transfers before this - both fresh IVFs.  The first one I found out that only one blast (and a half assed one at that) had made it.   The second gave me Bea.  That's a 50% chance of crappy news tomorrow or a 50% chance of good news which leads me to:

I'm feeling excited.  This really could work.  We haven't told any of our parents we're doing this.  We have both gotten the "When are you trying for #2" questions and we have shrugged them off.  Why?  Because last time we told them we were pregnant it wasn't that happy fairy tale moment.  It was more of a "I'm technically pregnant, but the betas are low so don't get your hopes up".

IF we get pregnant this cycle we'll have a beta or two under our belts by Christmas.  We'll wrap a book about being a big sister and have Bea open it in front of everyone.  We'll even get to record the moment.  God I want one of those...one of those happy, no fear, pure excitement "We're Pregnants!" like on youtube (BTW do yourselves a favor and watch them ...you'll cry your eyes out).  IF we get pregnant this cycle I promise I will let myself get excited.

But if it doesn't work that's okay too.  Why?

I feel SO VERY LUCKY AND BLESSED to have Bea.  My sweet, sweet daughter.  The greatest thing in my life.  Knowing how much I love her now I realize how deeply my PPD ran.   I missed out on so much of her early life because I just was not myself.  I would really love a chance to do it again.  But if that doesn't happen I am still the luckiest person in the world.

A co-worker left a few weeks ago and he sent out a fun email with predictions of where we would all be in a few months.  His prediction for my best friend and I was that we would be breastfeeding in the office making my easily grossed out by lady things boss uncomfortable.    Because that is who we are.  We're mothers.  It took me 3 years and 2 IVFs to get here, but I'm here.  It took my BFF even more IVFs but now she has a son.  No matter how hard our journey to get here was it doesn't change the fact that we are seen as mothers, because we ARE mothers.  I'm a mom.  If I show up tomorrow and there are 0 embryos left.  If I never make another embryo again.  It doesn't change that.  I'm a mom.  I'm Bea's mom.....Wow.