Pick Yourself Up - Dust Yourself Off - And Start All Over Again

The post title is a song Fred Astaire sang in the movie Swing Time.  I've always liked the song.  Now I love it.  The woman he's dancing with up there is Ginger Rogers who if you're not an old movie fan and haven't seen many of her movies she's gorgeous and spunky and funny and way more than his dance partner.  But I digress....

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do to a person.  I don't feel happy.  But I feel better.

This is also the first weekend my husband and I have had together in a while.  So that make everything better.

I think we are going to do whatever my body tells us to do.  If I get AF in time, have no cysts, have good hormone levels and my lining thins enough we'll jump right in to the IVF.  Those are a lot of ifs and as my previous attempt at IVF will show my body's not great at doing what I want.  So we'll see.

Today I'm drinking alcohol (raspberry lambic).  I'm drinking caffeine (pepsi throwback...I'm a coke girl, but a sucka for real sugar).  I had carnal relations with my husband.  I think I'm going to take a hot bath.   So screw you IF.  Today I'm just a normal girl.

Well, almost normal.  Something I wasn't expecting was how PAINFUL my pre-AF cramps were going to be.  I guess stimming and progesterone and all the other shit I did to myself is taking it's vengeance.  

When I'm not crumpled over in extreme pain I'm am cheering my uterus on.  Come on ute!  Let's start AF!  We've got an IVF in our near future!

Negative

Big Fracking Surprise.   So why do I still feel so bad.

Maybe you readers (the two of you) would have an opinion on this.  I will be starting a new job on June 15th.  My RE seems to think if all goes well I could start stimming CD3  and that means if all works perfectly (and really when does it ever?) I could have ER on June 13th.  That means no showing up late for a new job.  No missing work for Retriv.  It would mean going in to a new job saying "hey, i scheduled a procedure before I got this job.  I will be taking two days off (for transfer...they don't need to know why).

If I don't do this I have NO idea when I'll have another chance at IVF.  I guess next hiatus which is in roughly 9 months.

Here is the reason to not do it.  My DH's cousin's wedding is the weekend of the 13th.  It's cross country.  It is also another chance my DH can see his dying father.  He could go and freeze his goods but how sad will ER be without him?  I can't make him stay with me.  But boy I wish he would.

I guess our other option is we take a break.  I thought I could handle that, but just talking to my RE I'm feel like "What's next? Let's go go go!"    But seriously.  This isn't fair to my husband.  He is dealing with a DYING FATHER.  He doesn't need more shit on his plate.  I think I'm being selfish.  What's a few months off?  A few pressureless months where I get used to work and he doesn't have to choose between the people he loves.

Fuck.  

Beta Tomorrow

No hope really.  I cried a little today.  Just a quick mourning for this cycle.  But IF is a cruel bitch and she doesn't just let it go at that. 

I went to my acupuncturist today.  She started taking the needles out and each and every one bled.  (don't worry no pain)  This is weird.  I usually at most have one tiny drop of blood come out after the needle that goes between my eyes.  That is usually it.  Today not only did ALL of them bleed, but one on my tummy formed a welt and another one on my tummy formed a bruise.  Oh!  And one on my ear bled for a few minutes.

So because I like to torture myself I start thinking "Hey...don't you make more blood when you're pregnant?  Women get nosebleeds and have bleeding gums...maybe that's it..."

That's not it.  It's just a little bit of hope that crept back in after I had ALREADY mourned my loss.  So now tomorrow when I get my negative beta though I KNOW I'm not pregnant I'm going to have to mourn again.

My FIL took another down turn.  They are thinking he won't last through June.  I know it's not my fault logically, but deep down I can't stop blaming myself that he will never know he was even going to have grandkids.  I know technically we're MFI, but if I wasn't so obese.  If I ate better.  If I got off my fat ass and went to the gym more often each of these treatments would have a better chance at working.

After tomorrow's beta I am going out to dinner to celebrate my new job.  I am going to drink to mourn my loss.  Then I'm going to get up on Saturday and hit the gym so I don't hate myself so much.

Hate is a harsh word.  It's so weird.  Sometimes I think I'm great.  Like really awesome.  I think I'm funny and witty and smart.  Creative and talented.  People seem to like me.  DH's family tells him how great I am.   I think how lucky my husband is.  

Then there is the other half of me that thinks I'm lazy and ugly and so morbidly obese I can't imagine why my husband hasn't left me yet.   I think about how great he is and how he deserves a pretty wife.  And he could get one to.  He's quite a catch.  I call myself lazy and gross.  Why can't I just stop eating/sitting on the couch.

I know, I know.  My physical self is such a small part of the whole me (well honestly a huge fat part), but it clouds everything else.  I'm such a schizo.  When I love myself I LOVE myself.  When I hate myself I HATE MY LAZY ASS SELF SOOOO MUCH. 

IF has caused the days of hate to dominate.  My body is not just gross.  It doesn't work.  Not only is my inability to stop eating keeping me from cute clothes and higher self esteem, it is keeping me from a CHILD.   And my FIL from a grandchild.

Wow.  I don't know where any of this came from.  I knew this was a down day...didn't realize I was this low.

I will make this long post longer by saying that other than my weight/IF/FIL life is pretty much perfect.  As sad as I sound here I am usually pretty happy and optimistic.   My house is gorgeous.  My Family is amazing.  My career is soaring.  My friends are fantastic.  My Husband. Well, I hit the jackpot.  

Tomorrow will be a better day...even with a negative beta.

The Opposite of Pregnant

Today I have never felt less pregnant.  I'm not nauseous.  I'm not crampy.  I'm not tired.  In fact I haven't felt this good since before we started seeing our RE and getting medicated.

My Beta is on Friday.  I'm sure it will be negative.  I **think** I'll be okay with that.    Don't get me wrong.  I only ovulated about 9 days ago so I'll still be peeing on everything stick shaped for the next few days.  I just don't expect to see much.

9 DPIUI

Once again.  These mean nothing.  I just want my future self to be aware of what is "normal" for a failed cycle.

Last night was a horrible night.  I woke up dozens of times.  Sometimes cause of cramps.  Sometimes cause of bloat.  Sometimes cause of hot flashes.  Sometimes cause my back hurt.  I just could not get comfortable. 

I had a dream I got a BFP.  We didn't know if the test was faulty so we ran to the pile of Dollar Store tests I keep next to the toilet.  I had used them all!  We Panicked.  I woke up.

I have had three small bouts of nausea today.  I think it's cause of the stress.

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  I walked in to the office and asked if she'd put the space heater on cause I was cold.  2 minutes later she was testing my pulse and I had a HUGE hot flash.  She could feel the heat radiating off my body.  She shut the space heater off.  By the time she was done poking me I was cold again and needed the heater back on.

I have cried so many times today.  I'm an emotional wreck.

I did POAS today.  BFN.

Why am I starting to get my hopes I?  Don't I know how bad it will hurt if/ WHEN I'm not pregnant?  

On a happier less psychotic note.... I got a job.  Woohoo!

Shame on You California

Can anyone see a difference?  Cause I can't.

And one for good messure.

8dpiui

(someone else who is fishing like me)

No symptoms.  I hate this.  Not even the ones that progesterone is supposed to bring on. (well I did have a dirty dream which is common with the big P).   No sore boobs.  No nausea.  No tiredness. Only slight cramps.  No nothing.  I think I'll start POAS tomorrow and lose all hope by Thursday.  Thank you 99¢ Store for allowing me the opportunity to be let down over and over again for the next few days.

****************************************************************

I wrote the above sentence this morning.  Since then there have been a few things.  Now Let me just say up front that I do NOT think these things are signs that I'm pregnant.  I know the odds of being KUed right now are low.

I am typing these out so that if and most likely WHEN I get a BFN I will have something next cycle to remind me what I felt like when I wasn't pregnant.

Today I felt flutters in my lower stomach.  Kind of like what I imagine it feels like when you feel a baby move for the first time.

I have sharp pains once again in my lower area.   These aren't common, but maybe a half dozen times today.

My left nipple is slightly sore.

I have peed 5 times today.  This is crazy for me.   I've driven cross country 3 different times.  I've driven from Mexico to Canada.  NO MATTER who I am driving with I am never the one that has to stop and use the rest room.  I pee maybe twice a day.  3 times if I'm feeling adventurous.   Plus I haven't been drinking much today so that doesn't explain it.   Of course now I'm wondering if I really do pee a lot and I just Think I don't.

Don't you love the 2ww?

Memorial Day

You know how some people feel like they're in the wrong time period?  I've always felt like I was born about 60 years too late.  

I love movies and music from the 30s and 40s.  And I'm fascinated with WW2.  Not so much the battles and dates.  But the people.   Those men who ran towards the fire.  The women who rationed, riveted, and remembered their loved ones.  This went on for years.   The fear.  The suffering.  The death.  And they just kept on fighting.

What's crazy is that at 31 I'm a good 10 years older than most of those men and women.  Could I do what they do?  Could any of us?  I hope so.  I think so.  Every time this country has had to step up and fight it has done so.   Americans may not be perfect.  But I'm proud of them.  America may not be perfect, but I am thankful for those that fought so we could have it.

Whatever I feel about this fight we're in now, I truly respect those that are fighting it.  And I hope they come home safely.

The Kittens are Coming!

This has been a pretty sad weekend.  My DH is in PA visiting his father.  Things are getting worse and it's just a matter of how many months til he is no longer with us.

This dwarfs my problems I know.

But it is hard not to feel lonely without DH around.  I've spent the past few days on the computer-watching tv- eating- and sleeping.  Oh right also taking a big pile of pills and suppositories.  Fun.

The cats were out of food so I took a trip to PetSmart where they were having cat adoptions.  I always torture myself by looking at the cats and imagining all the ones that aren't lucky enough to be fostered or adopted.  So I started talking to the lady running the adoptions and....

We going to foster a litter of kittens!!!!

How does this not make everything sooooo much better?

The last time we had bad news about FIL we bought a tie for Newman to wear.   Cute cats make everything better.

Okay...now for "symptoms" aka why do I torture myself?

This morning I was constipated.  Aren't you glad you know that?

I had bad stabbing pains in my lower parts last night.  Could it be the suppository I had just thrust up in there?

My back hurt a lot last night.  Oh wait, I often have back pain.

Vivid dreams....like I always have.

Actually the dream was kind of funny.  I often have night terrors.  I've had them since I was little (best moment...at a sleepover I was the first one asleep "woke up" and swore all my friends were dressed in civil war uniforms.)  so I've learned that if I think I'm covered in spiders or if looks like there is a giant in the corner....I should just go back to sleep.

But last night I "woke up" and there was this shiny little embryo looking ball that was flying towards me.  Now instead of going back to sleep, I panicked, brushed it away and ran in to the bathroom before I had my moment of clarity.  "Oh, yeah.  I'm probably dreaming."

I returned to my bed and the two grumpy cats whose beauty sleep I had disturbed.

6dpiui

I'm doing the same stupid shit I always do.  I'm looking at twoweekwait.com.  I'm googling 6dpiui.  I had to pee at 5am this morning clearly that's a sign and not just a symptom of the giant amount of liquids I've been consuming.

Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Why do I do this to myself EVERY.  FREAKING.  CYCLE?

You think I'd know better by now.   Why can't the next week go by as fast as the last week?  Why can't I go about my life and then BAM either Beta or AF.  Then I could move on to the next cycle.

The chances of me being pregnant are this slim.  Please Please Please don't get your hopes up.  Just get through this week and we'll celebrate with a Mountain Dew and a Hard Cider (not at the same time).  Cool?

5dpiui

Still exhausted.  Still a little pulling.  Some sharp pains that are somewhere between my stomach and my uterus.  Just typing that word reminds me of Homer telling Marge "It's uterUS not uterYOU".  Ahhh good times. 

I know it's still too early for symptoms.  But my hopes are rising just a teeny tiny bit.  I keep thinking this is the absolute best chance we've ever had to get pregnant.  

And my odds are still only about 15%.  

If this doesn't work there will be more.

That's how we do it here.  When there is even an inkling of hope I have to knock it down and protect myself.

4dpiu....zzzzzz

I don't know if it's the drugs, the cats that think the slightest movement in my sleep means I want to play or the fact that this is staffing season and I'm waiting to find out if I have work next season (It's looking really good) but Dang it all I am TIRED.

I'm going to assume it's the drugs.  

So this is day two of estrace and progesterone and I'm patiently waiting for sore boobies.  I have never had sore boobies and I kind of want them...for no other reason than so I can say "oh, that's what it feels like."

Probably TMI but I took my second pill vaginally last night.  I had my husband do it.   This is our conversation.

Me: Was it okay?  Were you cool doing it?

Him: It was fine.  Not sexual at all.  It was just to get the job done.

And if that isn't the perfect infertility conversation I don't know what is.

3dpiui

I know it is way to early to feel any pregnancy symptoms (especially since the odds of me actually being pregnant are slim), but for the next cycle (and the next...and the next...) I just want to point out how I feel.

I have had weird pulling in my nether regions.  Not cramps....more like a fullness with a little bit of pain.  Kinda like after you eat way to much and your stomach feels like it's going to burst.

My left ovary has been letting me know it exists.  Lots of sharp pains.  

I feel pretty bloated.  This is a new one.  I couldn't suck in my stomach this afternoon which was not good for the shirt I was wearing.

Tonight I started estrace and progesterone.  I'm taking each twice a day.  The progesterone can be taking orally or vaginally.  I figured I'd swallow my first one.  Now, as my RE warned, I am so tired I could pass out.    I expect my symptoms to increase now that I'm on the drugs.  I just have to keep on reminding myself it's the drugs.  I'm probably not pregnant.  But I could be....

Cats! Cats! Cats!

(My cats as stuffed animals)

I don't want to talk about IF today.  Today I want to talk about my cats.  

First we have Newman....

We think Newman is eleven and I've had him for about six years.  I've had my husband for about 4 and a half.  Therefore Newman is top cat.  And is there any wonder?

He's artsy...

He's a snazzy dresser...

He's flexible...

And just plain chill...

Next we have Grace.  Grace has been part of our family for about four years.  There are two things that stand out about her.  One - she is very sweet.  Two - she is very fat.  Check it out...

Sweet...

Fat...

Sweet...

Fat...

Grace has the size advantage and she always wants to cuddle with Newman (from here on out referred to as Shrooms, Pooman or just plain Poo) but it usually means Poo just gets kicked out of where ever he was hanging.  Here is an example.

First Shrooms wants to drink out of the sink...

But then Gracie sees him and wants in on the sink action.  Goodbye Poo.

But sometimes Pooman puts up with it....

And it's happy every after...

For Your Viewing Pleasure

(fakey-fake-fake)

A (fake) positive pregnancy test!

Brought to you by the good folks at Orvidrel  trigger shots.

Looking at this (fake) positive pregnancy test I wondered how I'd feel if it was a real one.  I have no idea.  It's like that part of my brain doesn't work.  IF is all about getting pregnant.  That is the goal.  My eye is on that prize.   

My thoughts don't drift to what pregnancy actually means.  I don't think I'd see a BFP and assume we're going to have a baby.  I think I'd see one and think...ok, what's the next step?  Hope my Beta is good.  Then - Hope my next Beta doubles  Then - hope I see a heartbeat  etc. etc.

Before I went through all this crap I would bookmark all these baby sites.  I'd research cribs.  I knew what stroller works best for tall girls.  I'd look at bedding.  I was :this: close to buying a glider that was on sale. (god, what an idiot I was).    Now, those bookmarks are covered with the interweb's version of dust and cobwebs.

It's like they belonged to a past life.  I don't even know the person who put them there.  But it must have been fun to get to be that excited.   To get to plan without a doubt that those plans would come true.

I wonder how long it will take from BFP (if I ever see a real one) to feeling that excitement again.   Hope I get to find out.

Tight Like a Tiger

(An image I got when I googled "cervix")

I had my IUI today.   There were amazing things and not so great things, but the bottom line is I'm lying on the couch with the best chance I've ever had to get pregnant.

My follicle count keeps getting smaller.  Today we only had one.  But that one was abig beautiful follicle already spouting.  I didn't know follicles can spout, but I guess that means they are getting ready to release the egg.  Pretty cool!

My husbands sperm....FANTASTIC NEWS.  They don't test morphology before an IUI, but they do test count and motility.  His count was up a little, but his motility rose from about 20% last time to over 80% this time!  So there was something like 30 million sperm ready for transfer this morning.  Now we also have severe morphology issues, but I'm hoping that those numbers also rose a little big.

The actual transfer.   So my body doesn't like to give anything up.  I've already talked about how I'm a hard stick.  Here's my bruised arm for proof.....

(Should have seen it at it's darkest...)

Well it turns out I'm a hard IUI too.  I don't want to brag, but my cervix is tight.  REALLY tight.  I broke several of the Doctor's catheters today.  Let just say after twenty minutes,  a cervical clamp (youch!) the words "I'm going to tug on your cervix now" and a swabbing to clean up the blood (gross!) it finally happened.   Doctor 1 - Cervix - 0.

I don't feel very positive today, but I do believe there is a chance this will work.  Beta on my father's birthday, May 29th.  POAS commences in 8ish days.  Wish me luck.

Look at that a full post and I haven't even mentioned the two babies born this week to my friends and family.

Trigger

Maybe I got a little tipsy tonight.  This was my first drink (or two) in I don't even know how long.

I also did my trigger shot.  I was a nervous.  I know it's the same size needle that I used for Lupron...but something about putting in that much liquid....I panicked.  I wasn't sure I could do it. But as it happens again and again during this journey I do what has to be done.  And also like it happens again and again...it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I feared.

So soon I should be testing (fake) positive!

99 Thanks for Visiting the 99¢ Store

Check out my stash.  Pretty impressive isn't it?  Ok, honestly that's not mine.  That's my best friend's. Mine were already bagged.  But trust me my 99¢ pregnancy tests are just as bountiful.

I trigger Friday Night for an IUI on Sunday.  Should be fun.  What will definitely be fun is testing out that trigger.  I can't way to see positive pregnancy tests no matter why they're positives.

And why is my friend buying a ton of tests, too? (Sweet alliteration!)  She went off the pill a few months ago and hasn't gotten her AF yet.  So I have now taught her the art of the OPK and the beauty of the cheap Pregnancy Test.

This is an exciting time for us.  Who will win the conception race?  And when she does how much will I hate her?  Only time will tell!

A Good Day

So many good things today:

My favorite nurse got my blood with only one poke (compared to the FIVE and twenty minutes of digging on my last visit....until we gave up without giving blood)

I found out I'm doing an easy trigger shot in the stomach instead of a big ol' needle in the butt.

I have two very pretty follies that will hopefully finally let me see a positive pregnancy test. (but honestly I think since I'm triggering I might just have to POAS to see that positive)

My husband is taking me to San Fran on Saturday to see my beloved NY Mets play.  

And professionally me and my writing partner kicked ASS today!  This is our staffing season which means we meet with lots of different people and hope that one of them will hire us.  Today we NAILED our interview.  I think it's not a matter of will we work but where will we work. Plus our agent called our pilot idea "genius".  And I kind of agree.  How cool to be excited to write again?

Happy Days!

I Need to Remember This

A mother of 2 (through IVF) posted this on our board today....

The most beautiful stones are washed by the waters and polished to brilliance through life's strongest storms.

--Irish proverb

Mother's Day

I got a great gift today.  I occasionally post and ALWAYS read on the Nest TTTC board (Trouble Trying to Conceive...a name that doesn't quite fit the crap the wonderful women on that board have gone through).  One of those ladies organized an angel exchange and had the fantastic idea to open our angels on Mother's Day.  A day that you can imagine, is not an infertile's favorite day.

So this morning I got to open my beautiful angel and card from  RosieDoll.  First off let me just say how excited I am for RosieDoll who gets to celebrate this Mother's Day with the BEST gift...a BFP!  

This angel couldn't have come at a better time.  As anyone (does anyone?) who reads this blog would know the past few days have been among the hardest of my life.  With my FIL's horrible prognosis, my canceled IVF and lots of other little things that seem extremely insignificant...I felt like I was given too much to handle.  My angel is COURAGE.  The thing I need the most right now.   Thank you again RosieDoll.

As I type this I'm in my house with my parents.  My mom and dad who the moment I called up crying about FIL, DH out of town and IVF, knew I needed them and by the end of the phone call were packing to drive the 6 hours to be with me.    So instead of this Mother's Day being a sad one I was giving Courage and reminded what an incredible and supportive mother (and father) I have.  

What a great thing.

GAME OVER

IVF #1 is cancelled.   We'll do a medicated IUI with only a 10-12% success rate.

FUCK.

But since I said I'd try to be more positive, here is a really great thing.

I called my mom crying.  I said two sentence.  #1 I dropped Jeremy (DH) off at the airport. (he's going home til Monday to see his dad).  #2 They canceled the IVF.

As I finished that last sentence she said, "we'll be there in 7 hours" and her and my dad packed and jumped in the car and are now driving from Phoenix to Los Angeles so I don't have to be alone right now. 

How cool is that?

Unhappy Birthday to Me

Yesterday was my birthday.  31.  A very unexciting year to be.

And yesterday was probably in the top 5 worst days of my life.

We found out my FIL's cancer is pretty aggressive.  Yesterday they gave him weeks or months to live. 

(I know the following pale in comparison to the previoius - but I'm listing them anyway)

I had a really hard blood draw.  I HATE needles.  And yesterday, as two nurses tried to dig around and find a vein it was just proof that I'm not a wuss...I'm a SUPER hard stick.

I thought I was going to start stims but my estrogen level came back elevated so now it looks like there is a chance we'll have to cancel this IVF.

All this piled on top of the regular stress I have.....

And yet this morning is another day.  I feel better.  I'm not crying non-stop.  I'm surprised at my optimism. 

Here is hoping this is the last downer post for a long time.  Nothing but good news from now on.

2009 Can Bite Me

This has been the hardest year of my life.   No question.

My FIL was diagnosed with Stage Four stomach cancer.  Earth Shattering.  Add to it, it was the day we closed on our house sucking any joy out of that little nugget.  We always thought his dad would love our garden, now he might never see it.    The next month we found out we would have to do IVF... now I am more comfortable with this, but then it felt like our world was crashing down AGAIN.   My work was so stressful I broke out in hives and have had crazy high blood pressure.  We ended up owing a shitload more in taxes than we even thought.  My job is up in the air right now and the taxes and IVF has taken a huge bite of our savings.  Tomorrow is my birthday but my FIL will be getting the results of a CatScan that could very tell him the cancer has spread despite the chemo.   My FIL might never get to see his grandkids.  Talk about pressure for an IVF cycle.   Today I dropped a glass jar of garlic.  :op

Despite this shit storm I know I have a pretty great life.  We can afford to pay those taxes.  We can pay for IVF without going into debt (at least this time).  We can live on one salary (we just have to cut back).  His dad has great insurance and is being taken care of by excellent doctors. 

My husband and I have battled every storm and come out stronger on the other side.  I love him more now than ever before and it is comforting to know that tragedy brings us together and doesn't tear us apart.

Sigh.... I know my last few posts have been downers.  I'm just sick of this.  Sick of the storms.  Sick of the shots....sick of the sick.

But I'm still optimistic.  Isn't that sick?

Guess What I'm Getting for My Birthday?

Menopur Burn.

Looks like we're not starting stims tonight, but in two days on my birthday.

Emotionally I feel fine.  Physically I am overwhelmingly tired.

I'm not depressed, but I feel like one of those depression ads on TV....  tired, mopey, nothing excites me, just want to wear PJs and sit on the couch.  What's weird is I'm just lying here.  I don't even have the TV on.  

My poor husband.  What did he get himself in to?

All By Myself

IF is lonely isn't it?  

Today I felt a need to have my husband at the RE with me on Monday.  I don't know why.  I guess cause we're going to start Stimming and its kind of a big deal.  It'd be nice to have someone there when I get my blood draw.  Nice to have him see all that I go through each appointment.  Nice to have someone besides myself learn how to do the mixing of the drugs.  Just nice to have someone with me.

I mentioned it in passing.  He can't.  He has a lot of work tomorrow.  I played it off like it was no big deal.  He could tell it was.  He started trying to rearrange his schedule.  I love him for that.  But I told him not to worry about it.  I don't need him there.  I'll be fine.  

By Myself.  The way most of this journey has been.

Somehow that last sentence doesn't seem fair.   My husband is fantastic.  He is supportive.  Helpful.  He lets me rant and rave and cry and moan and he is always there to pick me back up.  (not physically....he might be able to lift my massive girth, but i won't let him try).  He does everything he can.  There is just a limit to what he can do.  He can't take the shots.  He can't get the blood drawn.  He can't get the hot flashes, the cramps, the headaches.   He can just hold me when I do.  And most of the time that is more than enough.

I'm Not as Strong as I Thought

I broke down yesterday.  

I didn't see it coming.   I thought I was being so strong through all of this.  I was so proud of myself.  Then I called my BFF and told her about my RE appointment.  Told her about the difficult blood draw - and how I'm going to have to do it EVERY OTHER DAY.  Told her about the intermuscular shots that I am terrified of.  Told her about the ER and how I'm getting nervous.

And then I started crying.  I had been exhausted all day and I guess this was why.  All this stress is on my shoulders and it's not going away.

The old me (pre-IF) was unbelievably terrified of needles.  A story my family likes to tell is me at the doctor's office about to get a shot.  Instead I screamed bloody murder, ran down the hall and locked myself in to the bathroom.  After numerous F bombs and a crying hissy fit they finally got me out of there by promising no shot.  Did I mention I was 17?  

So as I got older I would get a blood draw once in a blue moon.  I would be stressed leading up to it.  SUPER scared while they prepped my arm.  But then it was done.  BAM.  OVER.  And I got to be proud of myself and go home knowing it would be a long time before that had to happen again.

Well the problem with IVF (and fucking IF in general) is that you go through just as stressful a situation, and when it's over you can't really celebrate because it's not over.  You're going to have to do it again right away.  And sometimes you have to do something even worse and even scarier.

Everytime you get use to something horrible - blood draws - Lupron injections - stim injections...  There is something worse around the corner.  ER and an IV - PIO injections - maybe a bfn.

I am proud of myself.  I'm proud of what I can do.  I'm a stronger person than I ever realized.  But boy am I scared.   Boy am I tired.  Boy do I cry a lot.  

But boy this could really be worth it.

Good and Bad

Big news at the RE's office.

My lining is still not gone so we won't be starting stims til Monday.

But I learned I'll be doing 75 units of Menpur and 150 of Breville AND my RE is going to give me some free ones!. - GOOD

I learned my HSG trigger will be intermuscular and I will most likely end up on PIO.  - BAD

I learned my ovaries look good and there are 4 follicles on each side. - GOOD

I learned my favorite nurse is going on maternity leave soon so another one had to take my blood today - BAD.

So 50/50 bad good?  that works for me!