BFN

I was not surprised.  I've been testing since 3dp5dt and saw nothing but bright white.  

It sucks.  No doubt.

It sucked every time I saw a white pee stick.

It sucked having to take the stupid PIO shots that gave me stupid night sweats even though I knew I wasn't pregnant.

It sucked having to get poked several times today to get enough blood to tell me I'm not pregnant.

It sucked when my RE called and gave me sad voice.

It sucked when that RE mentioned this might be an egg quality issues since someone my age should have more than one kid out of all the eggs I made.

It sucked when the fear came back....will it ever happen again?

What doesn't suck?  This time when I was trying to hold back my tears my 13 month old daughter....the most amazing girl in the world....climbed into my lap and hugged me.

Yes it was a BFN but I am still so FUCKING lucky.  I'm a Mom.

Should get AF on Christmas Day (joy) and start cycling for my next IVF in February.

Today Was the Day

Transfer days are different when you have a child.  I spend my drive in to work crying tears of gratitude again at the thought that the "Mom" necklace I wear is mine regardless of what happens today.

We got to the Transfer place early (maybe because it was an excuse to leave work early...).   The first words out of the receptionist's mouth was "Arlene needs to speak to you."  Immediately I assume something is wrong.  Nope. Just needed to pay.

So we sit in the waiting room with other couples....couples with that desperate look that I had for so many years.  I wanted to let them know it does get better.  It gets so SO much better.  But instead I waited the wait of someone whose whole life does not rest on the outcome of this transfer.  As my DH put it "We're playing with house money now".  We already got lucky.

But then we kept waiting.   Every other couple went back to have their retrievals or their transfers.  We were alone.  Even the receptionist went to lunch.  And my mind started racing.    Thinking of all the worst case scenarios.

My RE showed up and told us the wait was just because the lab was backed up.  It had nothing to do with us.   But she did have news on our embryos.  They thawed the first two and they only looked so-so.  So they were now thawing the last two.  We'd find out how those were doing in a few minutes.

We finally go back to the transfer room and we get the update.  The last two thawed well and were looking "good."  I asked does that mean Awesome, Really nice, or just fine.   My RE said "good".  She explained that since they were thawed more recently the hadn't fully plumped up yet so they could get great.  But for now good was all we were going to get.

I feel like an embryo expert because of my IVFs, my BFFs IVFs and the countless photos I've seen online.  But looking at the picture of my thawed Embryos I could not tell a dang thing.  

So a speculum, u/s, catheter placement later and the embryologist came out and informed my RE that the two good embryos had plumped up and looked great.  We were now working with 2 "Very Good" embryos!

Transfer went well.  The U/S tech, nurse and RE kept complimenting my "cavity" (humble brag).  My RE said a prayer over us (brought me to tears).  And now we wait.

Tomorrow

My FET is scheduled for tomorrow.

I feel so many things right now.

I'm feeling sore from the PIO shots.  What the heck?  I had a butt of steal the last few times.

I'm feeling awe at how easy (comparitively) a FET is.  It doesn't feel real that tomorrow I will (hopefully) have embryos aboard.

I'm feeling nervous.   I've had two transfers before this - both fresh IVFs.  The first one I found out that only one blast (and a half assed one at that) had made it.   The second gave me Bea.  That's a 50% chance of crappy news tomorrow or a 50% chance of good news which leads me to:

I'm feeling excited.  This really could work.  We haven't told any of our parents we're doing this.  We have both gotten the "When are you trying for #2" questions and we have shrugged them off.  Why?  Because last time we told them we were pregnant it wasn't that happy fairy tale moment.  It was more of a "I'm technically pregnant, but the betas are low so don't get your hopes up".

IF we get pregnant this cycle we'll have a beta or two under our belts by Christmas.  We'll wrap a book about being a big sister and have Bea open it in front of everyone.  We'll even get to record the moment.  God I want one of those...one of those happy, no fear, pure excitement "We're Pregnants!" like on youtube (BTW do yourselves a favor and watch them ...you'll cry your eyes out).  IF we get pregnant this cycle I promise I will let myself get excited.

But if it doesn't work that's okay too.  Why?

I feel SO VERY LUCKY AND BLESSED to have Bea.  My sweet, sweet daughter.  The greatest thing in my life.  Knowing how much I love her now I realize how deeply my PPD ran.   I missed out on so much of her early life because I just was not myself.  I would really love a chance to do it again.  But if that doesn't happen I am still the luckiest person in the world.

A co-worker left a few weeks ago and he sent out a fun email with predictions of where we would all be in a few months.  His prediction for my best friend and I was that we would be breastfeeding in the office making my easily grossed out by lady things boss uncomfortable.    Because that is who we are.  We're mothers.  It took me 3 years and 2 IVFs to get here, but I'm here.  It took my BFF even more IVFs but now she has a son.  No matter how hard our journey to get here was it doesn't change the fact that we are seen as mothers, because we ARE mothers.  I'm a mom.  If I show up tomorrow and there are 0 embryos left.  If I never make another embryo again.  It doesn't change that.  I'm a mom.  I'm Bea's mom.....Wow.

12.6.11

Lining between a 9.6 and 10.   FET scheduled for a week from today.    We won't know if anything made the thaw until we get there. 

PIO shots start Thursday night.  

Holy Crap.

12.1.11

Today my lining was at a 7.7.   Estrace moved up to 2mg 3x a day.

My best friend just had her son.  There is nothing like being in a maternity ward to pump up your desire to have another baby.

Next RE appt. on Tuesday.  Getting my butt psyched up for the PIO shots....

I Make Good Lining

If there is one thing that I normally don't have to worry about in a cycle, it's my lining.  This cycle is no different.  Things are progressing nicely.  I go in for bloodwork tomorrow - another U/S on Thursday and then if all goes well my FET will be somwhere between 12/13 and 12/16.  Which means I could have one hell of a Christmas gift.

CD 1

Those of us who have been through IF know what CD1 means.  Sometimes CD1 can be a kick in the gut.  Proof that a cycle has failed.  And some CD 1s can be a sign of hope.  The start of something new.

That's what this CD1 is.  I start Estrace on Wednsday for our FET #1.  

I Knew It

I don't do anything half assed.  Month 1 of TTC I already had the ovulation tests out.    The preseed.  The temping.  All of it.  Little did I know it would all be kind of useless and it would take us years and lots of procedures to finally get our sweet Bea.

Those ovulation tests were not wasted money however.  I noticed that my period came very close to my ovulation.  Too close.  I suspected by month 3 that I might have progesterone issues.

 Fast forward years and my first IVF.  After transfer I never had another blood test because I was at my FIL's funeral.  My period started four days after transfer.   If I had tested my progesterone I'm sure it would have been low.

2nd IVF (that gave me my perfect DD) - I had the progesterone test and as anyone (no one) who reads this blog would know my RE called to tell me despite taking PIO shots every night my progesterone was dangerously low and I needed to double it.     I was not allowed to stop those shots til almost 16 weeks.

Clearly something was up.

And this cycle - Cycle #1 of TTC #2 - I got even more proof.    I took ovulation tests and got a smilie face.  Since I told my RE about my progesterone concerns she tested my Prog at 8dpo to see if I needed supplements.

She called.  "You didn't ovulate."  What?!  So the next day I'm in her office getting wanded.  And all the signs say I did ovulate.  My lining.  A giant blood filled cyst (that RE said happens after ovulation).  The one thing that says I didn't was my progesterone....it was at a 1.  A freaking 1!  We retested that day and it doubled to a whopping 2.1.     That's insane.  My IVF#2 freakout was about progesterone at an 8.4.

So as I type this I'm taking two progesterone supplements a day.  One up and one down if you know what I mean.  Tomorrow I might POAS.  We'll see.

My hope is not high for this cycle.  We're MFI so even knowing I ovulated chances are slim.  What I am feeling is excited.  I was a little freaked out about getting back on this train, but now I'm ready for it.

Bea is so amazing right now.  The first 6 months of her life were very hard for me.  PPD, MRSA, breastfeeding issues - Now it's just 100% happiness and complete awe that this wonderful, smart, adorable little girl is mine.  I feel nothing but joy and hopefulness and I can't wait to see what's in store for us.

I can't wait to do the baby thing again.  If I am ever lucky enough to do it again.  This time I'll get help for my PPD.  This time I won't have a chunk of my stomach cut out.  This time I won't hate myself if I can't breastfeed.    This time I'll have sweet Bea next to me.

Let's go further back - to my pregnancy with Bea.  I was so worried something would go wrong I never got to enjoy it.  If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again - This time I will be happy.  This  time I will get excited.  This time I will bond with him/her.  This time I'll tell my parents in a way other than "We're pregnant...for now."

And even further back.  These cycles I will not have that blood curdling fear "What if I can never have children?".  I will not have to avoid places that are full of kids - in fact I get to bring my kid with me.

I'm on the train - but this one is so much nicer.

Choo Choo

Got the wand again today.  Two big follicles (one on each side) racing to see who will ovulate first.  The plan is ovulation tests.  Regular old sex.  Test progesterone and supplement as needed.  The end.


Odds low.  But low is not zero.

And we're back on the baby train.

Yes or No

Pre-Bea I would joke with the RE that I had a cervix of steel.  I have literally broken/bent/ruined a half dozen catheters through my IUIs and Embryo transfers.  I was expecting the same today.  Instead the catheter went right in.   Oh, right.  I basically pushed a bowling ball through there.  I guess things have changed.

I went to the RE today to make sure my UTE was empty and ready for the next step.  It wasn't.  There's something in there.  Not sure what it is yet.  It's either a little something that will leave during my next period or it's a polyp.  A polyp will mean surgery to remove it.  I don't want that.

So now me and my cervix of sticks/straw are waiting for next cycle to see if the mystery object leaves on its own or if we have to do something about it.  It's nothing dangerous.  If I wasn't TTC we'd just let it be. But if it is a polyp it could prevent implantation or lead to miscarriage.

That brings me to this cycle.  DH and I are deciding if we want to be proactive this month.  If the answer is yes I'll go back to the RE on Tuesday and get the wand again.  If everything looks good I'll get my blood drawn and see what my progesterone is doing.  I have always had a suspicion that I have some major progesterone issues.  My luteal phase has always been short.  I have moments of anxiety. Both issues of people with low progesterone.  I also had to take a large amount of prog. supplements to sustain Bea's pregnancy.  

So we'll test my progesterone and probably supplement and do old fashion ovulation tests and sex and see if miracles happen.

Or we could not do anything.  No early morning appointments.  No blood draws.  No freaking out.  No 2ww.  We could just relax until the big FET.

I'll let you know what we choose.

It Begins Again

The Long Road Ahead

Today I went back to the RE.    It was just the preliminary workup.  We scheduled blood work.  Got the wand (looks like I just O'ed).  Everything looks good.

The second I started driving towards the office my body knew what was happening.  Each step made my heart beat faster.  The freeway exit.  The parking structure.  The office building.  The right floor.  The office.

It knew what this all meant.  Months and months of heartache, pain (both mental and physical) and disappointment.

We went over a schedule for my FET.  Looks like sometime in December might work out.  An awesome Christmas present or a sad reminder that we have to work hard to build our family.

I have four blasts left.  She said one was really good, two were good and one was okay.  She rated them 3 Bs and a C.

My head immediately went to Why no As?  This isn't going to work.  I'll have to do more IVFs.  Pain, Sadness, Fear....

I have Bea now.  Sweet, wonderful, perfect Bea.  I know all the failed FETs in the world can't take her away.   If this is my family I am unbelievably lucky.  I feel bad wanting more.  Like I'm pushing my luck. And yet there were other feelings that came back today.  In the middle of the fear, sadness, anxiety... there was hope and desire the knowledge that I'm here to fight.

7 Months

I haven't visited this blog in a while. Don't know what drew me to it today. But I checked out some comments and noticed I got my first judgemental one! I don't know why I'm so excited about that. Makes me feel like a real blogger I guess.

Anonymous (isn't that always the case?) if you are reading this , thank you for opening my eyes. Because you took the time out of what I can only imagine is a busy, fufilling and contented life, (I mean why else would you take the time to comment on some strangers blog unless you were happy with your own life) I now realize that yes I am an unfit mother. God knew it. That's why he made me infertile. If only you came in to my life sooner I would have saved my family a lot of heartache.

Now back to those of us who weren't blessed by god to not need an MD to get pregnant.

As hard as the first 5 months were for me, the past 2 have been incredible. I have the absolute best baby in the world. I would spend every second with her if I could. She's so smart and fearless. She's already crawling. Says "mama". She loves the water and is desperate to grab at the cats. I mean look at this kid!

I have never felt a need to hide my infertility. I'm not embarassed by it. Instead I'm proud. I'm proud of how tough I was for all those years. All the fears I had to face. How such a horrible time in our lives just brought my husband and I together. And all of it, every shot, every tear, every second of fear was entirely worth it. I want those of you who stumble on this blog using search terms like IVF or infertility to know that though you will never be the same, it does get so much better.

I am also not embarassed to admit how hard the first few months of motherhood were for me. Maybe it's just a normal thing that happens to some women (I have certainly met a lot of other mother who had similar feelings). Maybe it has to do with a kind of post tramatic stress that IF brought me ( I never let myself get attached to Bea while she was an inside baby). Maybe it was hormones. Or maybe anonymous was right and it's because I'm an unfit mother. Whatever the reason if any of you out there is feeling this right now let me tell you that this too gets better. Oh man, it gets so much better. It becomes everything you fantasized motherhood would be.

One year ago today...

Was my egg retrieval. What a difference a year makes.

2 months old

My RE told me that I can start trying for #2 when Bea is 7 months old. That's in June. May I'll be back at the RE getting tested. Crazy right?

Until then you can see Bea grow on her own blog

Babybeasblog.blogspot.com