216

My RE's nurse called.  I picked up the phone.  Said "Hello"?  And she said "Could you hold on a minute?"  and took another call!

Longest minute ever.

She came back and said "You're beta is 216 so you are definitely pregnant."

When I joked with her about the minute, she said if she calls it's usually good news.  If the doctor calls then it's usually bad.

She called with the last Beta too.   So even though it made for a long weekend - that 69 I guess was good news too.

Now worry wart that I am started thinking "That's a doubling time of 43 hours.... Bea's were in the mid-30s...".

I texted that to my BFF and she reminded me I said if I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant again I would enjoy the pregnancy and not worry the entire time.

I was going to respond with something like "I'll stop worrying after the heartbeat or the NT scan or the..." But I stopped.  I'm just going to enjoy this.  My beta was right where it needed to be.  I'm pregnant.

Almost There....

I survived the weekend.   By this time tomorrow I'll either be elated or devastated.

Crazy how one phone call can do that to a girl, huh?

69

47 hours later and my beta went from 37 to 69.

Not a true double.   Fuck.

I feel like I'm being punished.  Punished for getting my hopes up.  Punished for planning how I was going to tell my parents.  Punished for even believing it would be this "easy".

So now I have a shitty weekend ahead of me as I wait for Monday's Beta.

Fuck.

6dp5dt

I woke up this morning and decided not to test.  I know early morning tests are not as dark as evening tests for me.  I know what I saw yesterday.  I'm pregnant.  (for now).

Besides I knew I was going to call the RE and try to get a beta so that was more important.

I got up and peed.

This is way TMI so you might want to skip to the next paragraph) and had morning sickness...from my butt.  Seriously I read that a lot of women don't throw up.  They....well.  I'm sure you understand.

Got back in bed.  Got up to pee again.  Back in bed.  Then I started to notice that I wasn't bloated at all.  And I was having crampies and tuggies.  Instead I felt GREAT.  So of course I freaked.   I'm really good at freaking.   Give me a inch of rope and I'll hang myself with it.

I peed on a stick.    The same kind as I got my BFP on 4dp5dt.   I had just peed.  It was the morning (not my best time).   But the line was still there.  And it was a lot darker than it was on Monday.   Phew.

I called the RE and told them I've been getting positives since Monday.   They told me it was the trigger. I explained to them I had gotten a negative before the positives.  The lines were getting darker and darker.  This was the day I got my first Beta with Bea.   And damn it I'm pregnant!  They said a Beta wouldn't be accurate.  But if you want a beta you big baby we'll get you one.  (okay those were my words not theirs).

Bea's beta at 6dp5dt - 17
My beta today at 6dp5dt 37

Woohoo!

The bloat came back toward the middle of the day.  So did the crampies and tuggies.  Things I normally love to eat were not appealing (which I guess I could chalk up to nerves).  I was lying down and all of a sudden felt dizzy and nauseous. I had to cancel a play date I really wanted to go on.  I slept for 2 hours and could have slept for more (woken up for beta results).  I think I'm just one of those people who things hit at night.   I hope when I wake up feeling great tomorrow I'll remember that and not freak out all over again.

5dp5dt

This was the day I got my first BFP with Bea.   I didn't think I was pregnant and it was such a shock.

I knew I wasn't pregnant this time.  It was a bad day when I came to that conclusion.  I don't want to have to do this again.  But i will.   I'll do it over and over and over.  I always wanted many kids.  3 - 4 -5.  Please don't let IF keep me at one.  Yes one super, amazing, perfect kid that I am endlessly grateful for.  But I want to get to choose my family.  And my family has always been kidS.

Why did I come to that conclusion?  I have had ZERO symptoms.   Certainly not that "feels like AF is coming" cramps that all the girls with BFPs ask the boards about roughly 3dp5dt.

Instead on my 3dp5dt I woke up feeling fantastic.  No cramps.  No low energy.  No change of appetite.  I felt so good I could conquer the world.  Which was horrible news.  No symptoms.

Well not no symptoms.  I was taking naps in the middle of the day, but that could be chalked up to the fact that I could (still milking the taking it easy thing).

I had horrible night sweats on night 2dp5dt.  And I've had some vivid dreams.  In fact I even had a dream I had a son and showed my mom a positive pregnancy test.

So I took that as a sign to test on 4dp5dt.   FMU.   Negative.  Not really a shock.  I mean it's super early.  And I was clearly not pregnant.

That evening I got a special delivery from Amazon.  A ton of cheapie pregnancy tests.  So I had to use them, right?

Imagine my surprise when I saw this.....

night of 4dp5dt

My husband saw it too.  He's usually the one telling me I'm crazy.  So then the freak out begins.  I'm pretty sure my trigger is long gone.  I mean that was 11 days ago.  My triggers never stay around for long.

Just for a second thinking I could be pregnant brought on a bunch of symptoms.  The (small) crampies.  The tuggies.  I'm very bloated and can't suck my stomach in at all.  I'm tired.  Not just nap tired.  Like I can't do much activity tired.

So this morning of 5dp5dt I tested again.  The line was still there.  Maybe a little darker.  Maybe a little lighter.  Not sure.  But there.   I know my FMU is never as...potent?....as later in the day so I figured I'd wait to this evening to test again.

Easy to keep away from the pee sticks since I was in jury duty (managed to read all 374 pages of Huger Games as I waited).

I came home and peed.   Look for yourself.

I'd say that's pretty clear.   I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and see if I can get in for a Beta.  If not I have a progesterone and estrogen check on Thursday and they better put a beta in there too.

That line is a lot darker than Bea's line on the same day.  Hopefully we'll see a strong beta.  (stronger than Bea's 17).   My husband thinks it's twins.

One.  Two.  Four.  I don't care.  Just let my family feel complete.

Brrrr

I have two frosties!  A Grade B blast and a Grade C blast.   Though it is WONDERFUL/AWESOME/AMAZING to have frosties,  IF this cycle doesn't work I am going to do another fresh.

Now as for this cycle.  I found out the hatching blast and the compacting blast they but back were both graded B.  I'm just fine with that.

Zero symptoms (duh).  And man Bedrest is really, really boring.  Remind me I said that back when I'm on Bea duty and don't get to nap in the middle of the day.

ET for IVF#3

Today didn't start off well.  I'm kind of a nerd about getting to treatments on time (read: waaaay early).  Of course today - the day of transfer - traffic was insane.  At 6 am.  Bumper to bumper traffic.    Gotta love LA.

So there goes the calming meditation I was planning for the drive there.

I got to the office and things turned around.  Sweet nurses.  A full bladder.  And then the news that I had 3 compacting blasts and ONE HATCHING BLAST.  I have never EVER had a naturally hatching blast at transfer.  

So the hatching blast and one of the compacting got put back in in a basically flawless transfer.  Now we wait.

I feel really optimistic.  I hate having hope.  But I have it.

Of course I wouldn't be me if I didn't have something to worry about.  I'm being having stomach cramps off and on today.  Here's hoping that doesn't damage the implanting that I hope is going on right now.

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down

Got my 3 day fertility report.   Good news is another embryo made it so I have 11.

That's the only good news.

Of those 11 not a single one is over 6 cells.  At this point really great embryos are at 8 cells.   Babies are made from 6 cell embryos...but the odds just shrunk.

I don't want to do this again.  It never gets easier.  Instead when I get used to one thing another comes up. I didn't mention how the nurse at retrieval botched putting the IV in and she was digging into my hand for easily 5 minutes.  A brand new shitty thing.   Also the pain after retrieval - new to me.  I'm still feeling pretty crappy.

So if this cycle doesn't work.  And let's face facts - odds are it won't.  (yes...I know it could happen, but really my track record is not one of those on the good side of the odds).  What horrors with the next cycle bring?   I'm really just sick and tired of this shit.  I'm done.  At least I want to be, but I can't.  I'm the one that has to keep pushing forward if we're going to have the family we want.

My family's future is resting on my ability to put up with this.  I'm not letting them down.

Add to that pressure (or probably because I don't see a way out of it) the depression I had when Bea was first born is trying to rear it's ugly head again.   This just sucks.

How sick is it that I'm this defeated and we haven't even gotten to transfer?

What's left to transfer - as shitty as they are - will be put back in my ute on Thursday morning.

Hoping for a miracle here.

Thank God we have Bea.  She is the extremely bright spot in all of this.

10

I'm feeling much better today.  Like I can do this again and again if I have to.  Hopefully I won't have to.

So yesterday they got 14 eggs.  My Doc said 9 or 10 looked mature enough to maybe fertilize.

So we waited for the fertilization report today.   I started to talk myself down.  If 5 fertilized it's okay.  There's still a chance.  You only need one embryo to have a chance, right?

Then we got the call.  Of those 9 or 10 that could have fertailized....  ALL TEN DID!!!

100% fertilization rate?!  Are you kidding me!  The average is something like 75%.  I feel extremely lucky right now.   But what's crazy is I don't feel lucky like I'm gonna get pregnant in the next few weeks.  I feel lucky like I my spirits are high again so I can do this.  I can do this as many times as I need to.

Next step:  on Valentine's day we find out how those 10 are doing.  Fingers crossed.

Ouch

I'm not going to lie.  I'm sore.  More sore than after any other ER.  After my other two I was a little sore but by the end of the day it was all good.   It's almost 8pm and dang.  I really hurt.

When we were parking this morning my husband pulled in to spot 414.  I told him that means we'll get 14 eggs.  He said we should move to spot 418 then.  I should have told him to, because we did in fact get 14 eggs.  More than my previous cycles.  The doctor said she though 9 or 10 would fertilized since some looked immature.  I'll take it.  We find out tomorrow.

Another difference between this ER and my last ones is that I remember EVERYTHING that happened between getting the twilight and being put out.  I don't know if it's because the meds were less or because I willed myself to remember everything.  But it made me more comfortable with everything.  When he told me "Ok, now you're going to go to sleep" I was ready.

I don't know how I feel about all this.  Hopeful?  No.  Defeated?  Nope.  Numb...maybe.  We'll see what tomorrow's fertility report says.  That my change my mood.

One thing I do feel is:  Since my other ERs were so painless I was very comfortable with the idea of just going from ER to ER until something sticks.  Now that I feel like this...it's harder for me to think like that. I know it's what we'll do (if we have to), but I don't want to think about it right now.

Triggered

Today's monitoring appointment made me feel better than yesterday's.   The biggest follicle didn't grow much more.  And the others are starting to catch up.  My Right Ovary is a super trooper.  There are about 9 follicles there that might be something.  Leftie has 5 (plus a bunch of little ones).

Now obviously some might not be mature enough.  Some might be too mature.  Some follicles might be empty.  But there's a good chance we'll have something to work with.

I took a final anti-ovulating shot at 11.   A little extra Gonal F at 2pm.  And then I triggered at 10pm.   As with every time I take a HCG shot to trigger I am expecting to wake up cramping tonight.  Fun.

Back to the monitoring appointment, when the dildo cam showed what we were working it the nurse went "whoa!".  My ovaries are HUGE and I am really feeling them today.  Sore and bloated is the name of the game for the next few days.

Retrieval should be a bit of a relief.  

And since this is a pretty rambling post - here's what freaks me out a bit about retrieval.   During my first retrieval the IV went in and the next thing I remember is waking up.  (I foggely remember telling my husband to take a picture of me in  the hospital bed hooked up to the machines - Me wanting a picture of myself?  You know I was still pretty drugged up).  

But what I heard later is that that IV didn't put me to sleep.  It was something called Twilight where you're totally conscious, you just don't remember any of it.  Apparently I gave them my name.  Joked a little.  And then climbed into the operating table.  THEN they put me to sleep.

I HATE that idea.  It really freaked me out.  So the next retrieval I told myself to pay attention to EVERYTHING.  And when I woke up I had a memory of climbing onto the table.  That's it.

Creepy right?!  My mom says she likes going under for surgeries because you just wake up and it's done. I am not like that.   I like being in control.  I like knowing everything that's going on.  I like asking questions.    The idea that there is at least an hour of my life that I have no say in is horrible.

But I do it.  Isn't that what this whole process is?  Facing your fears and overcoming them.  Over and Over again.   Because  nothing is as terrifying as not having the family you want.

Now that's scary.

Trigger Tomorrow

Today's doctor's appointment wasn't awesome.  I've still got about 12+ follicles.  The problem is some are way bigger than others.  My biggest is at a 21.  My smaller ones at a 13.

So my RE had to figure out when to trigger.  Do we trigger tonight and risk the smaller ones not being ready or do we trigger tomorrow night and risk the bigger ones being too "ripe".

We're triggering tomorrow.  And I'm nervous.

I know the odds of me ovulating early have more to do with my estrogen level than the size of that big follicle.  I know the ovulation suppressing drugs I'm on work in the large majority of cases (and in my case last cycle).  I know I'm probably going to be fine.  I just can't shake the fear.

And then there is the more real fear.  What if half these follicles are garbage because of the weird timing?   Perhaps I just got greedy with my previous retrievals.  I know it just takes one good egg to make one good embryo to make one great sibling for Bea.

So tomorrow I trigger.  Let's hope that egg is there.

Holding Steady

I won't bore anyone with the nitty gritty (thyroid up, sugar getting tested on Monday).

But in Follicle news I've got 14 that we can see right now.  This time last cycle I had ten visible.  These follicles are a little bigger than this time last cycle and my lining is already up to a 6.6 when last time at this point it was under a 3.

What's that mean?  I don't know.  Last cycle I stimmed for 10 days.  Maybe this cycle it'll be 9 or 10.  Which will have me triggering Thursday-ish for a Saturday retrievel.  We'll see.

So we're doing well.  I stay on the same drugs til Sunday when I get to add two more shots to my routine.  Luveris and Cetrotide.  

Third Time's the... Eh.

Day 2 of stimming

IVF #1 - Holy crap we're doing this!
IVF #2 - Whatever.  It won't work anyway.
IVF #3 - Holy crap, why the fuck am I doing this?

I'm really surprised at the hostility I'm feeling toward each injection.  It's really hitting me this cycle how incredibly unfair it is that most people just screw and get knocked up and I have to suffer just to have a shot at it.

Even in the throws of IF pre-Bea I didn't feel the bitter too often.  It was usually the scared and the sad and the desperate.  I guess having Bea frees me of those feelings and it's really just pure bitter right now.