We Have a Heartbeat

Well, according to my RE it's not technically a "heart" yet, because it's too early for organs. And it's not pumping blood it's pumping fluids. But whatever it was...it was there.

Baby is measuring right on time. It's crazy how much more there was at this ultrasound than the last a mere 5 days ago. Last time it was a sac and a blur. Now there's a sac and a non-descript white thing. And it's awesome!

Today....later today....maybe tomorrow if I don't have the guts....I'm going to buy pregnancy books on Amazon. DH and I have been pretty cautious about buying things...as if it will jinx us. But we agreed when we see heartbeat we could buy a book or two. A stroller? That might be after my water breaks.

I want to take a minute to thank each and every one of you who read this. For Annie who was my angel last IVF sending me free meds all the way from the East Coast. Still now...9 months later, I think of how much that gesture meant to me. To Suzie (who has an amazing blog for those that choose/needed to formula feed) you have been there everyday for the last 2+ years of this. You have only ever said things to make me feel better which is amazing considering the landmines you had to navigate around. To those who have beaten IF and have been very comforting during these past extremely scary weeks. You have no idea how each "that happened to me" or "not a big deal" has calmed me down.

And finally to those still struggling with IF...if you're even still around. I know I used to stop going to blogs at this point because it was just too painful.... There is no reason this should be me and not you. It's unfair. This whole fucking thing is so unfair. People long removed from this hell say it was the worst time in their lives. And it lasts years....fucking years. And even when you get to this point....it still takes from you. Every second of the past 3 weeks I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like an imposter. I assume with ever cramp, every day I'm not sick, every time the ultrasound wand is inserted that this will be over and I'll be back to the woman who's trying to get pregnant...because that's who I am. Good luck to all of you and may your next IUI, IVF or break cycle bring you the utter fear that this IVF brought me.

We Have a Bean!

There he/she is. No heartbeat yet and no fetal pole but a beautiful yolk sack, so I am thrilled.

Well, thrilled isn't the exact word. Thrilled would imply I thought in November I'd be a mommy. I think I think that, but I'm not sure.

I still feel like I'm in the trying to get pregnant mindset. Can you blame me? It's been like that for over two years. This is just another step. I feel like I did after my latest ER. Happy we got good eggs, but knowing the next step could be the killer.

I used to tell my body...Please don't bleed before I get to POAS...just let me have that. Then it was Don't get AF til Beta....just let me have that. Then, let's see one doubling BETA...let me have that. Well I just past the Please don't let me miscarriage before the first ultrasound. Next it's Please let me see a heartbeat.

Yes. I'm still the IF Pessimist, but don't let all that tough talk fool you....I'm starting to get a little excited.

Next UltraSound on Tuesday.

5 Weeks

I'm sorry these posts are more facts than feelings. I'm just not ready to admit how I feel. I do not want to get my hopes up. I have no reason not to....there is no spotting (anyone know when I stop feeling extreme relief every time I wipe and don't see red?), no AF cramping (though lots of pulling tugging going on), I POAS yesterday for fun and the line is so dark now you can see it from the moon. My boobs are slightly hurting sometimes. My nipples are darker. I've had brief bouts of nausea and offensives smells...but only brief. I nap in the middle of the day if I can. I pee a lot and no matter how much I drink...and believe me I'm drink a LOT...it's dark yellow. Every night my dreams are crazy vivid. And lets not talk about the copious amounts of CM.

And yet even with all that if I didn't know for a fact I was pregnant, if I was searching for these symptoms, I don't think I would even be suspicious. I don't go around all day feeling pregnant. I go around wishing I felt more pregnant.

First Ultrasound in 4 days.

Question

I'm not jinxing myself by putting a ticker in my blog right?

11dp5dt

3rd Beta: 192

Average for 16dpo: 202

I'm practically normal!!

Doubling time: 32 hours.

No more Betas.....first ultrasound Thursday March 25th.

Still no cramping. No spotting. Just pregnant.

Holy crap. I'm pregnant. When do I start actually believing that?

Symptoms for those who care: One day of water CM. Tired earlier. Loss of appetite. Peeing ALL THE TIME....tiny bouts of nausea. Boobs still don't hurt which I hope is a comfort to those of you who also have boobs of steel that feel nothing when almost everyone else has painful nips as a first symptom of pregnancy.

9dp5dt

This is not going to be long. I have a lot to say, but I'm afraid to say it. I don't want to jink myself or start getting my hopes up.

What I will say is:

6dp5dt HCG was 17
8dp5dt HCG was 44

Doubling Time is roughly 31 hours.

Next Beta is Tuesday, 11dp5dt

No spotting. No cramping. Lots of positive HPTs.

Still Pregnant....For Now

Beta at 6dp5dt was 17.

Not great.

After a car ride home bucking myself up and then a few minutes convincing my DH that everything is going to be just fine..... I peed and wiped brown.

Really not great.

Nothing's over. But it's close.

Oh well. At least I go to be pregnant for a day.

I hate how hurt my husband is. He's a great man and deserves better than this.

5dp5dt

I didn't test this morning. 5dp5dt feels like the day a lot of women get their positive tests. I didn't think I could take the glaring white pregnancy test. I have NO symptoms. Not a cramp. Not sore boobies. Nothing. But also no more blood so that's good too. If there is anything I guess it's a loss of appetite, which I chalk up to nerves.

We got out of work very early today so I figured I'd go to Walgreens and buy some pregnancy tests. The ones on sale of course...even with something this important I want a deal.

On the drive home I had to go pee so I figured why the hell not POAS? It was the afternoon (clearly not FMU), I'll use the least sensitive test and I had peed less than three hours early so when it came up negative I could blame all that and still believe there was a chance I was pregnant.

So I pee. I dunk. I flip through a magazine. I check the test....

And it's positive. And it stayed positive in indoor light, outdoor light, bathroom light, bedroom light....the line was still there.I grabbed a digital assuming because I got the test on sale at Walgreens it must be defective. (there is NO way I'm pregnant).

The digital said "Pregnant". I don't know if I believe it yet. But that's what it said.

So two positive tests.

I called my BFF and had her meet me at Walgreens to buy the same exact tests. We bought $70 worth of tests. Jess made a joke to the checkout guy that we were partying tonight.

We went home and I made Jess (on BCP) take the same tests to prove that they didn't give everyone the same "pregnant" results. Her's said "Not Pregnant". Holy shit...this is real.

When my husband got home I had a baseball shaped Easter basket with the positive test in it. I said I got him something from the new Walgreen's. He looked at it and it took him a few minutes to piece it together. He started shaking. "Is this serious?!?!" We hugged. He looked like he was going to cry. We compared the two positives to Jess's two negatives. He kind of believes it too.

This so weird. I think in theory I knew this would happen someday. But I didn't really believe it. I still don't really believe it.

Now what? I know what it's like to be infertile. I don't know how to be pregnant.

I'm Freaking Out

I was so happy just a few hours ago. My how things change.

The doctor called to tell me my Progesterone test came back "Very Low". I shoved a suppository in and she had me double my PIO. She said to have Jeremy do it as soon as he got home....even if it's early.

Sounds panicky doesn't it?

I asked her what this means. She said we're at a point that too much lower would be "dangerously low" for sustaining pregnancy, but it wouldn't effect if I was pregnant or not. (which seems like bullshit since i just saw online low progesterone can effect implantation.)

This must be why I started bleeding this day last time. I just didn't know it cause instead of testing I was at my FIL's funeral. So of course every trip to the bathroom has become a search for spotting. A little bit ago I found the tiniest little bit of brown.

I want to throw up. It's over before it even started. Even if it's not over....it feels like it.

If there is a positive....and I doubt it....at least next time we'll know sooner.

FUCK.

3dp5dt

I had four embryos left after transfer. I thought one had a real chance of freezing. Could you imagine actually having a frozen embryo? Neither could I.

So today was the day I find out if anything froze. Got a call from the nurse...a new one. This was my first time talking to her.

Nurse: "Hello, this is Vikki. Dr. B_____ wanted me to call and let you know about your embryos."

Me: "Great." (though inside I'm thinking "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ONE FREEZE!")
Nurse: "Looks like you have four frozen."

Me: "........ (speechlessness)" then "Holy crap! Seriously?!"

She told me 3 are considered excellent and 1 is average. That's right ALL FOUR remaining blasts FROZE!!! I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

Other than that amazing news, here's what's up... Last night I kept waking up either drenched in sweat (thank you progesterone) or just bloody uncomfortable. Bed rest stopped this morning. I celebrated with a shower. It felt good. I gave blood to check progesterone levels and was planning on going to the mall, but got super tired and sweaty so i went home instead.

I have no cramps. No bleeding. No painful boobies. No symptoms. And I'm okay with that. I've come to peace with the fact that 1. It's still early and 2. a lot of people feel nothing. We'll see what happens at Beta a week from today. (right...like I can wait that long)

To Lindsay RE: Diet Changes

I did not significantly change my diet at all.

For the last two weeks I tried to eat more veggies, but that was more diet than IVF Diet. I also ate a lot less sugar for the same reason.

What did change? I had MUCH less stress. Last cycle I had just finished a job that caused me to break out in hives. Plus I was dealing with a dying FIL. This cycle my job is fantastic and luckily everyone I love is in good health. And of course the first IVF is so much more stressful than the second. This one has kind of flown by since I not only know what to expect, but I know it's not that bad.

I also really upped my vitamins. A LOT more vitamin D, Calcium, Fish Oil and Folic Acid than just what's in the Prenatals. Once again, this wasn't just for IVF, but for health in general.

Finally the biggest thing was just a change in protocol. I did antigone this time with no Lupron. There were other changes too, but I have a feeling Lupron was my downfall. I stress MY downfall, because what drugs work well for you is very personal.

Hope this helped though I bet it doesn't. I realized reading post after post with titles like "IVF BFPs What Did You Do?" the answers are so damn varied. I really wish there was a right way and a wrong way. Just today I spent hours reading about how much bedrest people did before they got BFPs.... it ranged from "I was gardening day of transfer" to "one full week I didn't leave the bed". As I type this I'm sitting next to a giant glass of grape juice cause I read somewhere that's supposed to help implantation. I doubt it does, but we're just so desperate to do whatever we can.

I hope whatever you do it's the perfect thing for you.

Transfer

I'm on bed rest now so perhaps when boredom over takes me (thank you two hour Elizabeth Taylor Biography for warding that off a little longer) I'll write a longer post...but for now a quick recap.....

Last cycle only 1 blast made it (a grade C).

This time there were 6. Two A's are resting comfortably inside of me as we speak. We'll hear if any froze tomorrow.

I am extremely optimistic. Even if this one doesn't work, we can make quality embryos.

The very sweet nurse told me this is twins and that at the clinic everyone with A Blasts gets pregnant. I don't know if the odds are quite a 100% but I'll take it.

I'll leave with a quick tip.... Drink you 48ounces at least an hour before transfer so your doctor doesn't have to reschedule other patients while she waits for your bladder to fill.

Day 3 Fertility Report

I went back to work on Tuesday. On the drive there I started feeling sick. I assumed it was becaue I'd been so lazy the last few days and my body wasn't used to being out and about.

But things got worse. By lunch time I couldn't stand up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I drove home..almost having to pull over to throw up...fell in to bed and stayed there til my husband came home from work.

I had a fever. I was so week I couldn't stand long enough to fill my PIO needle. I called my doctor fearful of an infection (not OHSS my bloating had actually gone down) or something that would keep me from transfer on Friday. She told me to go to the ER. I decided to wait til the morning to see if I felt better (the ER being the last place I'd want to go).

The next morning I woke up covered in sweat. The fever had broken. By the end of the day I was doing a little jig (you'll hear why soon). Crazy sick. Crazy fast. Then Crazy better. Just a flu nothing to do with the surgery and nothing to ruin the transfer.

So why the jig? Got my day 3 fertility report! At 6pm...which gave me plenty of time to worry that she was avoiding me cause it was bad news. She wasn't.

Last time at day 3 I had: "2 at 7, 1 at 6 and 2 a 5 cells" (isn't it nice to have a blog to look back on?)

This time I have 9 left! 3 at 7, 4 at 8 1 at 9 cells and a morula! -- I told my Ivf veteran friend at work and she started tearing up. Holy crow me might have more than one crappy blast on Friday!

I know this doesn't guareentee anything, but even if this cycle doesn't work doesn't it feel like they found the right mix of cocktails for me?

Last time I had a problem with egg quality. If you remember they were cloudy and looked older than they should (I'm 31). I asked my doctor about the quality of these eggs. She said she won't know for 2 weeks when she gets the full report, but that the embryologist told her based on the goo the eggs were surrounded by at retrivels (goo being the scientific term) the eggs looked great and healthy.

So to recap....embabies doing well. Way better than last time. Egg quality good no more talk of donor eggs. Sperm quality great. Transfer on Friday. And even if this isn't my cycle I have so much more hope for future ones! (but this will be my cycle!)

Update: IVF #2 Day after Egg Retrivel

I'm in the middle of IVF #2. I've been reading a ton of IVF blogs and I know what a help they are while you're in limbo so I figured I should continue this one in hopes of giving insight/comfort/knowledge/your not alone feelings to others like me.

It's been a while since IVF #1. How long you ask? Well I just dipped my toe back in the infertility chat sites I used to frequent and I noticed the woman who had her retrivel the same day as mine's daughter is due NEXT WEEK.

A long time right? When I first saw that it took my breath away a little.

What else has happened in that time? Well friend who announced her pregnancy to me shortly after failed IVF just gave birth.

Two of the men at work have announced their wives are pregnant -- both first month trying.

Okay, on with the good. Cause there is good. (and this is just fertility wise cause not fertility wise my life is TONS of good....but who cares about new furniture or a trip to hawaii if they're reading this blog?)

Yesterday was my second Egg Retrivel. This cycle was a different protocol than the last. No Lupron. No Follistim. From BCP I went right in to 11 days of Gonal f (300-375), menupur (one vial) Lupenex (1 vial) 2 days of Human growth hormone, and toward the end a shot a night that was supposed to supress my ovulation.

Last time 18 follicles 13 eggs
This time 14 follicles 14 eggs! No empties....a good sign!

Last time 13 eggs 7 fertilized (all with ICSI)

This time 14 eggs 13 fertilized! (8 with ICSI 5 au natural!) another good sign!

Looks like we'll have transfer this Friday (day 5). I'm feeling extremely positive about this round. I don't know why...it just feels different. I'm excited. I wasn't this excited last time.

I'll let you know what happens.