We Have a Heartbeat

Well, according to my RE it's not technically a "heart" yet, because it's too early for organs. And it's not pumping blood it's pumping fluids. But whatever it was...it was there.

Baby is measuring right on time. It's crazy how much more there was at this ultrasound than the last a mere 5 days ago. Last time it was a sac and a blur. Now there's a sac and a non-descript white thing. And it's awesome!

Today....later today....maybe tomorrow if I don't have the guts....I'm going to buy pregnancy books on Amazon. DH and I have been pretty cautious about buying things...as if it will jinx us. But we agreed when we see heartbeat we could buy a book or two. A stroller? That might be after my water breaks.

I want to take a minute to thank each and every one of you who read this. For Annie who was my angel last IVF sending me free meds all the way from the East Coast. Still now...9 months later, I think of how much that gesture meant to me. To Suzie (who has an amazing blog for those that choose/needed to formula feed) you have been there everyday for the last 2+ years of this. You have only ever said things to make me feel better which is amazing considering the landmines you had to navigate around. To those who have beaten IF and have been very comforting during these past extremely scary weeks. You have no idea how each "that happened to me" or "not a big deal" has calmed me down.

And finally to those still struggling with IF...if you're even still around. I know I used to stop going to blogs at this point because it was just too painful.... There is no reason this should be me and not you. It's unfair. This whole fucking thing is so unfair. People long removed from this hell say it was the worst time in their lives. And it lasts years....fucking years. And even when you get to this point....it still takes from you. Every second of the past 3 weeks I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like an imposter. I assume with ever cramp, every day I'm not sick, every time the ultrasound wand is inserted that this will be over and I'll be back to the woman who's trying to get pregnant...because that's who I am. Good luck to all of you and may your next IUI, IVF or break cycle bring you the utter fear that this IVF brought me.