We Have a Heartbeat

Well, according to my RE it's not technically a "heart" yet, because it's too early for organs. And it's not pumping blood it's pumping fluids. But whatever it was...it was there.

Baby is measuring right on time. It's crazy how much more there was at this ultrasound than the last a mere 5 days ago. Last time it was a sac and a blur. Now there's a sac and a non-descript white thing. And it's awesome!

Today....later today....maybe tomorrow if I don't have the guts....I'm going to buy pregnancy books on Amazon. DH and I have been pretty cautious about buying things...as if it will jinx us. But we agreed when we see heartbeat we could buy a book or two. A stroller? That might be after my water breaks.

I want to take a minute to thank each and every one of you who read this. For Annie who was my angel last IVF sending me free meds all the way from the East Coast. Still now...9 months later, I think of how much that gesture meant to me. To Suzie (who has an amazing blog for those that choose/needed to formula feed) you have been there everyday for the last 2+ years of this. You have only ever said things to make me feel better which is amazing considering the landmines you had to navigate around. To those who have beaten IF and have been very comforting during these past extremely scary weeks. You have no idea how each "that happened to me" or "not a big deal" has calmed me down.

And finally to those still struggling with IF...if you're even still around. I know I used to stop going to blogs at this point because it was just too painful.... There is no reason this should be me and not you. It's unfair. This whole fucking thing is so unfair. People long removed from this hell say it was the worst time in their lives. And it lasts years....fucking years. And even when you get to this point....it still takes from you. Every second of the past 3 weeks I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like an imposter. I assume with ever cramp, every day I'm not sick, every time the ultrasound wand is inserted that this will be over and I'll be back to the woman who's trying to get pregnant...because that's who I am. Good luck to all of you and may your next IUI, IVF or break cycle bring you the utter fear that this IVF brought me.

We Have a Bean!

There he/she is. No heartbeat yet and no fetal pole but a beautiful yolk sack, so I am thrilled.

Well, thrilled isn't the exact word. Thrilled would imply I thought in November I'd be a mommy. I think I think that, but I'm not sure.

I still feel like I'm in the trying to get pregnant mindset. Can you blame me? It's been like that for over two years. This is just another step. I feel like I did after my latest ER. Happy we got good eggs, but knowing the next step could be the killer.

I used to tell my body...Please don't bleed before I get to POAS...just let me have that. Then it was Don't get AF til Beta....just let me have that. Then, let's see one doubling BETA...let me have that. Well I just past the Please don't let me miscarriage before the first ultrasound. Next it's Please let me see a heartbeat.

Yes. I'm still the IF Pessimist, but don't let all that tough talk fool you....I'm starting to get a little excited.

Next UltraSound on Tuesday.

5 Weeks

I'm sorry these posts are more facts than feelings. I'm just not ready to admit how I feel. I do not want to get my hopes up. I have no reason not to....there is no spotting (anyone know when I stop feeling extreme relief every time I wipe and don't see red?), no AF cramping (though lots of pulling tugging going on), I POAS yesterday for fun and the line is so dark now you can see it from the moon. My boobs are slightly hurting sometimes. My nipples are darker. I've had brief bouts of nausea and offensives smells...but only brief. I nap in the middle of the day if I can. I pee a lot and no matter how much I drink...and believe me I'm drink a LOT...it's dark yellow. Every night my dreams are crazy vivid. And lets not talk about the copious amounts of CM.

And yet even with all that if I didn't know for a fact I was pregnant, if I was searching for these symptoms, I don't think I would even be suspicious. I don't go around all day feeling pregnant. I go around wishing I felt more pregnant.

First Ultrasound in 4 days.

Question

I'm not jinxing myself by putting a ticker in my blog right?

11dp5dt

3rd Beta: 192

Average for 16dpo: 202

I'm practically normal!!

Doubling time: 32 hours.

No more Betas.....first ultrasound Thursday March 25th.

Still no cramping. No spotting. Just pregnant.

Holy crap. I'm pregnant. When do I start actually believing that?

Symptoms for those who care: One day of water CM. Tired earlier. Loss of appetite. Peeing ALL THE TIME....tiny bouts of nausea. Boobs still don't hurt which I hope is a comfort to those of you who also have boobs of steel that feel nothing when almost everyone else has painful nips as a first symptom of pregnancy.

9dp5dt

This is not going to be long. I have a lot to say, but I'm afraid to say it. I don't want to jink myself or start getting my hopes up.

What I will say is:

6dp5dt HCG was 17
8dp5dt HCG was 44

Doubling Time is roughly 31 hours.

Next Beta is Tuesday, 11dp5dt

No spotting. No cramping. Lots of positive HPTs.

Still Pregnant....For Now

Beta at 6dp5dt was 17.

Not great.

After a car ride home bucking myself up and then a few minutes convincing my DH that everything is going to be just fine..... I peed and wiped brown.

Really not great.

Nothing's over. But it's close.

Oh well. At least I go to be pregnant for a day.

I hate how hurt my husband is. He's a great man and deserves better than this.