When You Wish...

When we got Grace she was a very scared kitty.  In fact it took us about a year before she'd let me pet her.   During that year my husband and I would lie on our couch and watch TV.  Sometimes Newman joined us.  I always talked about the day when our entire family...DH, me, and BOTH cats would all be relaxing on the couch at the same time.

It took a while, but it did happen.  And it kept happening.  I remember the first time I had that feeling of "this is exactly what I wished for".   It was very meaningful to me.

Last night Jeremy and I sat in our backyard watching for meteors.  I saw a giant one and a couple of small ones.  It was pretty awesome.  I told him that someday we'll be waking our kids up and dragging their little butts outside to join us.  It will be our "thing".  I can't wait.

It might take as long as it took Grace to jump on the couch.  It might take a whole lot longer.  But it is going to happen and when it does it is going to be that much more special.

You Did It. You Finally Did It.

I met someone.  One of my co-workers has a 10 year old daughter...through IVF.  

I'm a sitcom writer.  It's a job where hundreds of people fight for dozens of jobs.  The hours are  long.  You work weekend.  You don't take time off.  Not a good place for a pregnant woman.

I'm not pregnant.  But I don't want to announce to the writing gods that I am working hard to get pregnant.    So for the past two years I have kept this HUGE part of my life a secret.

It's still a secret except for one person.  That co-worker.  I told her.  She stopped her plans and took me to lunch.  We talked for an hour.  SHE UNDERSTANDS.  

She was my age when she started.  Her first IVF failed, too.  She has been to the mountain top.  

I cannot tell you have life-changing this is.  I have never met one of us.  I've heard their were others.  I've read their blogs.  But there is something about seeing one face to face.  She knows exactly what I'm going through.  She has advice.  She has warnings.  She has comfort.

I am on the Planet of the Fertiles.   I woke up in a world where what is the "norm" is not my norm.   Where I don't belong.  But fortunately I found one more of my species.

Tick Tock TIck Tock

I love my husband's best man's wife.     

She's funny and creative.  A great "mate" at all those functions where I'm surrounded by people our husbands went to college with and I could care less about.

Before they were married a year they got pregnant with their son.  Who is unbelievably cute.  He's three now.

It was inevitable they were going to go for number two.  

She told me they were going to start in May.  They are 12 weeks pregnant.   You do the math.

At my FIL's funeral they must have known, but she didn't tell me.  I'm sure she had her reasons.  Maybe they weren't telling anyone yet.  Maybe it was the fact that my IVF just failed and we were mourning the loss of a father AND a child.  The point is she said nothing.  

I respect her for that.

When she sent me the email saying she was pregnant, it was caring and sensitive.  

I respect that too.

Though I am happy for her, I broke out into "sad for me" tears.  But I sent her an email full of the good.  None of the bad feelings.  

Perhaps I should have added some of the bad.  Because this paragraphed was included in her response....

Thanks for being happy for us, I knew you would be, but it's okay to
wish me another week or two of morning (afternoon/evening) sickness.
;)

WTF?!  Like the last two years of my life....the suffering, the tears, the shots, the surgery, the hormones, the blood draws, the MONEY...did I mention the tears?  Is equal to another week (or two) of morning sickness.  Morning sickness I would give my right arm (or stab myself repeatedly in the stomach) for.

This is not a bad person.  This is just a person that has NO IDEA what our side is like.  She didn't mean to be insensitive.  I wish her no ill will.  I am still happy(ish) for her.  But Dang.  If this is one of my friends who know about our IF what are the ones that don't going to say?

Do you know what's crazy?  I wonder if I would be in such a rush to get pregnant if there weren't all of these timebombs surrounding me.  A lot of that feeling of rush is because I want to prevent this pain from happening again and again.  

Don't get me wrong...I want a child DESPERATELY.  But each BFN isn't just a loss of that child, it's another month that I have to hold my breath whenever a friend calls to "talk".  Another month of avoiding facebook.  You get the drift.

Enough lonelyness - tomorrow I talk about actually talking face to face with someone who has done IVF.  And she's my workmate!  

I'm Back

I didn't expect to be gone so long.  

So much has happened in the time since my last post. 

I am going to spread out talking about it so I actually get my butt back into the blogging every day gear.

But the first awesome event was the arrival of our "IVF twins"...a.k.a. the two kittens we adopted in immediate response to not getting knocked up after our actual IVF.

So may I present.....Milo

And Lizzie (after getting into our sooty fireplace)....

So for those of you counting that is FOUR cats.  I keep feeling like I need to also mention that I have a husband whenever I bring up the fact that I now have FOUR cats.  Like that somehow makes it better.   FOUR!

Speaking of the other two .... Newman and Grace are not happy.  It's only been a month so here's hoping they learn to love the kittens.  It's so weird seeing teeny tiny little Liz all brave near big FAT Grace and it's Grace that is scared.    

Tomorrow's post - The first pregnancy announcement since my failed IVF or What not to say to an infertile friend when presenting the news of your easy conception.

Did You Ever Notice

How many other things there are to think about other than IF?

Now that I don't have doctor's appointments,  shots, pills, OPKs and HPTs - what I do have is a life....of some sort.

I was on a work hiatus for three months.  But I was also going through fertility treatments.  Now I'm working full time and I feel like I have so much more free time.

I used to sleep til ten and nap during the day.  Now I have to be up by 7am yet I and so much less tired than I was.

Don't get me wrong...I still think about IF most of the day.  But it used to be all of the day.  So that is progress. 

I'm curious what our next step will be and when.  But not so curious I'm planning it out yet.

This weekend I'm going to sleep in, drink, swim, maybe take a nice hot bath....spend every second with my DH.

That's not a bad place to be.

Maybe next weekend I won't feel as positive.  But that is next weekend's problem.

WTF

a.k.a "What?  They're Forty?"

Yup I have the eggs of a forty year old according to my RE.   They had darker centers.  There were a lot of empty follicles.  They died before they made it to blasts.    These are things commonly found in older women.

Sweet.

Oh, yeah...DH's sperm had lots of white blood cells we hadn't seen before.  

Sweeter.

As I was hearing this, basically being told this is even more of an uphill battle than we previously thought...it hit me that I was in the exact same office, the exact same chair, looking out the exact same window that I was when we first heard we probably needed IVF.

I cried both times.  But now I cried as an IVF veteran.  One of "those women".  The failures. 

Needless to say I stress ate like a mo-fo last night.

We have a plan.  DH will get  more tests.  I will get more tests.  When we do IVF again it will be without Lupron....maybe it's the lupron making my eggs so shitty.

I also learned some interesting things.  Of the 12 mature eggs we had 8(!) matured in the lab.  Perhaps we triggered too early?

I was told there were 7 fertilized.  Well another 4 fertilized later.

I was told we had 5 eggs on day 3.  We actually had more.  

Everything looked great, the stims, the follicle growth, the E2 levels, the retrival.  There was no way to know how f-ed up we are.

I also learned my early bleeding could have been a VERY early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy.  And that the blast they transferred was a Grade C.

I'm glad it was a Grade C.  It takes a way a little of the guilt I have that if I didn't rush off to a plane...if I didn't pick up their dog....if I wasn't so stressed....maybe that egg would have stuck around.  But there is still some guilt there.

I know this will eventually work.  But it is going to take a long time and a lot of money.

I don't know how much of either I can spend.  It isn't limitless.  

I need a break.  Fortunately we are in one.

De Nile

I don't know if I'm pretending I'm not IF or what....

I deleted a lot of "baby shows" off my Tivo.  You probably have them too.... In the Womb, Dummies Guide to Pregnancy.....Deliver Me.....  you get the drift.

I didn't call my RE right away to make a WTF appointment.  Could have gone today.  Am waiting til Monday.  Just don't want to deal with it.

I found myself terrified of the TTTC board.  I was obsessed with this board on the Nest.  I mean EVERY DAY I would read EVERY post.  But a lot of those girls were going through IVF with me and I didn't think I could handle BFPs after BFPs.

Today I snuck a peek.  I thought all the BFPs would hurt.  Instead they were mostly BFNs.  And though I felt empathy for those going through what I did.... there was a sick little part of me that felt relieved to not be alone.  To not be the only broken one.  

There is one exception.  There is a very nice girl on the boards who said this IVF was her last chance.  Her BFN was almost as painful as my own.  To see her vocalizing that this is it.  The end.  She will never have kids....  I cannot even imagine what that must be like.

It's weird.  There is half of me that knows we'll keep going til we have kids.  5 more IVFs?  Fine.  Donor eggs/sperm?  Okay.  We'll do it.  BRing it on.

Then there is the other half that can't even conceive of an end game.  I don't think of a BFP.  I can't even imagine it.  Honestly.  When I do it is as foreign and unobtainable as imagining making out with Bradley Cooper.  It's be cool, but it's not happening.

All the money, time, pain - it's not for a baby.  It's just cause that's who we are.  I brush my teeth.  I pay my mortgage.  I shoot myself in the stomach.  That's me.  

I'm Back

And life is....

Not bad.  I'd actually say it's good.

My first two days of work have been so amazing.  It's so different from the last show I was on.  Instead of stress hives I break out in smiles (Holy crap that was cheesy...I'm tired...I haven't written an entry in a while...I'm rusty....back off!)

On my last show, the day I found out my FIL had cancer we were shooting an episode my partner and I wrote.  She was on set.  I was in the writers' room.  My husband called up crying because he found out his dad had a short time to live.  I rushed home.  My boss dragged my writing partner off set to fill my place.  When she protested (there were a DOZEN other writers in the room and NO ONE else on set) he made some snide remark like, "Why?  Are you so Brilliant they can't do without you?".    

Cut to my new job.  I take the ENTIRE first week off because of the funeral.  Instead of guilt trips and bitchy comments the new show sends me flowers saying "We're thinking of you.  From you new Family at NAMEOFSHOW".   These people are amazing.  This is life changing.  

I didn't realize how my last job was until I got into a normal, healthy, HAPPY situation.

I drive home now to gorgeous weather, in my gorgeous town, to my gorgeous house (that's it above....GORGEOUS right??)  and the greatest husband ever.  I got to sleep with my cats curled around me.  I wake up excited to go to work.

Yes.  I wish this IVF worked.  Yes.  I wish my FIL didn't have to die at 62.  Yes.  Those are two unbelievably horrible things to have to deal with.

And still I would classify myself as lucky.  I am so lucky.  Life is good.  And after a short break we'll jump right back in to the wonderful world of IVF.

Ouch

This isn't spotting. This is AF.

WTF?! 3dp5dt? Faithfully doing PIO. Why is she here? She couldn't have given me hope for a few more days? At least past the funeral.

I was wrong. This still hurts. Badly.

I'll call my RE tomorrow.

3dp5dt

Already started spotting.

It's over.

I know IVF BFNs are supposed to be the worst. Helping to plan your FIL's funeral helps numb that pain.

Don't get me wrong. Still sucks. Will suck more at the funeral when we meet ILs best friends' new grandkid and realize I couldn't give my FIL that.

Funny story....the funeral director started talking about his pregnant wife and how they are going to call the baby Jack. Good for you.

I know this is a HUGE downer post, but DH and I were talking and we realized how with all the shit thrown at us we are somehow so much closer. I love my husband very much.

Bad Day

My FIL died today. Father's Day.

After an all to brief battle with cancer. Diagnosised in Decemeber. 6 months from the healthest 62 year old I've ever known to a shadow of his former self.

He died at home. His wife, son and daughter were by his side. He had a couple of bad hours, but the end was peaceful.

Yesterday he had taken a turn for the worst. Only one day that he couldn't get out of bed. Felt pain. Was incoherent. I feel like the worst part of cancer is the suffering at the end. The loss of dignity. Thankfully this was also brief.

I'm sure the rush to the airport, the luggage, the stress is not great for em-baby. Honestly at this point...who cares?

My mom seems to think this embryo will stick. It will be a boy. We'll name it Jack after my FIL.

If this was a movie that's how it would happen.

I have been reminded over and over the past six months that our life is not a movie.

And Then There Was

One survived.  One Early Blast Transfered. 

He's a cute little blast.  And he was placed in a perfect location in my uterus where if we are VERY lucky, he'll stay for a while.

Yes, there was disappointment.  Yes there were tears.  But my doctor and the ladies at the clinic were awesome.  My doctor even had me, her and my DH hold hands so she could say a blessing when it was all said and done.

There is still a chance.  This guy is clearly the best of the (dead) bunch.

New problem....All along we were worried about MFI.  Now because the eggs made it a decent distance before dying it looks like I have shitty eggs too.

If this doesn't work....and I'm not saying it won't, but I am saying it's a long shot, our up hill road just got a lot more steep.

Beta next Monday.  I'm going to try to avoid googling "bfp with one early blast" and just sleep and eat like a big fat tick all weekend.

Short and Sweet

ET is tomorrow.

I'm nervous, but a little positive.  

I bought my first "baby" thing today at our local Supermarket.  It's a kids' book called "Cat" (see above).  When I showed my husband he said we can either read it to our child if this works or use it to pick out what kind of kitten we're going to get if it doesn't work.

Huge win/little win.

The PIO shots have been pretty painless, but they are just starting to take their toll.  My butt is feeling a little achy.  I'm also unbelievably tired which is probably good cause I'll go to sleep early and wake up early for the transfer.  (Not too early...sytycd results show is tonight). Have to leave my house by 5:30 AM (eek!) so I can get acupuncture done at the clinic before and after the transfer.  Whipping out the big guns I am.

My parents are here because they are awesome.  My DH is leaving right from ET to the airport to visit his dad.  So since I'm stuck in bed my parents very happily drove the 7 hours to come stay with me and cater to my every whim.

I am very lucky.  I know this.  Whether this works or not, I am VERY lucky.

Okay so maybe this wasn't that short...

Too Good To Be True

I should have known I wouldn't be super hopeful for too long.

Don't worry we still have some live embies.  5 or 6 to be exact.   But perfect embies at this stage (day 3) should be 8 cell.  Some advanced little buggers get to 10!  Well mine.  Not so much.  2 at 7 cells.  1 at 6 and 3 at 5 cells.

I'm already convinced this cycle has failed and I haven't even had my transfer yet (which will be Friday day 5).

I know, I know...7 cells aren't that bad....they can still turn into awesome blasts.....etc. etc. etc.

Sure they could.  But today google is not my friend.  And when you search around for women who had BFPs with 3dt all you see is "transferred 2 beautiful 8cell embryos."   They are always beautiful and they are always 8 cell.   I have desperately tried to find people talking about sub-par embies at 3dpr that turn in to rockstars by day 5.  I found one story.  I freaking hate google.

I know the best thing to do is not worry about it.  They are still alive.  That is the important part.  And a lot can happen by Friday.  I should just go to ET with my hopes up and expect to hear the words "perfect blasts".   

I just don't feel that optimistic right now.

If (and more likely when) this doesn't work, we are going to take a long break.  Maybe 6 months.   We have a dying FIL, my new job and depleted finances to worry about for now.  I think that is the thing that worries me the most.  That long 6 month void.  6 more months I lose out on with my kids.

*********EDITED LATER**********

I just looked at my cell phone.  The last text I sent to my husband was "5 Left!!!"   I was so excited when I first heard the news.  I had been having dreams all night that we had three still alive.   Why did that excitement last mere minutes? 

This can still work.  Even if I heard you have 7 8cells I would have found something to worry about.

This ends now.  As of this moment I am going to be positive about this!....well for a few more minutes anyway.

Lucky Number 7?

13 eggs

12 matured

7 fertilized - all with ICSI.

I don't know how I feel.   

Before I got the call today I told myself I'd love ten but I'd be happy with 5.  That was a load of poopie.  Cause I'm not happy with 7.  Shouldn't I be?  It's not a terrible number.  Half of those suckers could die and I'd still have more than enough to transfer. 

But I had these dreams, since we're MFI, that I'd have tons of eggs and we freeze a litter and whenever I wanted a new baby we'd just go to the fridge and pick one out.   Not gonna happen.

Now what if that was 8 matured eggs and 7 fertilized?  Would I be happier?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Cause the fact that only a little over half fertilized (58.33%) is what has me worried.   Is there something wrong with my eggs?  Something more wrong with my husband's sperm?  Something wrong with my RE?

How many times have I cheered girls on who have had less embryos than this?  Told them they had great reports.  Great chances.   And TRULY meant it?

Why can't I see this and think, "SEVEN! Woot!" instead of "Seven?  Wah!" 

(great I'm so upset I'm writing like freaking carrie bradshaw...)

Lucky Number 13

That's how many eggs we got.  There were a handful of empty follicles, but who cares?  13 is okay by me.  They will all get the ICSI treatment and we find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  13 was my husband's number when he played baseball.  His other number was 10.  Wouldn't 10 be a lovely number of Embryos?  I think so too.

I freaked out a tiny bit when they were putting the IV in, but the nurses I had were super awesome and it was pretty painless.  Than the anesthesiologist came in and gave me something to "make me more comfortable."   It made me feel like I was gassed at the dentist office.  I remember being wheeled away and then nothing.

When I woke up I wasn't sure if it was over or hadn't started yet.  But it was all done.  My lovely RE was there kind of stroking my hair telling me it was all good and there were 13 eggs.

I'm in bed and my husband is already out doing my bidding (lunch, extra strenght tylenol, pineapple and pomegranite juice...and maybe some chocolate cookies that I won't admit to)

The craziest thing was seeing all those other women at the clinic who were there for IVF.  They see around 10 a day.  Just in that one clinic.  IF makes me feel so alone, but there are so many of us.  It is crazy.

Another thing that made me feel kind of alone is that I got very few "good luck" calls last night. My Suzies (there are two).  My parents.  That's it.  No inlaws.  No BFF.  That last one really stung.

I guess I have to remember that thought this is by far the most important thing in my life it isn't so important in everyone else's.  

But that's cool cause I got 13!

VICTORY!

First let me thank you all for your support.   

I iced my butt for like a half hour and then laid face down on my bed.  My husband sat next to me as "1985" played on my ITunes.  He grabbed a hunk of butt (he had plenty to choose from) and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I was Soooo nervous.

Then he said, "There was no blood."

Excuse me?  He wasn't waiting.  He was ALREADY FINISHED!!!!!  

All I felt was the tip of the needle kind of tap my butt.  It felt like when I'm scouting the right place to put the Lupron  or stims and I just graze my skin with the needle.   So I thought he was still trying to figure out the perfect spot.  But nope one and a half inches of metal was in my butt and I didn't know it.

I know for those of you that haven't done this yet, there is nothing I can say to take away the fear.  I read all those women talking about how easy it was....I just wouldn't believe it til I was stuck myself. 

But please believe me it is easy peasy one two threesy.  

You CAN do this.  

Eek....

One Hour and Forty Three Minutes until I get my trigger shot.  My first IM shot.  I am so scared.  I googled "HCG Trigger Shot Hurt?"  Four out of five say no.  That fifth one though...it's all I can think about.

What am I really scared of?  Even if it hurts it will only take a second.  I'm scared of the moments leading up to the shot.  Man I want this over.  But there is still One Hour and Forty One Minutes left.

It's a Go

Today was a big day.

This was the last monitoring appointment before my ER, now officially scheduled for Sunday morning.

My RE counted 9 big follicles on each side.  Let us hope they grow grow grow.  And the little ones too...please catch up.

I am at a point where I feel like I have to pee all the time.  I am bloated (I know this will only get worse) and always tired.  This is just a list not a bunch of complaints.  I love each of these symptoms cause it means things are working.  I appreciate every pee.  Every tug.  I appreciate my dirty dirty house cause I don't have the energy to clean it.  Yes.  This is uncomfortable, but it is far from the worse thing I've experienced  or will experience during this journey.

I trigger tomorrow night.  I am scared of that needle.  Anyone out there who has done an IM needle PLEASE give me any advice.  Tell me it's going to be okay.

Hey, Want to See Something Cool?

Those are some of my follicles.   

Not bad huh?  My RE visit went well today (a trend?).    Lefty has tons of follicles.  6 of them between 14mm and 16mm.  And in a crazy shakeup Righty must have been pissed that I talk badly about him (I don't know why an ovary is a him, but he is) and decided to kick it in to high gear.  That is correct.  Righty has surpassed Lefty in large follicles with a whopping 8 between 14mm and 16mm.  It turns out ovary rivalry is a good thing.

The blood draw was a little dramatic.  I have one "good" vein.  If blood doesn't come out of that one we are pretty screwed.  Well that poor little vein is covered in holes.  My nurse said she could feel the scar tissue.  But we needed to get blood today damn it! So Vein was asked to go back to work.  2 nurses, a little digging and two needles later we got just enough blood to test.  And we fought for that blood.  I even had to pump on one of those little foam balls the whole time because each pump brought another tiny drop into the vial.

This above paragraph is something I could never have read let alone written before all of this stuff.   I have locked myself in a doctor's bathroom so he couldn't draw my blood.  Now I laugh at the face of needles.  Ha Ha!  (okay...they are still super scary so maybe it is more of a giggle).

ER now looks like either Saturday or Sunday.  But I'm still hoping for Monday.

It Came!

UPS just dropped off a little brown box.  Sent all the way from North Carolina.  Looking at it you'd never guess what magic is inside.  But once you open it you already get a feeling this one is special. 

For one thing it is cold.  

Why is it cold?  Cause it holds my new Follistim!  Donated by Annie who gave me so much more than medicine. 

It is not easy to ship medicine COLD across country.  When she offered to do it I tried to give her as many outs as I could.  I didn't want her to have to stress about a favor.  I even mentioned I bet I could find someone near her that would like the meds who would drive to her and pick it up.  But she wouldn't hear of it.  She said this Follistim was mine. 

She went out of her way to get it to me right when I needed it.   

I still remember the day she offered.  It was the day before I found out we could start cycling for IVF.   Annie's kind gesture has changed my luck for the better.  Since that day I have had nothing but good news. 

Even if this cycle doesn't work...I feel so much more hopeful.  I finally feel like things are on my side.

That is what Annie gave me.  

Thank you Annie.  

Today's RE Visit

My mom came with me to the RE.  I was kind of prepared for the IVF cycle to get canceled.  As I was in the stirrups waiting for my doctor I started to tear up.  I knew they was going to be one giant follicle.  We'd do another IUI and we all know how well those work.

So the dildo cam enters and there is my lining.  3 layers . 7.1mm.  So far so good.  Then it's Lefty's turn.  There are at least 8 follicles between 10mm and 12mm.  Perfect.   Next Righty...the troublesome ovary.  No trouble today.  At least 5 or 6 follicles.  Once again between 10mm and 12mm.

My doctor even said it's exactly what she wants to see.   It looks like ER will either be Sunday or Monday.    Holy Crap!  This is gonna happen!  

And another HUGE thank you to Annie who is sending me Follistim.  It should arrive tomorrow - exactly when I need it.

Life is great.  Things are happening as they should.  It's all so perfect it's almost scary.  But instead of scary it's really exciting.  There is a chance this is it.  I'm going to let myself believe that for a while.

Lets Talk Side Effects

So Menopur isn't awesome.  There is the burn and I'm getting headaches.  

But then there is the more interesting side effect.  My brain has turned NC-17.  And my dreams...hum a na hum a na.

The crazy thing is who my subconscious has deemed dream worthy.   First there was this guy...

The one on the left I mean.  It's Evan crazy last name from this season of So You Think You Can Dance.  

Next we have a more acceptable option.  From last night...

Jonathan from Make Me A Super Model.  Nice job subconscious!

Tonight?  Who knows....  Though I did see the preview from that new  Dillinger Movie and was pleasantly surprised Christian Bale was in it.  But which Christian Bale will it be?

My crush from 15 years ago aka Newsies Christian Bale....

Yes.  That is "McDreamy".  

Or the Christian Bale of my slightly later teen years...aka...Laurie in Little Women....

But then there was my Swing Kids Christian Bale thing....

To give me some credit he wasn't a Hitler Youth for the whole movie....

Or a more modern day Bale...

Jesus Menopur...what are you doing to me?!  

I can't be alone in this.  Who did you dream about while stimming?

Keep On Trucking

Friday's RE appointment went... surprisingly well.  I think I need to stop being surprised when things turn out okay.  

My levels are all good and the blood draw happened on the first poke.  We saw about 14 or so follicles all pretty small but still there.  She even did a mock transfer and the little tube went in without a problem.  This from a girl who has destroyed many a catheter during IUI attempts.  That's right.  My cervix could crush walnuts. 

But before we get too excited there was this conversation - 

Me: "This might actually happen."

RE: "Don't get your hopes too far up.  You know your body is predictably unpredictable."

I will know Monday if I have to pay for this IVF cycle.  I think the fact that we haven't had to fork over the money is a good indication of how this cycle is hanging on by a thread.  

But we are still hanging on.  That's the important part.

Jeremy went back East on Thursday so rather than spend another weekend alone (sorry cats), I drove to my parents' house in AZ.  I'm there now.  It's nice to be around them.  I had to pack all my meds in a cooler for the drive.  My mother takes insulin so we do our shots together.  Mine are waaay more impressive...come on ONE shot?  If you can even call that a shot...

Today we went to a local casino.  With my family, if there are more than two of us together for any substantial period of time (let's say a day) there is usually a casino involved.  I had my meds in the car (once again the trusty cooler) and I was going to stick myself in the parking lot.  I just couldn't.  Even after washing my hands and swabbing the sites..it felt so dirty.   So I waited til I got home.  A few hours late, but done none the less.   All went well even if in my post-casino daze i did stick myself with the Follistim before dialing the dose.  So four pokes instead of three, but who's counting?

Hope

For the first time in a long time, I have hope.

It appears my luck has started to change.  I'm a little scared to talk about it for fear tomorrow's RE appointment will snap me back to reality.   But there is a bigger part of me that really feels like this is going to happen.

First my good RE appointment yesterday giving me the okay for IVF.

Then a wonderful person is sending me Follistim that should be here about the time I'll need it for the end of this cycle. THANK YOU.

My new job was supposed to start June 15th which means I'd have to take quite a few days off for ET.  Now it got delayed to June 18th.  Still might have to take a day off.  But that's easy to explain away (I think I'm already feeling a little food poisoning... don't I look a little pale?). 

My father in law got to have chemo yesterday.  He hasn't been able to for a few weeks.  This means his health is actually starting to improve.  

Unbelievable!  Life is sooo good right now.  I am almost ready to assume this IVF will work and let myself enjoy this cycle.  Because you know what?  It totally could work.  And if not now, the next one or the next one.  But here's hoping it is this one.

Guess What I Just Did?

Oh...nothing...just started stimming for an IVF!

That's right!  My body worked!  My lining was thin.  My ovaries were cyst free. My E2, FSH and all those other letters in my blood were low and good to go!

This is what I wanted.  But when my RE told me this morning I got scared.  Last IVF attempt I had a long time to prepare for it.  First I had a cyst that needed to go away.  That was a month and a half of BCP.  Then I had to wait for AF.  CD3 showed I still had a lot of lining (which was INSANE cause we all know what CD2 and CD3 are like).  Then I finally got ready to stim and my bloodwork came back with high estrogen levels.  IVF Canceled.  

Well, this time I had no time to mentally prepare.  I honestly didn't think I'd get to do this.  I still might not.  Anything can go wrong.  But so far....and this is weird to say....things are going right.

I'll be doing a flare protocol which means I find out I'm doing IVF today and my ER is probably going to be around June 13.  TEN DAYS from now.  You can see why I'm kinda freaking out.

I'm on 3 shots a night.  10 IUI of Lupron - easy.  I'm an old Lupron pro. 

300 IUI of Follistim - Whatever.  Did it before.  No problem.

1 vial of Menopur - Okay...now we have a new one.  And a quick google showed over and over again the words "Menopur burn".  I was not looking foward to this one.   YES there is a burn.  But if you're reading this and haven't done it yet...don't be worried.  It's not bad.  I don't WANT Menopur burn, but I can do it.

Isn't that the IF mantra?  I don't want it, but I can do it.  The shots.  The bloodwork.  The ultrasounds.  It ain't easy.  But we can do it.  

Yes I'm scared of the IVF unknown.  But I CAN do it.

Unlucky

Today on one of the message boards I frequent someone offered up some free follistim.  I jumped at the chance and was SOOO excited to get the email saying she was sending it my way.  I immediately called my husband and told him.  I was giddy.

Five minutes later I get a follow-up email.  She made a mistake.  Someone emailed her before me.  What did I want her to do?  

What am I going to say?  Screw that girl I WANT IT?  (Cause I did want it).  Instead I said if she was first she deserves it. 

Here's the kicker... I started crying.  WTF?  Yeah, I'm in the middle of AF so that would explain a little of that, but seriously? Crying?  

Then I realized why.  "Winning" that follistim felt like the first good luck of my entire IF journey.  Every cycle delayed cause of a cyst.  Every BFN.  Every cancelled IVF...I almost always get the bad news.  Here I was finally on the right side.  For once.

And it was taken away.    

I think there is very little chance that the kind soul donating the follistim reads this blog.  She's been pregnant longer than I've been writing it.  But on the off chance you are....  PLEASE don't feel bad about this.  You are doing a really nice thing.  This is my issue not yours.

In AF news...cause what's a Tuesday  without talking about my menses?  It is fast and furious.  And man oh man the cramps....ouch.    Tomorrow I have my RE appointment and we'll learn what my immediate fate is.  

Of course I'm expecting bad luck..... that's the point of this post right?

*************************************************************

I just checked my email and found this from my husband re: the follistim

"We’re very fortunate overall, and I love you very much.  Don’t forget that"

I guess it's not all bad luck....

A Couple Quick Things

1.  I got to spend a weekend with my husband stress free.  How nice was that? The above picture is what I woke up to on Sunday Morning.  They were both asleep til my camera woke up Grace.  Next weekend he is going back East to be with his dad.

2. Period is kind of starting.  I'm not sure my lining will be thin enough to get an IVF in before work.  But I've got a day 3 (ish) appointment on Wednesday.  We'll see.

3. I'm not sure how I feel that said IVF may not happen right away.  A break would be nice.  A child would be nicer. IVF doesn't mean I get a child though.

4. I use google reader and when I went to see who has updated their blogs there were 8.  Each of them newly pregnant or more than newly pregnant.  How depressing to be left behind.  

That is all.

Pick Yourself Up - Dust Yourself Off - And Start All Over Again

The post title is a song Fred Astaire sang in the movie Swing Time.  I've always liked the song.  Now I love it.  The woman he's dancing with up there is Ginger Rogers who if you're not an old movie fan and haven't seen many of her movies she's gorgeous and spunky and funny and way more than his dance partner.  But I digress....

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do to a person.  I don't feel happy.  But I feel better.

This is also the first weekend my husband and I have had together in a while.  So that make everything better.

I think we are going to do whatever my body tells us to do.  If I get AF in time, have no cysts, have good hormone levels and my lining thins enough we'll jump right in to the IVF.  Those are a lot of ifs and as my previous attempt at IVF will show my body's not great at doing what I want.  So we'll see.

Today I'm drinking alcohol (raspberry lambic).  I'm drinking caffeine (pepsi throwback...I'm a coke girl, but a sucka for real sugar).  I had carnal relations with my husband.  I think I'm going to take a hot bath.   So screw you IF.  Today I'm just a normal girl.

Well, almost normal.  Something I wasn't expecting was how PAINFUL my pre-AF cramps were going to be.  I guess stimming and progesterone and all the other shit I did to myself is taking it's vengeance.  

When I'm not crumpled over in extreme pain I'm am cheering my uterus on.  Come on ute!  Let's start AF!  We've got an IVF in our near future!

Negative

Big Fracking Surprise.   So why do I still feel so bad.

Maybe you readers (the two of you) would have an opinion on this.  I will be starting a new job on June 15th.  My RE seems to think if all goes well I could start stimming CD3  and that means if all works perfectly (and really when does it ever?) I could have ER on June 13th.  That means no showing up late for a new job.  No missing work for Retriv.  It would mean going in to a new job saying "hey, i scheduled a procedure before I got this job.  I will be taking two days off (for transfer...they don't need to know why).

If I don't do this I have NO idea when I'll have another chance at IVF.  I guess next hiatus which is in roughly 9 months.

Here is the reason to not do it.  My DH's cousin's wedding is the weekend of the 13th.  It's cross country.  It is also another chance my DH can see his dying father.  He could go and freeze his goods but how sad will ER be without him?  I can't make him stay with me.  But boy I wish he would.

I guess our other option is we take a break.  I thought I could handle that, but just talking to my RE I'm feel like "What's next? Let's go go go!"    But seriously.  This isn't fair to my husband.  He is dealing with a DYING FATHER.  He doesn't need more shit on his plate.  I think I'm being selfish.  What's a few months off?  A few pressureless months where I get used to work and he doesn't have to choose between the people he loves.

Fuck.  

Beta Tomorrow

No hope really.  I cried a little today.  Just a quick mourning for this cycle.  But IF is a cruel bitch and she doesn't just let it go at that. 

I went to my acupuncturist today.  She started taking the needles out and each and every one bled.  (don't worry no pain)  This is weird.  I usually at most have one tiny drop of blood come out after the needle that goes between my eyes.  That is usually it.  Today not only did ALL of them bleed, but one on my tummy formed a welt and another one on my tummy formed a bruise.  Oh!  And one on my ear bled for a few minutes.

So because I like to torture myself I start thinking "Hey...don't you make more blood when you're pregnant?  Women get nosebleeds and have bleeding gums...maybe that's it..."

That's not it.  It's just a little bit of hope that crept back in after I had ALREADY mourned my loss.  So now tomorrow when I get my negative beta though I KNOW I'm not pregnant I'm going to have to mourn again.

My FIL took another down turn.  They are thinking he won't last through June.  I know it's not my fault logically, but deep down I can't stop blaming myself that he will never know he was even going to have grandkids.  I know technically we're MFI, but if I wasn't so obese.  If I ate better.  If I got off my fat ass and went to the gym more often each of these treatments would have a better chance at working.

After tomorrow's beta I am going out to dinner to celebrate my new job.  I am going to drink to mourn my loss.  Then I'm going to get up on Saturday and hit the gym so I don't hate myself so much.

Hate is a harsh word.  It's so weird.  Sometimes I think I'm great.  Like really awesome.  I think I'm funny and witty and smart.  Creative and talented.  People seem to like me.  DH's family tells him how great I am.   I think how lucky my husband is.  

Then there is the other half of me that thinks I'm lazy and ugly and so morbidly obese I can't imagine why my husband hasn't left me yet.   I think about how great he is and how he deserves a pretty wife.  And he could get one to.  He's quite a catch.  I call myself lazy and gross.  Why can't I just stop eating/sitting on the couch.

I know, I know.  My physical self is such a small part of the whole me (well honestly a huge fat part), but it clouds everything else.  I'm such a schizo.  When I love myself I LOVE myself.  When I hate myself I HATE MY LAZY ASS SELF SOOOO MUCH. 

IF has caused the days of hate to dominate.  My body is not just gross.  It doesn't work.  Not only is my inability to stop eating keeping me from cute clothes and higher self esteem, it is keeping me from a CHILD.   And my FIL from a grandchild.

Wow.  I don't know where any of this came from.  I knew this was a down day...didn't realize I was this low.

I will make this long post longer by saying that other than my weight/IF/FIL life is pretty much perfect.  As sad as I sound here I am usually pretty happy and optimistic.   My house is gorgeous.  My Family is amazing.  My career is soaring.  My friends are fantastic.  My Husband. Well, I hit the jackpot.  

Tomorrow will be a better day...even with a negative beta.

The Opposite of Pregnant

Today I have never felt less pregnant.  I'm not nauseous.  I'm not crampy.  I'm not tired.  In fact I haven't felt this good since before we started seeing our RE and getting medicated.

My Beta is on Friday.  I'm sure it will be negative.  I **think** I'll be okay with that.    Don't get me wrong.  I only ovulated about 9 days ago so I'll still be peeing on everything stick shaped for the next few days.  I just don't expect to see much.

9 DPIUI

Once again.  These mean nothing.  I just want my future self to be aware of what is "normal" for a failed cycle.

Last night was a horrible night.  I woke up dozens of times.  Sometimes cause of cramps.  Sometimes cause of bloat.  Sometimes cause of hot flashes.  Sometimes cause my back hurt.  I just could not get comfortable. 

I had a dream I got a BFP.  We didn't know if the test was faulty so we ran to the pile of Dollar Store tests I keep next to the toilet.  I had used them all!  We Panicked.  I woke up.

I have had three small bouts of nausea today.  I think it's cause of the stress.

I had an acupuncture appointment today.  I walked in to the office and asked if she'd put the space heater on cause I was cold.  2 minutes later she was testing my pulse and I had a HUGE hot flash.  She could feel the heat radiating off my body.  She shut the space heater off.  By the time she was done poking me I was cold again and needed the heater back on.

I have cried so many times today.  I'm an emotional wreck.

I did POAS today.  BFN.

Why am I starting to get my hopes I?  Don't I know how bad it will hurt if/ WHEN I'm not pregnant?  

On a happier less psychotic note.... I got a job.  Woohoo!

Shame on You California

Can anyone see a difference?  Cause I can't.

And one for good messure.

8dpiui

(someone else who is fishing like me)

No symptoms.  I hate this.  Not even the ones that progesterone is supposed to bring on. (well I did have a dirty dream which is common with the big P).   No sore boobs.  No nausea.  No tiredness. Only slight cramps.  No nothing.  I think I'll start POAS tomorrow and lose all hope by Thursday.  Thank you 99¢ Store for allowing me the opportunity to be let down over and over again for the next few days.

****************************************************************

I wrote the above sentence this morning.  Since then there have been a few things.  Now Let me just say up front that I do NOT think these things are signs that I'm pregnant.  I know the odds of being KUed right now are low.

I am typing these out so that if and most likely WHEN I get a BFN I will have something next cycle to remind me what I felt like when I wasn't pregnant.

Today I felt flutters in my lower stomach.  Kind of like what I imagine it feels like when you feel a baby move for the first time.

I have sharp pains once again in my lower area.   These aren't common, but maybe a half dozen times today.

My left nipple is slightly sore.

I have peed 5 times today.  This is crazy for me.   I've driven cross country 3 different times.  I've driven from Mexico to Canada.  NO MATTER who I am driving with I am never the one that has to stop and use the rest room.  I pee maybe twice a day.  3 times if I'm feeling adventurous.   Plus I haven't been drinking much today so that doesn't explain it.   Of course now I'm wondering if I really do pee a lot and I just Think I don't.

Don't you love the 2ww?

Memorial Day

You know how some people feel like they're in the wrong time period?  I've always felt like I was born about 60 years too late.  

I love movies and music from the 30s and 40s.  And I'm fascinated with WW2.  Not so much the battles and dates.  But the people.   Those men who ran towards the fire.  The women who rationed, riveted, and remembered their loved ones.  This went on for years.   The fear.  The suffering.  The death.  And they just kept on fighting.

What's crazy is that at 31 I'm a good 10 years older than most of those men and women.  Could I do what they do?  Could any of us?  I hope so.  I think so.  Every time this country has had to step up and fight it has done so.   Americans may not be perfect.  But I'm proud of them.  America may not be perfect, but I am thankful for those that fought so we could have it.

Whatever I feel about this fight we're in now, I truly respect those that are fighting it.  And I hope they come home safely.

The Kittens are Coming!

This has been a pretty sad weekend.  My DH is in PA visiting his father.  Things are getting worse and it's just a matter of how many months til he is no longer with us.

This dwarfs my problems I know.

But it is hard not to feel lonely without DH around.  I've spent the past few days on the computer-watching tv- eating- and sleeping.  Oh right also taking a big pile of pills and suppositories.  Fun.

The cats were out of food so I took a trip to PetSmart where they were having cat adoptions.  I always torture myself by looking at the cats and imagining all the ones that aren't lucky enough to be fostered or adopted.  So I started talking to the lady running the adoptions and....

We going to foster a litter of kittens!!!!

How does this not make everything sooooo much better?

The last time we had bad news about FIL we bought a tie for Newman to wear.   Cute cats make everything better.

Okay...now for "symptoms" aka why do I torture myself?

This morning I was constipated.  Aren't you glad you know that?

I had bad stabbing pains in my lower parts last night.  Could it be the suppository I had just thrust up in there?

My back hurt a lot last night.  Oh wait, I often have back pain.

Vivid dreams....like I always have.

Actually the dream was kind of funny.  I often have night terrors.  I've had them since I was little (best moment...at a sleepover I was the first one asleep "woke up" and swore all my friends were dressed in civil war uniforms.)  so I've learned that if I think I'm covered in spiders or if looks like there is a giant in the corner....I should just go back to sleep.

But last night I "woke up" and there was this shiny little embryo looking ball that was flying towards me.  Now instead of going back to sleep, I panicked, brushed it away and ran in to the bathroom before I had my moment of clarity.  "Oh, yeah.  I'm probably dreaming."

I returned to my bed and the two grumpy cats whose beauty sleep I had disturbed.

6dpiui

I'm doing the same stupid shit I always do.  I'm looking at twoweekwait.com.  I'm googling 6dpiui.  I had to pee at 5am this morning clearly that's a sign and not just a symptom of the giant amount of liquids I've been consuming.

Stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid.  Why do I do this to myself EVERY.  FREAKING.  CYCLE?

You think I'd know better by now.   Why can't the next week go by as fast as the last week?  Why can't I go about my life and then BAM either Beta or AF.  Then I could move on to the next cycle.

The chances of me being pregnant are this slim.  Please Please Please don't get your hopes up.  Just get through this week and we'll celebrate with a Mountain Dew and a Hard Cider (not at the same time).  Cool?

5dpiui

Still exhausted.  Still a little pulling.  Some sharp pains that are somewhere between my stomach and my uterus.  Just typing that word reminds me of Homer telling Marge "It's uterUS not uterYOU".  Ahhh good times. 

I know it's still too early for symptoms.  But my hopes are rising just a teeny tiny bit.  I keep thinking this is the absolute best chance we've ever had to get pregnant.  

And my odds are still only about 15%.  

If this doesn't work there will be more.

That's how we do it here.  When there is even an inkling of hope I have to knock it down and protect myself.

4dpiu....zzzzzz

I don't know if it's the drugs, the cats that think the slightest movement in my sleep means I want to play or the fact that this is staffing season and I'm waiting to find out if I have work next season (It's looking really good) but Dang it all I am TIRED.

I'm going to assume it's the drugs.  

So this is day two of estrace and progesterone and I'm patiently waiting for sore boobies.  I have never had sore boobies and I kind of want them...for no other reason than so I can say "oh, that's what it feels like."

Probably TMI but I took my second pill vaginally last night.  I had my husband do it.   This is our conversation.

Me: Was it okay?  Were you cool doing it?

Him: It was fine.  Not sexual at all.  It was just to get the job done.

And if that isn't the perfect infertility conversation I don't know what is.

3dpiui

I know it is way to early to feel any pregnancy symptoms (especially since the odds of me actually being pregnant are slim), but for the next cycle (and the next...and the next...) I just want to point out how I feel.

I have had weird pulling in my nether regions.  Not cramps....more like a fullness with a little bit of pain.  Kinda like after you eat way to much and your stomach feels like it's going to burst.

My left ovary has been letting me know it exists.  Lots of sharp pains.  

I feel pretty bloated.  This is a new one.  I couldn't suck in my stomach this afternoon which was not good for the shirt I was wearing.

Tonight I started estrace and progesterone.  I'm taking each twice a day.  The progesterone can be taking orally or vaginally.  I figured I'd swallow my first one.  Now, as my RE warned, I am so tired I could pass out.    I expect my symptoms to increase now that I'm on the drugs.  I just have to keep on reminding myself it's the drugs.  I'm probably not pregnant.  But I could be....

Cats! Cats! Cats!

(My cats as stuffed animals)

I don't want to talk about IF today.  Today I want to talk about my cats.  

First we have Newman....

We think Newman is eleven and I've had him for about six years.  I've had my husband for about 4 and a half.  Therefore Newman is top cat.  And is there any wonder?

He's artsy...

He's a snazzy dresser...

He's flexible...

And just plain chill...

Next we have Grace.  Grace has been part of our family for about four years.  There are two things that stand out about her.  One - she is very sweet.  Two - she is very fat.  Check it out...

Sweet...

Fat...

Sweet...

Fat...

Grace has the size advantage and she always wants to cuddle with Newman (from here on out referred to as Shrooms, Pooman or just plain Poo) but it usually means Poo just gets kicked out of where ever he was hanging.  Here is an example.

First Shrooms wants to drink out of the sink...

But then Gracie sees him and wants in on the sink action.  Goodbye Poo.

But sometimes Pooman puts up with it....

And it's happy every after...