I'm Back

And life is....

Not bad.  I'd actually say it's good.

My first two days of work have been so amazing.  It's so different from the last show I was on.  Instead of stress hives I break out in smiles (Holy crap that was cheesy...I'm tired...I haven't written an entry in a while...I'm rusty....back off!)

On my last show, the day I found out my FIL had cancer we were shooting an episode my partner and I wrote.  She was on set.  I was in the writers' room.  My husband called up crying because he found out his dad had a short time to live.  I rushed home.  My boss dragged my writing partner off set to fill my place.  When she protested (there were a DOZEN other writers in the room and NO ONE else on set) he made some snide remark like, "Why?  Are you so Brilliant they can't do without you?".    

Cut to my new job.  I take the ENTIRE first week off because of the funeral.  Instead of guilt trips and bitchy comments the new show sends me flowers saying "We're thinking of you.  From you new Family at NAMEOFSHOW".   These people are amazing.  This is life changing.  

I didn't realize how my last job was until I got into a normal, healthy, HAPPY situation.

I drive home now to gorgeous weather, in my gorgeous town, to my gorgeous house (that's it above....GORGEOUS right??)  and the greatest husband ever.  I got to sleep with my cats curled around me.  I wake up excited to go to work.

Yes.  I wish this IVF worked.  Yes.  I wish my FIL didn't have to die at 62.  Yes.  Those are two unbelievably horrible things to have to deal with.

And still I would classify myself as lucky.  I am so lucky.  Life is good.  And after a short break we'll jump right back in to the wonderful world of IVF.

Ouch

This isn't spotting. This is AF.

WTF?! 3dp5dt? Faithfully doing PIO. Why is she here? She couldn't have given me hope for a few more days? At least past the funeral.

I was wrong. This still hurts. Badly.

I'll call my RE tomorrow.

3dp5dt

Already started spotting.

It's over.

I know IVF BFNs are supposed to be the worst. Helping to plan your FIL's funeral helps numb that pain.

Don't get me wrong. Still sucks. Will suck more at the funeral when we meet ILs best friends' new grandkid and realize I couldn't give my FIL that.

Funny story....the funeral director started talking about his pregnant wife and how they are going to call the baby Jack. Good for you.

I know this is a HUGE downer post, but DH and I were talking and we realized how with all the shit thrown at us we are somehow so much closer. I love my husband very much.

Bad Day

My FIL died today. Father's Day.

After an all to brief battle with cancer. Diagnosised in Decemeber. 6 months from the healthest 62 year old I've ever known to a shadow of his former self.

He died at home. His wife, son and daughter were by his side. He had a couple of bad hours, but the end was peaceful.

Yesterday he had taken a turn for the worst. Only one day that he couldn't get out of bed. Felt pain. Was incoherent. I feel like the worst part of cancer is the suffering at the end. The loss of dignity. Thankfully this was also brief.

I'm sure the rush to the airport, the luggage, the stress is not great for em-baby. Honestly at this point...who cares?

My mom seems to think this embryo will stick. It will be a boy. We'll name it Jack after my FIL.

If this was a movie that's how it would happen.

I have been reminded over and over the past six months that our life is not a movie.

And Then There Was

One survived.  One Early Blast Transfered. 

He's a cute little blast.  And he was placed in a perfect location in my uterus where if we are VERY lucky, he'll stay for a while.

Yes, there was disappointment.  Yes there were tears.  But my doctor and the ladies at the clinic were awesome.  My doctor even had me, her and my DH hold hands so she could say a blessing when it was all said and done.

There is still a chance.  This guy is clearly the best of the (dead) bunch.

New problem....All along we were worried about MFI.  Now because the eggs made it a decent distance before dying it looks like I have shitty eggs too.

If this doesn't work....and I'm not saying it won't, but I am saying it's a long shot, our up hill road just got a lot more steep.

Beta next Monday.  I'm going to try to avoid googling "bfp with one early blast" and just sleep and eat like a big fat tick all weekend.

Short and Sweet

ET is tomorrow.

I'm nervous, but a little positive.  

I bought my first "baby" thing today at our local Supermarket.  It's a kids' book called "Cat" (see above).  When I showed my husband he said we can either read it to our child if this works or use it to pick out what kind of kitten we're going to get if it doesn't work.

Huge win/little win.

The PIO shots have been pretty painless, but they are just starting to take their toll.  My butt is feeling a little achy.  I'm also unbelievably tired which is probably good cause I'll go to sleep early and wake up early for the transfer.  (Not too early...sytycd results show is tonight). Have to leave my house by 5:30 AM (eek!) so I can get acupuncture done at the clinic before and after the transfer.  Whipping out the big guns I am.

My parents are here because they are awesome.  My DH is leaving right from ET to the airport to visit his dad.  So since I'm stuck in bed my parents very happily drove the 7 hours to come stay with me and cater to my every whim.

I am very lucky.  I know this.  Whether this works or not, I am VERY lucky.

Okay so maybe this wasn't that short...

Too Good To Be True

I should have known I wouldn't be super hopeful for too long.

Don't worry we still have some live embies.  5 or 6 to be exact.   But perfect embies at this stage (day 3) should be 8 cell.  Some advanced little buggers get to 10!  Well mine.  Not so much.  2 at 7 cells.  1 at 6 and 3 at 5 cells.

I'm already convinced this cycle has failed and I haven't even had my transfer yet (which will be Friday day 5).

I know, I know...7 cells aren't that bad....they can still turn into awesome blasts.....etc. etc. etc.

Sure they could.  But today google is not my friend.  And when you search around for women who had BFPs with 3dt all you see is "transferred 2 beautiful 8cell embryos."   They are always beautiful and they are always 8 cell.   I have desperately tried to find people talking about sub-par embies at 3dpr that turn in to rockstars by day 5.  I found one story.  I freaking hate google.

I know the best thing to do is not worry about it.  They are still alive.  That is the important part.  And a lot can happen by Friday.  I should just go to ET with my hopes up and expect to hear the words "perfect blasts".   

I just don't feel that optimistic right now.

If (and more likely when) this doesn't work, we are going to take a long break.  Maybe 6 months.   We have a dying FIL, my new job and depleted finances to worry about for now.  I think that is the thing that worries me the most.  That long 6 month void.  6 more months I lose out on with my kids.

*********EDITED LATER**********

I just looked at my cell phone.  The last text I sent to my husband was "5 Left!!!"   I was so excited when I first heard the news.  I had been having dreams all night that we had three still alive.   Why did that excitement last mere minutes? 

This can still work.  Even if I heard you have 7 8cells I would have found something to worry about.

This ends now.  As of this moment I am going to be positive about this!....well for a few more minutes anyway.

Lucky Number 7?

13 eggs

12 matured

7 fertilized - all with ICSI.

I don't know how I feel.   

Before I got the call today I told myself I'd love ten but I'd be happy with 5.  That was a load of poopie.  Cause I'm not happy with 7.  Shouldn't I be?  It's not a terrible number.  Half of those suckers could die and I'd still have more than enough to transfer. 

But I had these dreams, since we're MFI, that I'd have tons of eggs and we freeze a litter and whenever I wanted a new baby we'd just go to the fridge and pick one out.   Not gonna happen.

Now what if that was 8 matured eggs and 7 fertilized?  Would I be happier?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Cause the fact that only a little over half fertilized (58.33%) is what has me worried.   Is there something wrong with my eggs?  Something more wrong with my husband's sperm?  Something wrong with my RE?

How many times have I cheered girls on who have had less embryos than this?  Told them they had great reports.  Great chances.   And TRULY meant it?

Why can't I see this and think, "SEVEN! Woot!" instead of "Seven?  Wah!" 

(great I'm so upset I'm writing like freaking carrie bradshaw...)

Lucky Number 13

That's how many eggs we got.  There were a handful of empty follicles, but who cares?  13 is okay by me.  They will all get the ICSI treatment and we find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  13 was my husband's number when he played baseball.  His other number was 10.  Wouldn't 10 be a lovely number of Embryos?  I think so too.

I freaked out a tiny bit when they were putting the IV in, but the nurses I had were super awesome and it was pretty painless.  Than the anesthesiologist came in and gave me something to "make me more comfortable."   It made me feel like I was gassed at the dentist office.  I remember being wheeled away and then nothing.

When I woke up I wasn't sure if it was over or hadn't started yet.  But it was all done.  My lovely RE was there kind of stroking my hair telling me it was all good and there were 13 eggs.

I'm in bed and my husband is already out doing my bidding (lunch, extra strenght tylenol, pineapple and pomegranite juice...and maybe some chocolate cookies that I won't admit to)

The craziest thing was seeing all those other women at the clinic who were there for IVF.  They see around 10 a day.  Just in that one clinic.  IF makes me feel so alone, but there are so many of us.  It is crazy.

Another thing that made me feel kind of alone is that I got very few "good luck" calls last night. My Suzies (there are two).  My parents.  That's it.  No inlaws.  No BFF.  That last one really stung.

I guess I have to remember that thought this is by far the most important thing in my life it isn't so important in everyone else's.  

But that's cool cause I got 13!

VICTORY!

First let me thank you all for your support.   

I iced my butt for like a half hour and then laid face down on my bed.  My husband sat next to me as "1985" played on my ITunes.  He grabbed a hunk of butt (he had plenty to choose from) and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  I was Soooo nervous.

Then he said, "There was no blood."

Excuse me?  He wasn't waiting.  He was ALREADY FINISHED!!!!!  

All I felt was the tip of the needle kind of tap my butt.  It felt like when I'm scouting the right place to put the Lupron  or stims and I just graze my skin with the needle.   So I thought he was still trying to figure out the perfect spot.  But nope one and a half inches of metal was in my butt and I didn't know it.

I know for those of you that haven't done this yet, there is nothing I can say to take away the fear.  I read all those women talking about how easy it was....I just wouldn't believe it til I was stuck myself. 

But please believe me it is easy peasy one two threesy.  

You CAN do this.  

Eek....

One Hour and Forty Three Minutes until I get my trigger shot.  My first IM shot.  I am so scared.  I googled "HCG Trigger Shot Hurt?"  Four out of five say no.  That fifth one though...it's all I can think about.

What am I really scared of?  Even if it hurts it will only take a second.  I'm scared of the moments leading up to the shot.  Man I want this over.  But there is still One Hour and Forty One Minutes left.

It's a Go

Today was a big day.

This was the last monitoring appointment before my ER, now officially scheduled for Sunday morning.

My RE counted 9 big follicles on each side.  Let us hope they grow grow grow.  And the little ones too...please catch up.

I am at a point where I feel like I have to pee all the time.  I am bloated (I know this will only get worse) and always tired.  This is just a list not a bunch of complaints.  I love each of these symptoms cause it means things are working.  I appreciate every pee.  Every tug.  I appreciate my dirty dirty house cause I don't have the energy to clean it.  Yes.  This is uncomfortable, but it is far from the worse thing I've experienced  or will experience during this journey.

I trigger tomorrow night.  I am scared of that needle.  Anyone out there who has done an IM needle PLEASE give me any advice.  Tell me it's going to be okay.

Hey, Want to See Something Cool?

Those are some of my follicles.   

Not bad huh?  My RE visit went well today (a trend?).    Lefty has tons of follicles.  6 of them between 14mm and 16mm.  And in a crazy shakeup Righty must have been pissed that I talk badly about him (I don't know why an ovary is a him, but he is) and decided to kick it in to high gear.  That is correct.  Righty has surpassed Lefty in large follicles with a whopping 8 between 14mm and 16mm.  It turns out ovary rivalry is a good thing.

The blood draw was a little dramatic.  I have one "good" vein.  If blood doesn't come out of that one we are pretty screwed.  Well that poor little vein is covered in holes.  My nurse said she could feel the scar tissue.  But we needed to get blood today damn it! So Vein was asked to go back to work.  2 nurses, a little digging and two needles later we got just enough blood to test.  And we fought for that blood.  I even had to pump on one of those little foam balls the whole time because each pump brought another tiny drop into the vial.

This above paragraph is something I could never have read let alone written before all of this stuff.   I have locked myself in a doctor's bathroom so he couldn't draw my blood.  Now I laugh at the face of needles.  Ha Ha!  (okay...they are still super scary so maybe it is more of a giggle).

ER now looks like either Saturday or Sunday.  But I'm still hoping for Monday.

It Came!

UPS just dropped off a little brown box.  Sent all the way from North Carolina.  Looking at it you'd never guess what magic is inside.  But once you open it you already get a feeling this one is special. 

For one thing it is cold.  

Why is it cold?  Cause it holds my new Follistim!  Donated by Annie who gave me so much more than medicine. 

It is not easy to ship medicine COLD across country.  When she offered to do it I tried to give her as many outs as I could.  I didn't want her to have to stress about a favor.  I even mentioned I bet I could find someone near her that would like the meds who would drive to her and pick it up.  But she wouldn't hear of it.  She said this Follistim was mine. 

She went out of her way to get it to me right when I needed it.   

I still remember the day she offered.  It was the day before I found out we could start cycling for IVF.   Annie's kind gesture has changed my luck for the better.  Since that day I have had nothing but good news. 

Even if this cycle doesn't work...I feel so much more hopeful.  I finally feel like things are on my side.

That is what Annie gave me.  

Thank you Annie.  

Today's RE Visit

My mom came with me to the RE.  I was kind of prepared for the IVF cycle to get canceled.  As I was in the stirrups waiting for my doctor I started to tear up.  I knew they was going to be one giant follicle.  We'd do another IUI and we all know how well those work.

So the dildo cam enters and there is my lining.  3 layers . 7.1mm.  So far so good.  Then it's Lefty's turn.  There are at least 8 follicles between 10mm and 12mm.  Perfect.   Next Righty...the troublesome ovary.  No trouble today.  At least 5 or 6 follicles.  Once again between 10mm and 12mm.

My doctor even said it's exactly what she wants to see.   It looks like ER will either be Sunday or Monday.    Holy Crap!  This is gonna happen!  

And another HUGE thank you to Annie who is sending me Follistim.  It should arrive tomorrow - exactly when I need it.

Life is great.  Things are happening as they should.  It's all so perfect it's almost scary.  But instead of scary it's really exciting.  There is a chance this is it.  I'm going to let myself believe that for a while.

Lets Talk Side Effects

So Menopur isn't awesome.  There is the burn and I'm getting headaches.  

But then there is the more interesting side effect.  My brain has turned NC-17.  And my dreams...hum a na hum a na.

The crazy thing is who my subconscious has deemed dream worthy.   First there was this guy...

The one on the left I mean.  It's Evan crazy last name from this season of So You Think You Can Dance.  

Next we have a more acceptable option.  From last night...

Jonathan from Make Me A Super Model.  Nice job subconscious!

Tonight?  Who knows....  Though I did see the preview from that new  Dillinger Movie and was pleasantly surprised Christian Bale was in it.  But which Christian Bale will it be?

My crush from 15 years ago aka Newsies Christian Bale....

Yes.  That is "McDreamy".  

Or the Christian Bale of my slightly later teen years...aka...Laurie in Little Women....

But then there was my Swing Kids Christian Bale thing....

To give me some credit he wasn't a Hitler Youth for the whole movie....

Or a more modern day Bale...

Jesus Menopur...what are you doing to me?!  

I can't be alone in this.  Who did you dream about while stimming?

Keep On Trucking

Friday's RE appointment went... surprisingly well.  I think I need to stop being surprised when things turn out okay.  

My levels are all good and the blood draw happened on the first poke.  We saw about 14 or so follicles all pretty small but still there.  She even did a mock transfer and the little tube went in without a problem.  This from a girl who has destroyed many a catheter during IUI attempts.  That's right.  My cervix could crush walnuts. 

But before we get too excited there was this conversation - 

Me: "This might actually happen."

RE: "Don't get your hopes too far up.  You know your body is predictably unpredictable."

I will know Monday if I have to pay for this IVF cycle.  I think the fact that we haven't had to fork over the money is a good indication of how this cycle is hanging on by a thread.  

But we are still hanging on.  That's the important part.

Jeremy went back East on Thursday so rather than spend another weekend alone (sorry cats), I drove to my parents' house in AZ.  I'm there now.  It's nice to be around them.  I had to pack all my meds in a cooler for the drive.  My mother takes insulin so we do our shots together.  Mine are waaay more impressive...come on ONE shot?  If you can even call that a shot...

Today we went to a local casino.  With my family, if there are more than two of us together for any substantial period of time (let's say a day) there is usually a casino involved.  I had my meds in the car (once again the trusty cooler) and I was going to stick myself in the parking lot.  I just couldn't.  Even after washing my hands and swabbing the sites..it felt so dirty.   So I waited til I got home.  A few hours late, but done none the less.   All went well even if in my post-casino daze i did stick myself with the Follistim before dialing the dose.  So four pokes instead of three, but who's counting?

Hope

For the first time in a long time, I have hope.

It appears my luck has started to change.  I'm a little scared to talk about it for fear tomorrow's RE appointment will snap me back to reality.   But there is a bigger part of me that really feels like this is going to happen.

First my good RE appointment yesterday giving me the okay for IVF.

Then a wonderful person is sending me Follistim that should be here about the time I'll need it for the end of this cycle. THANK YOU.

My new job was supposed to start June 15th which means I'd have to take quite a few days off for ET.  Now it got delayed to June 18th.  Still might have to take a day off.  But that's easy to explain away (I think I'm already feeling a little food poisoning... don't I look a little pale?). 

My father in law got to have chemo yesterday.  He hasn't been able to for a few weeks.  This means his health is actually starting to improve.  

Unbelievable!  Life is sooo good right now.  I am almost ready to assume this IVF will work and let myself enjoy this cycle.  Because you know what?  It totally could work.  And if not now, the next one or the next one.  But here's hoping it is this one.

Guess What I Just Did?

Oh...nothing...just started stimming for an IVF!

That's right!  My body worked!  My lining was thin.  My ovaries were cyst free. My E2, FSH and all those other letters in my blood were low and good to go!

This is what I wanted.  But when my RE told me this morning I got scared.  Last IVF attempt I had a long time to prepare for it.  First I had a cyst that needed to go away.  That was a month and a half of BCP.  Then I had to wait for AF.  CD3 showed I still had a lot of lining (which was INSANE cause we all know what CD2 and CD3 are like).  Then I finally got ready to stim and my bloodwork came back with high estrogen levels.  IVF Canceled.  

Well, this time I had no time to mentally prepare.  I honestly didn't think I'd get to do this.  I still might not.  Anything can go wrong.  But so far....and this is weird to say....things are going right.

I'll be doing a flare protocol which means I find out I'm doing IVF today and my ER is probably going to be around June 13.  TEN DAYS from now.  You can see why I'm kinda freaking out.

I'm on 3 shots a night.  10 IUI of Lupron - easy.  I'm an old Lupron pro. 

300 IUI of Follistim - Whatever.  Did it before.  No problem.

1 vial of Menopur - Okay...now we have a new one.  And a quick google showed over and over again the words "Menopur burn".  I was not looking foward to this one.   YES there is a burn.  But if you're reading this and haven't done it yet...don't be worried.  It's not bad.  I don't WANT Menopur burn, but I can do it.

Isn't that the IF mantra?  I don't want it, but I can do it.  The shots.  The bloodwork.  The ultrasounds.  It ain't easy.  But we can do it.  

Yes I'm scared of the IVF unknown.  But I CAN do it.

Unlucky

Today on one of the message boards I frequent someone offered up some free follistim.  I jumped at the chance and was SOOO excited to get the email saying she was sending it my way.  I immediately called my husband and told him.  I was giddy.

Five minutes later I get a follow-up email.  She made a mistake.  Someone emailed her before me.  What did I want her to do?  

What am I going to say?  Screw that girl I WANT IT?  (Cause I did want it).  Instead I said if she was first she deserves it. 

Here's the kicker... I started crying.  WTF?  Yeah, I'm in the middle of AF so that would explain a little of that, but seriously? Crying?  

Then I realized why.  "Winning" that follistim felt like the first good luck of my entire IF journey.  Every cycle delayed cause of a cyst.  Every BFN.  Every cancelled IVF...I almost always get the bad news.  Here I was finally on the right side.  For once.

And it was taken away.    

I think there is very little chance that the kind soul donating the follistim reads this blog.  She's been pregnant longer than I've been writing it.  But on the off chance you are....  PLEASE don't feel bad about this.  You are doing a really nice thing.  This is my issue not yours.

In AF news...cause what's a Tuesday  without talking about my menses?  It is fast and furious.  And man oh man the cramps....ouch.    Tomorrow I have my RE appointment and we'll learn what my immediate fate is.  

Of course I'm expecting bad luck..... that's the point of this post right?

*************************************************************

I just checked my email and found this from my husband re: the follistim

"We’re very fortunate overall, and I love you very much.  Don’t forget that"

I guess it's not all bad luck....

A Couple Quick Things

1.  I got to spend a weekend with my husband stress free.  How nice was that? The above picture is what I woke up to on Sunday Morning.  They were both asleep til my camera woke up Grace.  Next weekend he is going back East to be with his dad.

2. Period is kind of starting.  I'm not sure my lining will be thin enough to get an IVF in before work.  But I've got a day 3 (ish) appointment on Wednesday.  We'll see.

3. I'm not sure how I feel that said IVF may not happen right away.  A break would be nice.  A child would be nicer. IVF doesn't mean I get a child though.

4. I use google reader and when I went to see who has updated their blogs there were 8.  Each of them newly pregnant or more than newly pregnant.  How depressing to be left behind.  

That is all.