Thursday, December 30, 2010

The First 6 Weeks

They're HARD.

I am not a newborn person. I feel bad typing this since I tried so hard for a baby and there are so many others still desperate to be where I am.

But the first month of Bea's life was really hard for me. First I suffered from a pretty bad case of Baby Blues. Thank God my husband felt an immediate bond with my daughter, cause I sure didn't. I didn't really want to hold her or take care of her - I just went through the motions.

I think a big reason for this was breastfeeding. My body decided to not make a lot of milk. So something that was already stressful (breastfeeding...also REALLY hard) became even more so. Bea lost a lot of weight and was not peeing at all - despite THREE lactation consultants. Every breastfeed (and there were a lot of them) was a horrible, painful experience. So basically every time I held my daughter I associated her with this horrible pain and stress.

We ended up supplementing with formula - and I felt like a HUGE failure. After all that I did during my IF days (lets face it...I'll always carry IF with me) the one positive was that I felt like I was so strong and could do anything. Here was something I was failing at and all of a sudden the accomplishments of the past 3 years meant nothing. I wasn't strong. I was weak.

Then I had to start pumping. Why you ask? bout I picked up a crazy infection called MRSA while in the hospital (go it...scare the shit out of yourself). I was super infectious and couldn't even TOUCH Bea nevermind skin to skin as she suckled at my teat. To sum up the worst of the MRSA I had a quarter wide, inch deep piece of my stomach cut out while I was totally conscious and felt all of it....and that was just a small part of the pain and fear I felt for a few weeks.

I cried my eyes out every day. Begging the universe to tell me why everything had to be so hard for me. When did I get a break.

So shitty couple of weeks right? What about now?

Everything is so much better. I'm still pumping and supplementing - but I feel less guilty about it. Still have a big old wound on my tummy - but the infection is gone, the pain is gone, and I'm on the mend. And Bea? I got my break. I could not love this child more. Look at that picture up there! I get to see that face whenever I want. (and at 3am...when I don't want to) The newborn stage is gone. Now she's smiling, making eye contact. She's giggling and recognizing me. I understand what her cries mean (most of the time). She's so much fun. And it's only getting better and better. I know I'm biased, by somehow I ended up with the cutest, sweetest, most easy going baby in the world. I can't wait to see what our future holds.

I think I wrote this post because like my IVFs and IF I want everyone to know what I went though. Just like I'm not embarassed/ashamed that my daughter was created in a lab i am not embarassed/ashamed that I wasn't head over heels in pure mommy bliss from day one.

I don't think I'm alone. And neither are you.