Saturday, September 29, 2012

34w6d: The Boys Arrive



Get ready for one quick, painless and stress free twin vaginal delivery.

34w5d I had a regular OB appt.   Or so I thought.   Turns out my blood pressure was really high.   So the OB was going to send me to the hospital for monitoring.   She did a quick cervix check before I went.   Without feeling a single contraction I was dilated to 4.  

To the hospital we go.  My blood pressure remained high and there was some protein in my urine.   Still no contractions but when the OB arrived at 10:30pm to check on me I was now dilated to 6cm.   The babies were going to be here the next morning... we had no idea how close were were going to cut it.

I had to get an epi because I was planning on a twin vaginal delivery.   I got one (not bad) and they placed a catheter.   Around 11:15 the OB came back to break my water.   I was already at a 7cm.   She told me  to let the nurse know if I start to feel pressure. 

I did...and it was within 30 minutes.   A quick check and I was 10cm and Twin A was right there.  I was rushed to the OR (twin deliveries vaginal or c-section have to take place there) and I was told no matter what DON'T PUSH til  all the doctors and helpers got there. 

This was the hardest part of the delivery by far.   I wanted to push so so bad.  Every time a contraction came I NEEDED to push.  I BEGGED to push.  And finally 15 minutes?  20 minutes? later, everyone was present and I was given the go ahead.   1 contractions worth of pushes and August ("Gus") Jack was born at 12:39am.   He weighed 5lbs13oz and had apgars of 8 and 9.   I didn't get to see him because I was then forced to focus on getting twin B out. 

My OB guided Twin B's head toward my birth canal and to his birth.   12 minutes later Arthur ("Archie") Joseph was born weighing 6lbs3oz.   His apgars were 9 and 9.

So to sum up, thanks to my awesome OB I vaginally gave birth to my twins WITHOUT a tear.  Felt zero pain (lots of pressure) and went from 7cm to our first twin in roughly an hour.

The boys are doing amazingly well.  As I type this they are sleeping in our little recovery room - ironically the exact same one that we were in after Bea was born.   No NICU time.  No wires.  No tubes.  And there is a chance they'll come home with us in a few days.

I can not believe how lucky I am.   Screw the Station Wagon.   We had to buy a MiniVan!

Friday, September 28, 2012

34w5d



Blogging from the hospital.   Blood Pressure is way up.  Somehow without feeling a single contraction I'm dialated to 4cm.   Not sure which day the babies will be here, but it's gonna be soon.

And we're going vaginal unless something happens....Twin B I'm looking at you....  

This is so surreal.  I can't believe it.

Monday, September 24, 2012

34w1d



I'm so so thankful to have past 34 weeks.  Not just because it means after more than 8 weeks of bed rest I get to leave the house once or twice this week.... Okay that's a lot of the reason why.  


I went to the OB today and we did a BPP.   Twin B past it very quickly.  Twin A was taking a nap so we had to spend some time waking him up.  All good.

Then we did a NST.  It's hard keeping both twins on the monitor.   Well it's hard keeping B on the monitor.  A just hung out doing his thing.  When my OB checked the paper it looked like twin B had some "variants".   Basically there were a few moments when B's heart rate went down and then back up. So she had me go straight to my MFM to do another, higher quality u/s and make sure B was okay.

So we went to doctor number two.   First the u/s.   Everything looked great.  Fluid, cord flow, movement.  All good.   Weights estimated at Twin A 5lbs 6oz.  Twin B 5lbs 8oz.

Then the NST.   This time Twin B stayed put and A was the trouble maker.   But good news was no "variants".    The MFM said Twin B could have just been kicking/tugging on his umbilical cord causing the original "variants"

I go back to my OB on Friday.  Hopefully for a much shorter visit.

Today we left the house at 9:30am and got home around 4pm.    Not the first time these boys cause of trouble, I'm sure.

Oh and no more cervical checks.   I guess I'll know things have changed down there when I feel my water break or I go in to labor.   Holy Cow.

Friday, September 14, 2012

32w5d



Thankfully my husband was wrong.   Yesterday was his birthday and despite his prediction weeks ago the babies are still cooking.

We had another OB appointment today.   A.K.A. my first time out of the house in ten days.   I was SURE I was going to be readmitted to the hospital.   I've had a lot of discharge (tmi?  eh, it's a pregancy blog right now discharge is like talking about the weather) and a lot of pain DOWN THERE (every time I say that I want there to be an echo).

So I took a shower (assuming it's my last for a while) and packed up three hospital bags.   But like last time the bags are my good luck charm because I'm back home as I type this.

Cervix is STABLE.  Boys look great.   Huge.  And Twin B is almost head down like his brother.  He's at a slight angle, but I really think I'm going to get to push those suckers out!

My blood pressure is fine.  But I gained EIGHT POUNDS since my last appt. 10 days ago.  Now the fact that I'm almost 33 pregnant with twins and up til this point had only gained 2 pounds total makes me glad to see the scale going up a bit.   I'm not surprised it went up.  The past two weeks have been the first time all pregnancy I've actually been hungry.  And I mean HUNGRY.  And my stomach is growing at a crazy rate right now.   I'm sure the boys are packing on the pounds too.  Which is great news.

So my next appointment isn't until a week from Monday when I'll be 34w1d.   My OB said at 34 weeks I can start doing little things.   She gave me permission to go to a salon and cut my hair off.   I still have giant bed rest dread locks going on and I can't wait to have a short hair cut I don't have to pay attention to.    Maybe later in the week I'll get a pedicure?   Why not!  I can do that in just a little over a week!

I know the twins are getting big because I'm getting really, really sore.  My pelvis feels like it's been split in two.  I waddle because walking regularly is painful.  In fact today has been pretty painful.  If I wasn't on bed rest I'd probably stay in bed anyway.  Laying down in one position is the only way to not feel my ligaments stretch and creek.

And I am so very lucky we've gotten to this point!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

*****32 Weeks******



I have been waiting for this day!

"The next milestone is 32 to 34 weeks. Babies born now generally have an excellent chance of survival, without any major long-term complications, though they might not have full lung maturity (which generally occurs between 33 and 37 weeks) and will need to spend time in the NICU.  Some babies born at this stage may require oxygen to help them breathe, while others may need to be fed through a nasogastric tube (which runs through the nose into the stomach). “Super-twins” (triplets or more) almost always spend time in a NICU, but if you can get past that 32-week mark, chances are excellent that the babies will be healthy."

And now that it's here I'm already thinking about how great 34 weeks will feel.....

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

31w2d

not me but close...

Another week, another OB appointment.

All good news today.    The cervix stayed stable (woohoo!).  I'm telling you the trick is to have a bag ready in case you have to go from your appointment to the hospital.   Since I started bringing a bag I haven't had to use it.

The boys look great and are (as usual) HUGE.   Twin A is measuring in at a whooping 4lbs13oz.  Twin B is not too shabby at 4lbs9oz.   That's almost 10 pounds and 3 feet of baby in there.   No wonder I need help turning over in bed.

32 weeks is so close I can taste it!   Then 34....36....

My OB said if I make it to 36 I can go for a hike.   I told her I just wanted to get to go to Target.    We'll see...

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

30w3d



I've been home from the hospital for about a week now.   Grand stay - 5 days.

I was having tiny contractions, but my cervix remained stable.  In fact they thought it was even a bit longer than they orginially thought.  So they decided to send me home.

I had an OB appointment on Monday.   I packed my hospital bag (well a tiny one...basically my computer, charger and cell phone...you know, the essentials).   I was sure I'd be sent back.   Instead my cervix at worse was stable and at best was longer.   Bed rest is working!

When I went to the hospital almost 2 weeks ago I thought about how much I wanted to make it til 30 weeks.  Something about a 3 in the front spot just seemed so much safer.   Now I'm half way through 30!   Barreling toward 31!  

I'm still sure my husband is right and these babes are coming on his birthday...but there is still the part of me that feels like everytime I go to the bathroom my water is going to break.   There's also the part of me that thinks I'll make it to full term.

I guess we just have to wait and see.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Hospital Bed Rest



I know everyone thinks they are close to their best friend.   Maybe you guys like the same drink.  Maybe you can both quote every word to The Breakfast Club.   Maybe you've known each other for years and you just feel that sisterly connection.

Well with little modestly my BFF and I beat the pants off of you and your BFF.  For Realz.

We work together, play together, live blocks from each other.   We call each other "Wifie".   When my husband proposed to me he also bought her a small ring and proposed to her (still waiting for her husband to get me some jewels...)

We met our husbands on the same website.   We both needed IVF to conceive our children.   We drove from the East Coast to the west coast together in matching purple cars.    It's weird.

And it just got weirder.   Last year Jess started hospital bedrest at 28w4d.    She had her gorgeous son Lucas 4 days later.

Yesterday I got put on hospital bed rest.   I was 28w4d.   Here's hoping we break the trend and the boys bake a little longer.

So why the bed rest?  In two days my cervix went from a 1.8 to a .9.   Huge difference.   My OB saw me after the u/s and said "I'll see you at the hospital.".

The hospital was very very crowded.   I waited about an hour for a room.  I started feeling small contractions so my husband went to see if there was a place for me to lay down.   He saw my OB, told her and though a sweet lady she knows how to kick some butt when she wants to.

First I got put in a labor room - ironically the one that I was in to start Bea's induction - while we waited for my room to be cleaned.

When I got to my room I got hooked up to a ton of monitors.   Babies look awesome as usual.   But they saw I was contracting (small ones) quite a bit.   I got an IV that has been pumping water into my veins for the past 24 hours.   The contractions are much less.  In fact since earlier this afternoon I haven't felt a single one.

Then I got my first steroid shot.    (Thank GOD)

A doctor from the NICU came (While Jess was visiting) and it was the same doctor who came to talk to Jess about what we can expect with babies born at 28 weeks and so on.    He remembered her and her husband and Jess got to show him how big Lucas is now.

I just got my second steroid shot and things seem calm right now.     I'm really hoping that Jeremy's 32w4d guess is correct, BUT if they come sooner I know they are in a great NICU.  I know they are great sizes for their age.   I know almost 29 weeks is not ideal but it could be so so much worse.   I just know they'll do fine.   Perhaps I'm being to naive.   But I'd rather live like this right now.  

I'll let you know what happens (cause it looks like I'll have time to be on the internet now).

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

28w2d



Another day another OB appointment.   

Good news: babies look great.   Cervix is pretty much stable (with "minimal beaking").  And when the OB manual checked she said she was happy that there was still some length, it was still hard and though Baby A's head was there it wasn't "right there".

Bad news:  I think the OB is starting to get concerned.   She started talking about the steroid shots.  She told me to come back Thursday or Friday and if things changed at all for the worse I'll get the first shot. Then when I went to schedule the nurse said "So Thursday" and I said "Or Friday" and the nurse said, no the doctor changed her mind and wants Thursday.

So though a stable (short) cervix, people are starting to worry at the office.   Awesome.

The most important thing is I'm being monitored.   I'm over 28 weeks (a GREAT place to be).  Can you imagine going through this a month ago?  Even more?

I don't want them to come any time soon (next goal 32weeks) but if they do we're at a great NICU with a great doctor and they're growing like weeds.    We could be so much worse off.

Friday, August 10, 2012

27w5d

Btw this is TOTALLY how I look right now.  Minus the hair, makeup, smile and nice PJs.  


OB appointment today.   Good news...the boys are huge.   Twin B is 3lbs and Twin A is catching up at 2lbs12oz.

Bad news.   My cervix is now at a 1.8.   So I'm on strict bedrest.   I'll see the doctor again on Tuesday.

My husband had one of his "feelings" tonight.   He's had this "feeling" three times.   1.  He felt Bea was a girl.  (check)  2. He felt we were having twins (check) 3. he felt the twin were both boys (check)

Feeling number 4?   That they'll be born on his birthday (Sept. 13).    They'll be 32w4d.   I can live with that.   So you've heard it hear first.   The twins will be here in a month.  ;o)

Monday, August 6, 2012

27w1d



Is this thing on?

Okay...so that was a long blogging hiatus.   I can explain.   I'm lazy.

A lot has happened these last few weeks (months?).   My DH and I went to Paris and London for a friend's wedding.   When we came back I had an u/s.   Babies looked great, but my cervix had gone from a 4+ to a 3.2.  

So for the past few weeks (months?)  we've been monitoring it.   No crazy changes.   But the last reading was a 2.96.   Which caused my OB to give me a long lecture about how this is the most important time in a twin pregnancy.   How I need to be taking it easy (I thought I was!) and how my commute to work (about 1+ each way) is not good for me or them.  

Needless to say I've been bed-ish bound for the past week.   No more picking Bea up.   No more long car rides.   No more strenuous activity (shoot...I really wanted to run that marathon).   I know this is pretty conservative.  A basically 3.0 cervix is not cause for alarm, but I'd rather be safe than sorry so this plan works for me.  It's only a few more months at most for the best start at life for these little guys.

So what do you want to do when stuck in bed worrying about every ache and pain?    Eat junk food!   Nope...can't do it.   I've got GD again.  What I wouldn't give for a giant glass of cold milk....mmmmm.

Of course that means I've already planned my first post baby meal.   Deep dish pizza.   Cupcakes from my favorite bakery and salted bagels with cream cheese for breakfast the next morning.   Can't wait!  But I really hope to wait at least til October!

Finally on the baby front my boys have been growing like weeds.   Baby B has now overtaken his brother in size.   At our last u/s B was 2lbs 3oz and A was 1lb 13oz.    

My doctor said I shouldn't be worried about the discrepancy...but what the heck...it's just one more thing to sit here and stew about....


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Half Baked.



It's been almost 2 weeks since my last u/s.   So of course I'm freaking out.

I feel the boys a lot more.  The occasional kick or punch.  But mostly the rolling and pushing.  My stomach is growing in leaps and bounds and I feel so tight and stretched out I wonder if it's Braxton-Hicks.  (Never had those with Bea).   So the new added pressure...the new back pain....the new everything pain.... you know the things that are probably normal when you're 20 weeks pregnant with TWINS... yeah those things?  Those things have me worried and very very happy I have an OB appointment tomorrow.

If all checks out it means my DH and I are going to Paris and London in two weeks for a wedding.   Normally these words would bring me nothing but joy.  Instead I'm watching my belly grow and I see it as a sort of ticking time bomb.  Like HURRY!  We've got to get there before I explode in a giant ball of pain and pressure!


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

18w3d - Anatomy Scan



I always get nervous before an u/s.   I tell the technician I'm not going to look until you tell me you see a heartbeat (or in this case heart beats).  

Today, the second the u/s wand went on my tummy you could see two giant babies jumping around.

I have two anterior placentas (when the placenta is against the stomach instead of the back of the woman).  That basically means when the boys kick they are kicking placenta and not me so it takes longer for moms with anterior placentas to feel movement.    It was hard to believe I couldn't feel those kicks, jumps and punches.

I have been feeling a little movement.   The other day I swore I felt a kick kick kick way up high.  About half way between my boobs and bellybutton.   I thought there was no way there was a baby up that high.

I was wrong.   Baby A is on the bottom, but Baby B was so high up he might as well be hanging from my lungs.   Crazy.   Crazy how much of my stomach is already full of baby and we're not even halfway to 40 weeks.

Both Babies look great.  Measuring huge of course.

Baby A measuring 19w6d and 11oz
Baby B measuring 19w4d and 11oz.

And as I'm sure you can figure out from the pronouns I've been using - there is no doubt.  NO DOUBT these are two boys!

I am a proud mama.

Friday, May 25, 2012

16w5d



My second Tri screening blood work came back today.  All looks normal and perfect.

I'm at the point between u/s where I start to worry a little.  These kids and their anterior placentas...I just don't get to feel the kick and move.  Which is crazy when you think how much baby is in there right now.

I certainly look pregnant.  I certainly feel pregnant (i.e. EXHAUSTED).  And I'm starting to put my pregnant foot down a lot.  "I have to eat NOW".  "I'm done.  I can't do anything else.  I'll be on the couch".

I had to go to a Babies R Us to find Bea some teething toys.  (All four molars at once).  I walked past the swings and bouncers and thought for a fleeting second "I'm gonna need these soon".  And then I hurried the f out of there.   I don't know if this is second child syndrome (or second and third child in my case), but I just don't even want to think about it.

I guess I need to start, huh?

Friday, May 18, 2012

15w5d



Another OB appointment today.   Two weeks since my last one so you know I was terrified something was wrong.  Two weeks is about as long as I can stand not seeing the twinks.

My new worries...  I have been incredibly tired lately.  I'd go shopping with a friend and within fifteen minutes I need to find a bench to sit down.  At roughly 3pm I become so tired I have to lie down and nap.  In fact I nap about two hours a day.  And still get plenty of sleep at night.  (I know....I am EXTREMELY lucky to have help...how many mom's of toddlers get to take naps?!).

The OB said this is totally normal with a twin pregnancy.  That I'm not being lazy.  I'm being a mother to two new babies.   She said I need to listen to my body and not push things.  She also said between 24 and 34 weeks is a critical time in twin pregnancies.   We don't want the babies to come too early so I need to really take it easy then.

My next worry... new pains.  I had Round Ligament Pains with Bea.  You know...the sharp knife stabs that happen when you sneeze or move to quickly.  I'm used to that.  The last week or so I have felt new pains.  Constant pains.  Pains when I'm just sitting down.  A fullness.  A tiredness.  An achey - ness.  In my head my cervix was shortening and at least one of the babies was in distress.

So I asked for an u/s.   My husband came today because we knew I was going to get an u/s and there was a chance we'd find out sexes.   He wasn't with me when I found out Bea was a Bea.  I have adorable text messages of me telling him, but I wanted him here.

So off to the u/s room.   The tech saw that I was 15w5d and asked if this was just for gender.  No.  i wanted to see my cervix!

As usually I turn away until someone says they see heartbeats.  This time it was my husband saying "They're both moving!"  Phew!  I can look.

I asked if she'd check my cervix.  It's always been over a four.  She said as long as it's over a three we're okay.   It was a 4.71!! Huge!!

So babies alive.  Cervix fine.   Now we can move to gender.

I told her that we're pretty sure Baby A is a boy but Baby B has been coy with us.  Well Baby B wasn't coy today.  We got a great potty shot and Baby B must stand for Baby BOY!

Then we checked Baby A and it's still a BOY!  So Bea and I are going to be outnumbered!

My husband was over the moon.  So excited for him.  I'm thrilled with boys, I just have to get used to the idea.  I've been a girl mom.  That's what I am.  I need to figure out what it means to have sons.

I keep having images of these two strapping TALL young men hugging me as they graduate from high school.  It's so exciting.

After teh u/s I went to a local baby store and bought adorable little boy hats.   We used them to tell Grandma, Gak and Uncle David the good news.  We then called Abuela and told her.  (I can not keep this a secret for long).

Sometimes I think about how amazing my life is and I can't believe it.  How did I get so lucky?  everything is so damn awesome I want to cry!

New u/s is the big anatomy scan in a little over two weeks.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

14w2d



All is well.  Still hanging on.  My energy is coming back (though I get physically tired pretty easy).  I get to enjoy being Bea's mom again.

I'm finally fully off of the progesterone supplements.

We're starting to talk names and lightly think about nursery ideas.

It's a boring update.  But I like that it's boring.

Friday, May 4, 2012

13w5d



Thankfully the week my bloat dies down and I have a smaller bump than before is the week I have 2 count them 2 doctors' appointments with ultrasounds.

First my RE.  She did a quick little u/s where we got this cute picture of the twinks in the shape of a heart.


Then it was off to the OB's office for the first time this pregnancy.  I love love love my OB.  She's got Bea out quickly and with no tear.   I love my OB's office.  They are so great at doing whatever you need to feel comfortable.  I was thrilled when I went there and everyone remembered me.  There was a lot of "weren't you just here?"  and I kind of was. (Well 17 months ago).  

First we got another u/s.  I don't look this they say "There are two heartbeats."  Then it's game on.   The kids are huge.  86mm and 82mm each.  So roughly a week ahead.  Then I asked the u/s tech if she'd look at gender.  Instead of blowing me off she was all "of course...let's do it!"  Baby A was showing the goods and if it's not a HE I'll be shocked.  It was all on display.  Baby B was being a bit more demure.  We never got a good shot.  Tech thought Boy I thought I saw 3 lines (girl).  So let's say TBD.  In fact TBD in about two weeks at my next appointment when I'll be 15w5d and the bits and pieces should be even more obvious.

Then I see my OB and all the questions I had were answered just the way I want.  

1. My NT scan blood results were great.  No advanced risks!  
2. My OB does not cut off sex at 20 weeks or 24 weeks with twins.  She basically said she'll let my body tell me when it's done.
3. She said I could MAYBE travel to Paris at 23 weeks.   MAYBE (better than a no)
4. When I asked if there's a chance of a vaginal delivery she said "My favorite thing is twin vaginal deliveries"   The babies need to be roughly the same weight.  And Baby A needs to be head down.  But she was there for Bea's birth.  She had a a FRONT row seat.  She knows my body can handle it.  I'm really hoping I get to try.
5. She didn't even mention my weight gain!  God love her.

It ended with lots of "I'm so happy for you"s and hugs and good warm fuzzies.   And of course a blood draw.   

All is well!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

13 Weeks



Some might say second trimester.  I says that awesome time when you start to feel better but can't feel the babies kick yet so you let your mind think the worst.

Fun times!

I have two u/s scheduled for this week.  On Wednesday I go see my RE again.   (I know...I thought I graduated too) and on Thursday I see my OB for the first time.   Hoping she'll have my NT blood results.

We're chugging along.  

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

NT Scan 12w2d

I'm sure you can tell by the title of this post that we had our NT scan today.   The twinks are both measuring about a week ahead.  All other measurements looked great.   The highest of the NT measurements was Baby A's 2.2.   I know that's in the "normal" range.   I know the doctor said over and over he's not concerned.   I know the bigger the baby the higher the number and my GIANT kids are measuring HUGE.   But I still wish it was under 2.

Anyone that's read this blog long enough (i.e. no one) knows that I always have to find something to worry about.  I can never just be happy.  I've never had a bad u/s.   Today's went so well.  The babies look happy and healthy.  We have one of the best doctors in all of Los Angeles.  The one that is recommended over and over again.  The one who the only negative thing people say about him is he's too thorough.  He sees things that might not be there.

And he saw NOTHING.  Nothing to worry about.

Blood work results in 7-10 days.  First OB appointment on May 3rd.

And my stomach is already huge.   Is it any wonder?  These babies are growing fast.

Oh...the tech made a guess of a boy and a girl.   She's got a 50% of being right.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

10w4d



We had an amazing u/s today.   The twins are measuring ahead (3 days and 6 days respectively).  One of the babies is easier for us to see.  He's just at a better angle.   And wow did we see a lot!  Fingers.  Ears.  A nose.  His femur.  His little legs bent at the knee.  It was amazing.  My RE saw no fluid behind the neck so I'm expecting a really great NT scan.

Here's a video of some of it.  It's not the best quality but there is a moment when I point to his (yeah, I know I keep saying he, him, his....I have a hunch) hand in front of his face and then he slowly turns and stares at us.  In a creepy alien face way.   It was the ultimate half awesome/half horror movie moment.


I'm not the only person due on Nov. 4th.  I've been following a blogger railcitybaby.com.  She's due with her first child on Nov. 4th too!    Her blog is great.  She's smart and funny and I cried my eyes out reading the posts where she shared the amazing news with her parents and Inlaws.

So Rail City Baby was kind enough to nominate me for a blog award.  (thank you so much!)  It's called the versatile blogger.


  I've never been nominated for an award before so bare with me in my awkwardness.   I'm supposed to list 7 things Rail City probably doesn't know about me so here we go...

1.  I'm tall.  Like SUPER tall.  (6feet 1inch).   I met my husband online.  In my profile I lied and said I was 6 feet even.  (I don't know...I guess it sounded less intimidating?)  He lied and said he was 6 feet 1 inch (he's 6 feet even).  On our second date I wore boots with heels, we looked at ourselves in the window of a store we were passing and realized we couldn't fake it any more.  I was the tall one in our relationship.  I don't have any heels left.

2. I was born about 60 years too late.   I love movies and music from the 30s and 40s.  I couldn't list more than 2 Lady Gaga songs but I can tell you everything Sophie Tucker sang.    I haven't seen a single Twilight movie, but I've seen dozens of William Powell films.

3. I'm a sitcom writer.  It is the greatest job in the whole wide world.  I also hate it at least 50% of the time.  The hours can be VERY long and a good chunk of the time you have to bend to the wishes of someone else even if you know in your heart they're wrong.

4. My Best Friend is also my writing partner.  We are close.  WAAAAY close.   We call each other wifie.  When my DH proposed to me we then went to her house and he had a little ring for her too.  We are a packaged deal.   We live blocks from each other.  We met our husbands on the same dating website within weeks of each other.   We work together sometimes 18 hours a day and still text each other at night to catch up on what we missed.   We both had to do IVF to get pregnant.   We have the same blood type.  We drove across country together from NJ/PA in matching purple cars when we moved to Los Angeles.   In fact the only thing we don't have in common is our size.  She's only 5 feet 3/4 of an inch tall.

5. I have four cats.   The only reason I don't have more is that I think society would judge me.  If I ever got a large sum of money I would want to open up a no-kill cat shelter.    I get made fun of at work because I can hear a story about someone getting tortured and murdered and it might elicit a "aw, that's terrible."  But if I hear an animal even almost hurt I will be in tears.   This includes in movies and tv shows.  There is a long list of movies I will never see because an animal is injured/killed in it and I can't take it.

6.  I get obsessed with a TV show or movie and I will watch it so many times I have it memorized.   Over the years this has included:  The Simpsons, The Golden Girls, Band of Brothers, Newsies, MST3K, Independence Day ....the list goes on and on.   I'm proud of the TV shows...the movies...not so much.

7.  I over use ...   I just love it so....much.

Now I'm supposed to nominate 15 blogs I follow.  I can promise you most of these blogs don't read my blog so it will be a secret nominiation ;o)

This Is Why I'm Broke - I dare you DARE you to go there and not find at least a dozen things you want to buy

Lay Baby Lay - Amazingly gorgeous nursery design.  And a super cute daughter about Bea's age.

Advanced Style - Senior Citizens showing off their amazing style.

The Well Rounded Mama - I'll let their mission statement do the talking "It is time for some common-sense information about pregnancy in women of size....without scare tactics or judgment.

It is time for frank discussion about how fat women are treated in pregnancy, birth, and parenting, and how care in this group of women can be improved.
 "

The Fearless Formula Feeder - a good friend of mine who was fed it with being treated like a pariah because she didn't breast feed.  This blog is a great place for other formula feeders to get support.  As she puts it "standing up for formula feeders without being a boob about it".
Baby Makes 2 - a single woman in Canada trying to start a family through fertility treatments - I'm really rooting for her

Dish Baby - possibly the two cutest twins you'll ever see - and a mother who channels Martha Stewart around all the holidays

Pre Baby Blog - though now post baby.  A gorgeous photographer getting though the mindfield that is the first few months with baby.

Starring Scarlett - I've been following this blog for over a year.  This adorable little girl (a month older than Bea) was diagnosed with a inoperable brain tumor when she was two months old.  Guess those doctors are wrong, because she's cancer free and thriving!

Live and Love in the Petri Dish - a cancer survivor and her husband have been trying to have a child for years.  They've had SEVEN miscarriages.  But are now not only pregnant but just had a great NT scan.   She's so honest about her fears.  It's hard not to cross all your fingers that this is their take home baby.

Baby Lucas - this is my BFF's son's blog.  Just over four months ago he was born at 29w1d.  He thriving and is awfully cute

Two Whole Cakes - another great blog about being comfortable in your own body

Hidden Musings Recited Tales - another good friend.  Hannah writes letters to her son Ryder.  They are so sweet and heartfelt.  It'll make you melt.  Not to mention Ryder is one of the cutest kids you'll ever see

Okay I know that isn't quite 15...but it's close enough, right?






Sunday, April 8, 2012

10 Weeks



10 Weeks.  Wow!  On Thursday I have my last RE appointment (hopefully).  On April 24th I have my NT scan.  I'm so close to the second Trimester I can feel it.

How did this go so fast?

I'm still very tired.  I sleep as much as I can.  I can't do anything for very long...unfortunately that includes taking Bea to fun places.

This pregnancy is very different from Bea.   I throw up more.  I'm nauseous a lot more.  I'm more tired.  And it's not just sleepy tired.  It's I can not move my body any more kind of tired.    With Bea my hair got thicker.  With these kids my hair is starting to fall out .   Thank God.  I have a ton of hair.  Super thick and super long.  It could use some weeding.

I'm already starting to show.  With Bea I could hide it to the 20s.

And one more waaay TMI thing....  With Bea sex hurt.   Which kind of sucked.  Especailly for my DH who went celibate until we got close enough to full term that I wanted to do whatever it took to get the baby out.

I finally lifted our self imposed abstinence clause last night and it was pain free.  My lucky husband might actually get a little something something these up coming months.

The man is a saint.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

9w2d



Another good appointment.

I've been trying to avoid "researching" on the internet.  I'm trying to just let myself hear that my RE is saying everything is perfect and accept it.

Today was another perfect appointment.  The twins have grown.  There at the point now where they are shaped like babies.  They were moving around.  There is no sign of blood pockets.  My cervix is over 4cm.

Before she measured the babies my RE said they should be about 25mm.  That now it's about growing organs and body parts and not so much the doubling their length like the past few weeks.

I didn't know.  I hadn't done my research.  I just accepted it.  The twinks are measuring 26.4 and 26.6.   Perfect.

So I went home and tried to just be happy and just accept what my RE said.  But I couldn't.  There's a great website where you type in the crown rump length and it gives you the age of the embryo.

I didn't want to do it.  It scared me.  I could just be happy or I could find out the babies are a little small and start worrying.   Why was I doing this?

Of course I did it.  I have zero willpower.   I typed in 26.4.  It came back 9w3d.  A day older than the babes!  What a relief!

So until my next u/s a week from Thursday (when I graduate) I will try to just be happy.

Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

8w3d



Another u/s today.  I went in to it nervous (really when will that stop?).   Symptoms have been changing TMI diarrhea turned to constipation back to diarrhea.  I'm not as tired.  My nether regions just feel fuller.  I'm not cramping, but it does get sore.  Like my ute worked out for an hour.  -- you know normal things that freak me out.

But everything was fine.  Perfect even.  The babies are measuring 19.9mm and 21.6mm respectively (though as my RE said it's such tiny measurements that throughout the pregnancy they can go back and forth between who is the big one and who is the small one.

Hearts beating away.

We even saw them both move.  One almost waving.  The other as if he just had a huge full body hiccup.

That fluid pocket we were worried about  is now totally gone.

My cervix is at 4.8cm

I mean it was a great u/s.   So why am I not feeling okay?  Shouldn't I at least get a few days of peace after seeing that everything is going perfectly?

I don't know what to do.  I think I might have to forbid myself from going to the message boards.  I have to stop looking at people that lose babies after great 8w3d u/s.  And the other end too.  I have to stop reading about people who had 8w3d u/s and their babe is measuring bigger than mine.

I need to stop it all.  This might be my last pregnancy.  Can't I enjoy one of them?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It Finally Sinks In

Grace and Newman protecting the twins

I'm having twins.    Today was our 7w3d u/s.   Before being wanded my RE said "Okay, at 7w3d's the fetal poles should be at least 5mm with obvious heartbeats."  

I know my RE likes to start with low expectations.  My husband doesn't know this.  So when she wanded me and told us the babies were measuring 12.2 mm and 12.4 mm respectively he thought we were making giants. Instead my RE explained these were AWESOME measurements.  In fact both babies are measuring  a few days ahead.  Heart Beats in the 150s.   Just perfect.

And that pesky little fluid sack went from about 8mm by 7mm to 9mm by 3mm.  It's just this little slit that my RE even had trouble finding.

This appointment couldn't have gone any better.   She kept saying things like A+ A+ you guys are going to need to get a bigger car.

Today is the day it really hit me.  We are probably going to be having twins.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

2 Heartbeats



Two perfect little heartbeats.  Two perfect little babies.  The same size.  An almost perfect appointment.  Almost.  There is also a tiny (less than a centimeter) fluid pocket above one of the babies.  My RE said it's not a SCH...yet.  She said it's not a problem...yet.   But we want to nip it in the bud before it becomes one.

So for the next few weeks me and those two perfect little babies are going to be on modified bedrest.  No errands (including shopping..booo)  No cleaning (yeah!)  No lifting anything over 10 pounds.  (Which not only means no Bea, but 3 of our 4 cats are out too).

The RE said 98% of these things will resolve itself.  We're just being extra cautious to make sure it does.

So to recap...   2 HEARTBEATS! and another u/s on the 21st.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

5w4d



I got my blood work back from yesterday (5w3d) and estrogen and progesterone are normal.  My thyroid is normal.  And my beta went from 216 ten days earlier to 7346.

My nurse said "Well we know why."


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Twins

Holy.  Shit.

We saw TWO sacs and TWO yolk sacs.  Hopefully next week we'll see TWO heartbeats.

Our RE said everything is measuring perfectly.

When I first got my BFP my husband said something like "I don't believe in fate or magic or feelings or anything like that.  But I KNOW you're pregnant with twins.  I just know it."

Weird since we transferred two embryos with Bea and just got Bea.  We transferred two embryos with our FET and got bubkis.   So why now did he think twins.

Then we got our betas back and they weren't spectacularly high.  They barely doubled.  I assumed he was wrong.

Never doubt my husband when it comes to the workings of my uterus.   He also knew Bea was a girl the whole time I was sure she was a he.

He has no feelings about those two little beans up there.  Here's hoping we get to find out.

HOLY.  SHIT.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

U/S Tomorrow Let the Freak Out Begin!


This last week I have had a lot of symptoms.   Basically I wake up feeling great and then by noon or one I just get tired and need to lie down.

Sometimes I can't even look at food.  Sometimes I'm starving.

My go to (and it was my go to with Bea) is mozzarella cheese and bread...in any form.  Pizza.  Garlic Bread with cheese.  Mozzarella sticks.  I'm eating it.

Tomorrow is my first u/s.  So of course I need to start freaking out.  How am I going to self sabotage this time?   By having a great day yesterday.   By great I mean I didn't have to lie down at all.   I went grocery shopping and felt exhausted.  I went to the park with Bea and had to sit down for most of it.  But in my head my symptoms are gone and this is a horrible sign.

My MIL is here.  Usually when I collapse on my bed our Nanny is here or my husband.  I guess I don't feel like I have "permission" to just leave Bea.  Like it's not my MILs job.  Perhaps that's why I stayed up the whole time?

My appetite was better yesterday.   Once again could this be because I had to make sure my MIL was eating too?

The past few days I've been dealing with insomnia.  A big change from my sleeping 12 hours a day like I have been the last week.   Perhaps this is just nerves?

My vivid dreams are gone.  Maybe because I'm not sleeping as much?

Everything has a logical answer.  Of course one logical answer could be that I'm not pregnant anymore.

We'll know tomorrow.

Monday, February 27, 2012

216


My RE's nurse called.  I picked up the phone.  Said "Hello"?  And she said "Could you hold on a minute?"  and took another call!

Longest minute ever.

She came back and said "You're beta is 216 so you are definitely pregnant."

When I joked with her about the minute, she said if she calls it's usually good news.  If the doctor calls then it's usually bad.

She called with the last Beta too.   So even though it made for a long weekend - that 69 I guess was good news too.

Now worry wart that I am started thinking "That's a doubling time of 43 hours.... Bea's were in the mid-30s...".

I texted that to my BFF and she reminded me I said if I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant again I would enjoy the pregnancy and not worry the entire time.

I was going to respond with something like "I'll stop worrying after the heartbeat or the NT scan or the..." But I stopped.  I'm just going to enjoy this.  My beta was right where it needed to be.  I'm pregnant.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Almost There....


I survived the weekend.   By this time tomorrow I'll either be elated or devastated.

Crazy how one phone call can do that to a girl, huh?

Friday, February 24, 2012

69

47 hours later and my beta went from 37 to 69.

Not a true double.   Fuck.

I feel like I'm being punished.  Punished for getting my hopes up.  Punished for planning how I was going to tell my parents.  Punished for even believing it would be this "easy".

So now I have a shitty weekend ahead of me as I wait for Monday's Beta.

Fuck.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

6dp5dt



I woke up this morning and decided not to test.  I know early morning tests are not as dark as evening tests for me.  I know what I saw yesterday.  I'm pregnant.  (for now).

Besides I knew I was going to call the RE and try to get a beta so that was more important.

I got up and peed.

This is way TMI so you might want to skip to the next paragraph) and had morning sickness...from my butt.  Seriously I read that a lot of women don't throw up.  They....well.  I'm sure you understand.

Got back in bed.  Got up to pee again.  Back in bed.  Then I started to notice that I wasn't bloated at all.  And I was having crampies and tuggies.  Instead I felt GREAT.  So of course I freaked.   I'm really good at freaking.   Give me a inch of rope and I'll hang myself with it.

I peed on a stick.    The same kind as I got my BFP on 4dp5dt.   I had just peed.  It was the morning (not my best time).   But the line was still there.  And it was a lot darker than it was on Monday.   Phew.

I called the RE and told them I've been getting positives since Monday.   They told me it was the trigger. I explained to them I had gotten a negative before the positives.  The lines were getting darker and darker.  This was the day I got my first Beta with Bea.   And damn it I'm pregnant!  They said a Beta wouldn't be accurate.  But if you want a beta you big baby we'll get you one.  (okay those were my words not theirs).

Bea's beta at 6dp5dt - 17
My beta today at 6dp5dt 37

Woohoo!

The bloat came back toward the middle of the day.  So did the crampies and tuggies.  Things I normally love to eat were not appealing (which I guess I could chalk up to nerves).  I was lying down and all of a sudden felt dizzy and nauseous. I had to cancel a play date I really wanted to go on.  I slept for 2 hours and could have slept for more (woken up for beta results).  I think I'm just one of those people who things hit at night.   I hope when I wake up feeling great tomorrow I'll remember that and not freak out all over again.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

5dp5dt


This was the day I got my first BFP with Bea.   I didn't think I was pregnant and it was such a shock.

I knew I wasn't pregnant this time.  It was a bad day when I came to that conclusion.  I don't want to have to do this again.  But i will.   I'll do it over and over and over.  I always wanted many kids.  3 - 4 -5.  Please don't let IF keep me at one.  Yes one super, amazing, perfect kid that I am endlessly grateful for.  But I want to get to choose my family.  And my family has always been kidS.

Why did I come to that conclusion?  I have had ZERO symptoms.   Certainly not that "feels like AF is coming" cramps that all the girls with BFPs ask the boards about roughly 3dp5dt.

Instead on my 3dp5dt I woke up feeling fantastic.  No cramps.  No low energy.  No change of appetite.  I felt so good I could conquer the world.  Which was horrible news.  No symptoms.

Well not no symptoms.  I was taking naps in the middle of the day, but that could be chalked up to the fact that I could (still milking the taking it easy thing).

I had horrible night sweats on night 2dp5dt.  And I've had some vivid dreams.  In fact I even had a dream I had a son and showed my mom a positive pregnancy test.

So I took that as a sign to test on 4dp5dt.   FMU.   Negative.  Not really a shock.  I mean it's super early.  And I was clearly not pregnant.

That evening I got a special delivery from Amazon.  A ton of cheapie pregnancy tests.  So I had to use them, right?

Imagine my surprise when I saw this.....

night of 4dp5dt

My husband saw it too.  He's usually the one telling me I'm crazy.  So then the freak out begins.  I'm pretty sure my trigger is long gone.  I mean that was 11 days ago.  My triggers never stay around for long.

Just for a second thinking I could be pregnant brought on a bunch of symptoms.  The (small) crampies.  The tuggies.  I'm very bloated and can't suck my stomach in at all.  I'm tired.  Not just nap tired.  Like I can't do much activity tired.

So this morning of 5dp5dt I tested again.  The line was still there.  Maybe a little darker.  Maybe a little lighter.  Not sure.  But there.   I know my FMU is never as...potent?....as later in the day so I figured I'd wait to this evening to test again.

Easy to keep away from the pee sticks since I was in jury duty (managed to read all 374 pages of Huger Games as I waited).

I came home and peed.   Look for yourself.


I'd say that's pretty clear.   I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and see if I can get in for a Beta.  If not I have a progesterone and estrogen check on Thursday and they better put a beta in there too.

That line is a lot darker than Bea's line on the same day.  Hopefully we'll see a strong beta.  (stronger than Bea's 17).   My husband thinks it's twins.

One.  Two.  Four.  I don't care.  Just let my family feel complete.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Brrrr



I have two frosties!  A Grade B blast and a Grade C blast.   Though it is WONDERFUL/AWESOME/AMAZING to have frosties,  IF this cycle doesn't work I am going to do another fresh.

Now as for this cycle.  I found out the hatching blast and the compacting blast they but back were both graded B.  I'm just fine with that.

Zero symptoms (duh).  And man Bedrest is really, really boring.  Remind me I said that back when I'm on Bea duty and don't get to nap in the middle of the day.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

ET for IVF#3


Today didn't start off well.  I'm kind of a nerd about getting to treatments on time (read: waaaay early).  Of course today - the day of transfer - traffic was insane.  At 6 am.  Bumper to bumper traffic.    Gotta love LA.

So there goes the calming meditation I was planning for the drive there.

I got to the office and things turned around.  Sweet nurses.  A full bladder.  And then the news that I had 3 compacting blasts and ONE HATCHING BLAST.  I have never EVER had a naturally hatching blast at transfer.  

So the hatching blast and one of the compacting got put back in in a basically flawless transfer.  Now we wait.

I feel really optimistic.  I hate having hope.  But I have it.

Of course I wouldn't be me if I didn't have something to worry about.  I'm being having stomach cramps off and on today.  Here's hoping that doesn't damage the implanting that I hope is going on right now.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down


Got my 3 day fertility report.   Good news is another embryo made it so I have 11.

That's the only good news.

Of those 11 not a single one is over 6 cells.  At this point really great embryos are at 8 cells.   Babies are made from 6 cell embryos...but the odds just shrunk.

I don't want to do this again.  It never gets easier.  Instead when I get used to one thing another comes up. I didn't mention how the nurse at retrieval botched putting the IV in and she was digging into my hand for easily 5 minutes.  A brand new shitty thing.   Also the pain after retrieval - new to me.  I'm still feeling pretty crappy.

So if this cycle doesn't work.  And let's face facts - odds are it won't.  (yes...I know it could happen, but really my track record is not one of those on the good side of the odds).  What horrors with the next cycle bring?   I'm really just sick and tired of this shit.  I'm done.  At least I want to be, but I can't.  I'm the one that has to keep pushing forward if we're going to have the family we want.

My family's future is resting on my ability to put up with this.  I'm not letting them down.

Add to that pressure (or probably because I don't see a way out of it) the depression I had when Bea was first born is trying to rear it's ugly head again.   This just sucks.

How sick is it that I'm this defeated and we haven't even gotten to transfer?

What's left to transfer - as shitty as they are - will be put back in my ute on Thursday morning.

Hoping for a miracle here.

Thank God we have Bea.  She is the extremely bright spot in all of this.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

10


I'm feeling much better today.  Like I can do this again and again if I have to.  Hopefully I won't have to.

So yesterday they got 14 eggs.  My Doc said 9 or 10 looked mature enough to maybe fertilize.

So we waited for the fertilization report today.   I started to talk myself down.  If 5 fertilized it's okay.  There's still a chance.  You only need one embryo to have a chance, right?

Then we got the call.  Of those 9 or 10 that could have fertailized....  ALL TEN DID!!!

100% fertilization rate?!  Are you kidding me!  The average is something like 75%.  I feel extremely lucky right now.   But what's crazy is I don't feel lucky like I'm gonna get pregnant in the next few weeks.  I feel lucky like I my spirits are high again so I can do this.  I can do this as many times as I need to.

Next step:  on Valentine's day we find out how those 10 are doing.  Fingers crossed.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Ouch



I'm not going to lie.  I'm sore.  More sore than after any other ER.  After my other two I was a little sore but by the end of the day it was all good.   It's almost 8pm and dang.  I really hurt.

When we were parking this morning my husband pulled in to spot 414.  I told him that means we'll get 14 eggs.  He said we should move to spot 418 then.  I should have told him to, because we did in fact get 14 eggs.  More than my previous cycles.  The doctor said she though 9 or 10 would fertilized since some looked immature.  I'll take it.  We find out tomorrow.

Another difference between this ER and my last ones is that I remember EVERYTHING that happened between getting the twilight and being put out.  I don't know if it's because the meds were less or because I willed myself to remember everything.  But it made me more comfortable with everything.  When he told me "Ok, now you're going to go to sleep" I was ready.

I don't know how I feel about all this.  Hopeful?  No.  Defeated?  Nope.  Numb...maybe.  We'll see what tomorrow's fertility report says.  That my change my mood.

One thing I do feel is:  Since my other ERs were so painless I was very comfortable with the idea of just going from ER to ER until something sticks.  Now that I feel like this...it's harder for me to think like that. I know it's what we'll do (if we have to), but I don't want to think about it right now.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Triggered



Today's monitoring appointment made me feel better than yesterday's.   The biggest follicle didn't grow much more.  And the others are starting to catch up.  My Right Ovary is a super trooper.  There are about 9 follicles there that might be something.  Leftie has 5 (plus a bunch of little ones).

Now obviously some might not be mature enough.  Some might be too mature.  Some follicles might be empty.  But there's a good chance we'll have something to work with.

I took a final anti-ovulating shot at 11.   A little extra Gonal F at 2pm.  And then I triggered at 10pm.   As with every time I take a HCG shot to trigger I am expecting to wake up cramping tonight.  Fun.

Back to the monitoring appointment, when the dildo cam showed what we were working it the nurse went "whoa!".  My ovaries are HUGE and I am really feeling them today.  Sore and bloated is the name of the game for the next few days.

Retrieval should be a bit of a relief.  

And since this is a pretty rambling post - here's what freaks me out a bit about retrieval.   During my first retrieval the IV went in and the next thing I remember is waking up.  (I foggely remember telling my husband to take a picture of me in  the hospital bed hooked up to the machines - Me wanting a picture of myself?  You know I was still pretty drugged up).  

But what I heard later is that that IV didn't put me to sleep.  It was something called Twilight where you're totally conscious, you just don't remember any of it.  Apparently I gave them my name.  Joked a little.  And then climbed into the operating table.  THEN they put me to sleep.

I HATE that idea.  It really freaked me out.  So the next retrieval I told myself to pay attention to EVERYTHING.  And when I woke up I had a memory of climbing onto the table.  That's it.

Creepy right?!  My mom says she likes going under for surgeries because you just wake up and it's done. I am not like that.   I like being in control.  I like knowing everything that's going on.  I like asking questions.    The idea that there is at least an hour of my life that I have no say in is horrible.

But I do it.  Isn't that what this whole process is?  Facing your fears and overcoming them.  Over and Over again.   Because  nothing is as terrifying as not having the family you want.

Now that's scary.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Trigger Tomorrow

Today's doctor's appointment wasn't awesome.  I've still got about 12+ follicles.  The problem is some are way bigger than others.  My biggest is at a 21.  My smaller ones at a 13.

So my RE had to figure out when to trigger.  Do we trigger tonight and risk the smaller ones not being ready or do we trigger tomorrow night and risk the bigger ones being too "ripe".

We're triggering tomorrow.  And I'm nervous.

I know the odds of me ovulating early have more to do with my estrogen level than the size of that big follicle.  I know the ovulation suppressing drugs I'm on work in the large majority of cases (and in my case last cycle).  I know I'm probably going to be fine.  I just can't shake the fear.

And then there is the more real fear.  What if half these follicles are garbage because of the weird timing?   Perhaps I just got greedy with my previous retrievals.  I know it just takes one good egg to make one good embryo to make one great sibling for Bea.


So tomorrow I trigger.  Let's hope that egg is there.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Holding Steady


I won't bore anyone with the nitty gritty (thyroid up, sugar getting tested on Monday).

But in Follicle news I've got 14 that we can see right now.  This time last cycle I had ten visible.  These follicles are a little bigger than this time last cycle and my lining is already up to a 6.6 when last time at this point it was under a 3.

What's that mean?  I don't know.  Last cycle I stimmed for 10 days.  Maybe this cycle it'll be 9 or 10.  Which will have me triggering Thursday-ish for a Saturday retrievel.  We'll see.

So we're doing well.  I stay on the same drugs til Sunday when I get to add two more shots to my routine.  Luveris and Cetrotide.  

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Third Time's the... Eh.


Day 2 of stimming

IVF #1 - Holy crap we're doing this!
IVF #2 - Whatever.  It won't work anyway.
IVF #3 - Holy crap, why the fuck am I doing this?

I'm really surprised at the hostility I'm feeling toward each injection.  It's really hitting me this cycle how incredibly unfair it is that most people just screw and get knocked up and I have to suffer just to have a shot at it.

Even in the throws of IF pre-Bea I didn't feel the bitter too often.  It was usually the scared and the sad and the desperate.  I guess having Bea frees me of those feelings and it's really just pure bitter right now.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The First Poke is the Deepest


I started stimming today.   How many times have I stuck myself in the stomach and yet it's still so weird.  I still get that nervous feeling before the jab brings it on home.

I had a moment of "what the hell am I doing?" tonight.  This shit is serious.  It's not fun.  It means in less than two weeks I'll be hooked up to an IV and knocked out.  My ovaries will be poked full of holes.  And there's still not guarantee they'll be Bea's sibling(s) at the end of this.   And lets face it.  That's the scariest shit of them all.  No matter how unfun the shots are.  No matter how sore you are after you wake up from retrieval.   The biggest pain is a BFN.  Maybe that's what I'm the most scared of.

I'm trying not to think of it as this cycle ends in a few weeks.  I'm trying to look at it as this hiatus from my job I am going to do as many IVFs as it takes to get pregnant.  (God PLEASE let me have enough time - not need so many IVFs).  So whether or not this one works I"m that much closer to being a mom of more than one.

For those that care I basically have the same drugs as my successful cycle (sweet Bea's cycle).  Every night I inject 1 bottle of Menapur  300 of Gonal F and every other night a 1/2 bottle of HgH.

My first monitoring appointment is Friday.  More drugs to come!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Here We Go


Work has been tough the past few weeks.   Leaving the house at 7am getting home at 2am kind of weeks.  Working weekend kind of weeks.   Working for seven hours on a scene only to have it torn apart in seconds kind of weeks. 

But the season is over.   It's time to start cycling again.    Or is it?   The big decision right now is do I sit out a month or not.  Will the stress effect the follicles that are starting to grow?   Should I let my body start to heal first?    Eat healthy, exercise, get massages and accupuncture? 

I went to the RE today.  I have just a few small cysts, like my successful (Bea) cycle.  I have more follicles than my Bea cycle.  Things look good.  So we're gonna see what happens.  I'm getting blood work tomorrow morning and then I go in on CD3 (probably Monday).  If things look good we start injections and then IVF #3 is just a few weeks away.   Crazy.