Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And the Walls Come Tumbling Down

Got my 3 day fertility report.   Good news is another embryo made it so I have 11.

That's the only good news.

Of those 11 not a single one is over 6 cells.  At this point really great embryos are at 8 cells.   Babies are made from 6 cell embryos...but the odds just shrunk.

I don't want to do this again.  It never gets easier.  Instead when I get used to one thing another comes up. I didn't mention how the nurse at retrieval botched putting the IV in and she was digging into my hand for easily 5 minutes.  A brand new shitty thing.   Also the pain after retrieval - new to me.  I'm still feeling pretty crappy.

So if this cycle doesn't work.  And let's face facts - odds are it won't.  (yes...I know it could happen, but really my track record is not one of those on the good side of the odds).  What horrors with the next cycle bring?   I'm really just sick and tired of this shit.  I'm done.  At least I want to be, but I can't.  I'm the one that has to keep pushing forward if we're going to have the family we want.

My family's future is resting on my ability to put up with this.  I'm not letting them down.

Add to that pressure (or probably because I don't see a way out of it) the depression I had when Bea was first born is trying to rear it's ugly head again.   This just sucks.

How sick is it that I'm this defeated and we haven't even gotten to transfer?

What's left to transfer - as shitty as they are - will be put back in my ute on Thursday morning.

Hoping for a miracle here.

Thank God we have Bea.  She is the extremely bright spot in all of this.

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