Thursday, December 30, 2010

The First 6 Weeks

They're HARD.

I am not a newborn person. I feel bad typing this since I tried so hard for a baby and there are so many others still desperate to be where I am.

But the first month of Bea's life was really hard for me. First I suffered from a pretty bad case of Baby Blues. Thank God my husband felt an immediate bond with my daughter, cause I sure didn't. I didn't really want to hold her or take care of her - I just went through the motions.

I think a big reason for this was breastfeeding. My body decided to not make a lot of milk. So something that was already stressful (breastfeeding...also REALLY hard) became even more so. Bea lost a lot of weight and was not peeing at all - despite THREE lactation consultants. Every breastfeed (and there were a lot of them) was a horrible, painful experience. So basically every time I held my daughter I associated her with this horrible pain and stress.

We ended up supplementing with formula - and I felt like a HUGE failure. After all that I did during my IF days (lets face it...I'll always carry IF with me) the one positive was that I felt like I was so strong and could do anything. Here was something I was failing at and all of a sudden the accomplishments of the past 3 years meant nothing. I wasn't strong. I was weak.

Then I had to start pumping. Why you ask? bout I picked up a crazy infection called MRSA while in the hospital (go it...scare the shit out of yourself). I was super infectious and couldn't even TOUCH Bea nevermind skin to skin as she suckled at my teat. To sum up the worst of the MRSA I had a quarter wide, inch deep piece of my stomach cut out while I was totally conscious and felt all of it....and that was just a small part of the pain and fear I felt for a few weeks.

I cried my eyes out every day. Begging the universe to tell me why everything had to be so hard for me. When did I get a break.

So shitty couple of weeks right? What about now?

Everything is so much better. I'm still pumping and supplementing - but I feel less guilty about it. Still have a big old wound on my tummy - but the infection is gone, the pain is gone, and I'm on the mend. And Bea? I got my break. I could not love this child more. Look at that picture up there! I get to see that face whenever I want. (and at 3am...when I don't want to) The newborn stage is gone. Now she's smiling, making eye contact. She's giggling and recognizing me. I understand what her cries mean (most of the time). She's so much fun. And it's only getting better and better. I know I'm biased, by somehow I ended up with the cutest, sweetest, most easy going baby in the world. I can't wait to see what our future holds.

I think I wrote this post because like my IVFs and IF I want everyone to know what I went though. Just like I'm not embarassed/ashamed that my daughter was created in a lab i am not embarassed/ashamed that I wasn't head over heels in pure mommy bliss from day one.

I don't think I'm alone. And neither are you.


  1. She is adorable! Sorry to hear about your struggles- that sounds like a rough few weeks! I'm off to google MRSA...

  2. Wow that sounds rough. Glad you made it out the other side ok! And your daughter is a cutie!

  3. You should know that confessing that you hate motherhood will get you a lot of negative feedback.

    Perhaps you should focus a little less on what the popular psychobabble is at the moment and a little more on the fact that everything worthwhile in life is painful and forces you to question whether or not you really want it.

    "Baby blues" does not actually exist except that, as with anything in life, after you've been through a long, physically and emotionally painful/stressful process, there is a period of transition. After having a baby is such a time--and because the baby care is so overwhelming and confusing, there is no time to recover from the stresses of the pregnancy. (This is why I scoff when Christians claim "god loves you"--but that is a comment for a different blog.) Ask any officer in the Marine Corps, for example, how he/she felt after completing Officer Candidate School--just exactly like you felt after having your baby.

    Also to consider: perhaps there is a bigger reason you could not get pg on your own. Maybe you really are unfit to be a parent. Go ahead, hate me for saying it. Plenty of unfit mothers get pg all the time, it's true. Why not you? Why not you, indeed? You confess on your blog that you hate being a mommy and yet you are already trying for your next baby. Maybe focusing on being happy with what you have instead of what you do not have is what you're on this planet for--and hence, why god would not let you get pg on your own.

    Also--you would never have contracted mrsa if you had given birth at home. Once again, popular culture has failed you. Home birth is safer than hospital birth--you've proved it yourself. I had both of my children at home. But then again, I didn't need an MD to get pg, either. Sorry to be so cruel, but your attitude towards children is similar to most Americans' attitudes towards everything: if I want it, I'll buy it. Even the title of your blog reveals your true goals in life: you want to "collect" children, the way some weirdos collect dolls.

  4. Yeah! My first sanctimonious comment from a reader so self rightous she left it anonymous! And 6 months after the original post! So fun!

  5. Wow! How totally offensive and nasty was that Anon PP! If you're still monitoring this blog Satto, pls know I really appreciated your post.. it was a breath of fresh air. And for what it's worth bitter PP - I'm not American. Keep your evil opinions to yourself!