Thursday, July 2, 2009

De Nile

I don't know if I'm pretending I'm not IF or what....

I deleted a lot of "baby shows" off my Tivo.  You probably have them too.... In the Womb, Dummies Guide to Pregnancy.....Deliver Me.....  you get the drift.

I didn't call my RE right away to make a WTF appointment.  Could have gone today.  Am waiting til Monday.  Just don't want to deal with it.

I found myself terrified of the TTTC board.  I was obsessed with this board on the Nest.  I mean EVERY DAY I would read EVERY post.  But a lot of those girls were going through IVF with me and I didn't think I could handle BFPs after BFPs.

Today I snuck a peek.  I thought all the BFPs would hurt.  Instead they were mostly BFNs.  And though I felt empathy for those going through what I did.... there was a sick little part of me that felt relieved to not be alone.  To not be the only broken one.  

There is one exception.  There is a very nice girl on the boards who said this IVF was her last chance.  Her BFN was almost as painful as my own.  To see her vocalizing that this is it.  The end.  She will never have kids....  I cannot even imagine what that must be like.

It's weird.  There is half of me that knows we'll keep going til we have kids.  5 more IVFs?  Fine.  Donor eggs/sperm?  Okay.  We'll do it.  BRing it on.

Then there is the other half that can't even conceive of an end game.  I don't think of a BFP.  I can't even imagine it.  Honestly.  When I do it is as foreign and unobtainable as imagining making out with Bradley Cooper.  It's be cool, but it's not happening.

All the money, time, pain - it's not for a baby.  It's just cause that's who we are.  I brush my teeth.  I pay my mortgage.  I shoot myself in the stomach.  That's me.  


  1. I am sorry you are having a rough time:(

  2. "It's just cause that's who we are"

    I love this. Excellent post. I too picture no end to this game...yet I know there is. I just don't know what the end will be. I cannot fathom it.

  3. I am going to see to it that you make out with Bradley Cooper. THAT, at least, I can do something about. It will make me feel less helpless about the other stuff....;)

  4. It IS a relief not to be alone. I'm conflicted now because several people I know (IRL and thru teh internets) have gotten pregnant and here I am. Still here. With my broken lady parts. I don't know what to feel -sadness? Anger? A touch of jealousy?

    I'm still terrified of TTTC. I took a step back from it a month or so ago because it was just too overwhelming and sad. I don't regret my decision in the least and I am WAY less stressed out. Occasional good news or no, it was just too much to take.

    I hope you won't have to try and try...and try forever. All of this has got to be worth it in the end, right? RIGHT?