Monday, December 12, 2011
My FET is scheduled for tomorrow.
I feel so many things right now.
I'm feeling sore from the PIO shots. What the heck? I had a butt of steal the last few times.
I'm feeling awe at how easy (comparitively) a FET is. It doesn't feel real that tomorrow I will (hopefully) have embryos aboard.
I'm feeling nervous. I've had two transfers before this - both fresh IVFs. The first one I found out that only one blast (and a half assed one at that) had made it. The second gave me Bea. That's a 50% chance of crappy news tomorrow or a 50% chance of good news which leads me to:
I'm feeling excited. This really could work. We haven't told any of our parents we're doing this. We have both gotten the "When are you trying for #2" questions and we have shrugged them off. Why? Because last time we told them we were pregnant it wasn't that happy fairy tale moment. It was more of a "I'm technically pregnant, but the betas are low so don't get your hopes up".
IF we get pregnant this cycle we'll have a beta or two under our belts by Christmas. We'll wrap a book about being a big sister and have Bea open it in front of everyone. We'll even get to record the moment. God I want one of those...one of those happy, no fear, pure excitement "We're Pregnants!" like on youtube (BTW do yourselves a favor and watch them ...you'll cry your eyes out). IF we get pregnant this cycle I promise I will let myself get excited.
But if it doesn't work that's okay too. Why?
I feel SO VERY LUCKY AND BLESSED to have Bea. My sweet, sweet daughter. The greatest thing in my life. Knowing how much I love her now I realize how deeply my PPD ran. I missed out on so much of her early life because I just was not myself. I would really love a chance to do it again. But if that doesn't happen I am still the luckiest person in the world.
A co-worker left a few weeks ago and he sent out a fun email with predictions of where we would all be in a few months. His prediction for my best friend and I was that we would be breastfeeding in the office making my easily grossed out by lady things boss uncomfortable. Because that is who we are. We're mothers. It took me 3 years and 2 IVFs to get here, but I'm here. It took my BFF even more IVFs but now she has a son. No matter how hard our journey to get here was it doesn't change the fact that we are seen as mothers, because we ARE mothers. I'm a mom. If I show up tomorrow and there are 0 embryos left. If I never make another embryo again. It doesn't change that. I'm a mom. I'm Bea's mom.....Wow.