Thursday, December 22, 2011


I was not surprised.  I've been testing since 3dp5dt and saw nothing but bright white.  

It sucks.  No doubt.

It sucked every time I saw a white pee stick.

It sucked having to take the stupid PIO shots that gave me stupid night sweats even though I knew I wasn't pregnant.

It sucked having to get poked several times today to get enough blood to tell me I'm not pregnant.

It sucked when my RE called and gave me sad voice.

It sucked when that RE mentioned this might be an egg quality issues since someone my age should have more than one kid out of all the eggs I made.

It sucked when the fear came back....will it ever happen again?

What doesn't suck?  This time when I was trying to hold back my tears my 13 month old daughter....the most amazing girl in the world....climbed into my lap and hugged me.

Yes it was a BFN but I am still so FUCKING lucky.  I'm a Mom.

Should get AF on Christmas Day (joy) and start cycling for my next IVF in February.


  1. You can do hard things. Just sucks that you keep having to. Glad your little one has such great timing :)

  2. Sorry to hear this news- probably not the best timing to receive it. Hopefully you and your little one have a fun Christmas, despite the unwanted arrival of AF.

    I didn't deliver a baby, but even adopting a child has filled that gaping hole in my heart. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it gives me something else to look forward to.

  3. Hi, thanks for your comment on my blog. That was very kind of you. Your sweet little daughter is adorable. But I do understand, it's never easy to see that startk white pee stick, or get that sad voice phone call from the RE. I still wish you the best of luck for any future cycles. Thanks again. :)

  4. So sorry for the BFN...Infertility sucks big time. So thankful that you have your beautiful daughter there to give u hugs and kisses during this difficult time.

  5. Satto,

    You and I have so much in common. My perfect match has severe MFI, so we went straight to IVF/ICSI. We got lucky and had our baby girl about 2 months after yours. I did a FET as soon as I stopped bf'ing - BFN. Did a fresh cycle the next month, but RE added growth hormone this time since I'm now over 40 (over 41 actually - maybe the issues are mine now, too!) - BFP - but CHEMICAL!!! (mc'ed right after thanksgiving). I'm also in SoCal and I think we are using the same embryology lab. Getting ready to start IVF-3, but am more exhausted this time around. Like for you, being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I can't help wanting a sibling for my daughter. Just here to tell you that you are not alone! JD

    1. JD! We are basically twins! Do you have a blog I can stalk?