Thursday, May 28, 2009

Beta Tomorrow

No hope really.  I cried a little today.  Just a quick mourning for this cycle.  But IF is a cruel bitch and she doesn't just let it go at that. 

I went to my acupuncturist today.  She started taking the needles out and each and every one bled.  (don't worry no pain)  This is weird.  I usually at most have one tiny drop of blood come out after the needle that goes between my eyes.  That is usually it.  Today not only did ALL of them bleed, but one on my tummy formed a welt and another one on my tummy formed a bruise.  Oh!  And one on my ear bled for a few minutes.

So because I like to torture myself I start thinking "Hey...don't you make more blood when you're pregnant?  Women get nosebleeds and have bleeding gums...maybe that's it..."

That's not it.  It's just a little bit of hope that crept back in after I had ALREADY mourned my loss.  So now tomorrow when I get my negative beta though I KNOW I'm not pregnant I'm going to have to mourn again.

My FIL took another down turn.  They are thinking he won't last through June.  I know it's not my fault logically, but deep down I can't stop blaming myself that he will never know he was even going to have grandkids.  I know technically we're MFI, but if I wasn't so obese.  If I ate better.  If I got off my fat ass and went to the gym more often each of these treatments would have a better chance at working.

After tomorrow's beta I am going out to dinner to celebrate my new job.  I am going to drink to mourn my loss.  Then I'm going to get up on Saturday and hit the gym so I don't hate myself so much.

Hate is a harsh word.  It's so weird.  Sometimes I think I'm great.  Like really awesome.  I think I'm funny and witty and smart.  Creative and talented.  People seem to like me.  DH's family tells him how great I am.   I think how lucky my husband is.  

Then there is the other half of me that thinks I'm lazy and ugly and so morbidly obese I can't imagine why my husband hasn't left me yet.   I think about how great he is and how he deserves a pretty wife.  And he could get one to.  He's quite a catch.  I call myself lazy and gross.  Why can't I just stop eating/sitting on the couch.

I know, I know.  My physical self is such a small part of the whole me (well honestly a huge fat part), but it clouds everything else.  I'm such a schizo.  When I love myself I LOVE myself.  When I hate myself I HATE MY LAZY ASS SELF SOOOO MUCH. 

IF has caused the days of hate to dominate.  My body is not just gross.  It doesn't work.  Not only is my inability to stop eating keeping me from cute clothes and higher self esteem, it is keeping me from a CHILD.   And my FIL from a grandchild.

Wow.  I don't know where any of this came from.  I knew this was a down day...didn't realize I was this low.

I will make this long post longer by saying that other than my weight/IF/FIL life is pretty much perfect.  As sad as I sound here I am usually pretty happy and optimistic.   My house is gorgeous.  My Family is amazing.  My career is soaring.  My friends are fantastic.  My Husband. Well, I hit the jackpot.  

Tomorrow will be a better day...even with a negative beta.

1 comment:

  1. You are one of the most amazing people I know. But trust me, I understand that feeling of being "defective" in the babymaking dept. What used to make me feel better is thinking about all the arseholes who have a gazillion kids- obviouly fertility has nothing to do with your worth as a person. Heck, look at Octomom...

    But still. Hugs.