Saturday, May 2, 2009

I'm Not as Strong as I Thought

I broke down yesterday.  

I didn't see it coming.   I thought I was being so strong through all of this.  I was so proud of myself.  Then I called my BFF and told her about my RE appointment.  Told her about the difficult blood draw - and how I'm going to have to do it EVERY OTHER DAY.  Told her about the intermuscular shots that I am terrified of.  Told her about the ER and how I'm getting nervous.

And then I started crying.  I had been exhausted all day and I guess this was why.  All this stress is on my shoulders and it's not going away.

The old me (pre-IF) was unbelievably terrified of needles.  A story my family likes to tell is me at the doctor's office about to get a shot.  Instead I screamed bloody murder, ran down the hall and locked myself in to the bathroom.  After numerous F bombs and a crying hissy fit they finally got me out of there by promising no shot.  Did I mention I was 17?  

So as I got older I would get a blood draw once in a blue moon.  I would be stressed leading up to it.  SUPER scared while they prepped my arm.  But then it was done.  BAM.  OVER.  And I got to be proud of myself and go home knowing it would be a long time before that had to happen again.

Well the problem with IVF (and fucking IF in general) is that you go through just as stressful a situation, and when it's over you can't really celebrate because it's not over.  You're going to have to do it again right away.  And sometimes you have to do something even worse and even scarier.

Everytime you get use to something horrible - blood draws - Lupron injections - stim injections...  There is something worse around the corner.  ER and an IV - PIO injections - maybe a bfn.

I am proud of myself.  I'm proud of what I can do.  I'm a stronger person than I ever realized.  But boy am I scared.   Boy am I tired.  Boy do I cry a lot.  

But boy this could really be worth it.

1 comment:

  1. Heya. Thanks for the comment. I am totally scared of needles too. You know how I don't get too scared at IVs and blood draws? I think about all of those kids with cancer who are sick and have to get that stuff all the time. If they can be brave, so can I. Plus, I know that I'd do anything for a baby and I know you're probably the same way. Stims weren't bad. Blood draws are not that bad. IV not too bad. PIO shots are not that bad either (although I complain a lot!). You can do them all.